On Being Open

As potential adoptive parents, we had to make some decisions initially about what sorts of "situations" we would be open to accepting. Additionally, an expectant parent who is making a plan of adoption has choices to make as well. One integral part of the counseling experience and decision making process for both the birthparents and adoptive parents is deciding what level of "openness" they want to pursue.

When we began our journey, we were leaning toward closed. At that point, we were uneducated about the differences in open, closed, and semi-open and what a closed adoption would mean for our child, their birthparents, and ourselves. We just felt that our privacy was supreme and that there was no way we wanted anyone to know our names or where we live. Soon, we learned that that would mean no access to medical answers should an issue arise years down the road. That would also mean our child might have many questions over the years that we could not have answers to.

Soon we began to consider semi-open. Then the issue of our privacy would still be covered, but our child and their birthparents would have the ability to share letters and photos through the agency acting as an intermediary. This would most likely consist of approximately four updates a year in the first two years and then would be reevaluated at that time to see what sort of communication should continue.

When we got to the hospital the day we got the call about our son, we were still in agreement that "semi-open" was the way to go. We told our social worker that we were on board for letters and pictures through the agency. No identifying information would be shared. They would never have direct access to us, and vice versa.

We walked into that hospital room that day, and sat down amongst strangers. We all introduced ourselves and smiled politely and shook hands. It was awkward at first...they had never done this and neither had we! But here we all were, gathering together because of this tiny, beautiful little boy, and to discuss his plans for his future. Minutes after we entered that hospital room, his birthmom asked if we wanted to hold our son for the first time. She had spent 9 months with him growing inside of her body, and about a day and a half with him at her bedside learning his needs and wants and watching all of his little quirks (his roly poly nature, his little squeaks & snores, etc.) and yet here she was with outstretched arms holding this tiny bundle toward us.

We left that hospital room that day bonded forever, no longer strangers, but forever sharing a beautiful gift of life. They watched us experience our first moment of parenthood when we held our son. We all shared laughter and tears as we talked about why K had chosen us to be her son’s parents.

When we had had time to process the events of the day, we were unsure if semi-open was truly what we wanted. We had talked a lot about our interests and found out that we had been at the same events in the past, and that it was likely we would be in the same place at the same time in the future. We had looked into this young woman’s face and seen a beautiful person, not someone we should be afraid of. I tossed and turned all night long that night…certainly thinking of this child that could be ours soon, but my thoughts were dominated by her…his birthmom. Was she sure this was the decision she wanted to make? Did someone push adoption on her? Was she certain she couldn’t parent her son? Could she live with her choice of us as his parents for the rest of her life? Had she really seen all of those things in us that she told us she saw (all those things I had hoped she’d see?) I couldn’t get her out of my mind.

Jake and I talked and prayed and discussed what we should do that week as we waited to bring our son home. We had shared just a few mere hours in a hospital room, and the thought of that being “it” was so sad to me. Perhaps selfishly, I just didn’t feel like I could waltz into her hospital room and leave hours later and have that be “it.” I didn’t think that a few hours of our time was why she was brought in our life and we were brought into hers. She had spent 9 months of her life carrying this child. Was that “it” for her?

We decided then that an open adoption would be what was best for our son. As any relationship grows and changes, so, too, will the relationships we are forming now on behalf of our son. As he is too young to have a relationship on his own, we are forging one now for his benefit, so that come the 4th grade family tree assignment, he can have two family trees if he so chooses. I am not going to make those decisions for him, but I think it will do him a lot of good to know there are no secrets and no mystery about who these people are who placed him for adoption in our care. We want him to know that if he ever has questions, he doesn't need to be ashamed to ask them or to seek them out from the people who have those answers. And when he is old enough, if he wants to continue the relationship, he will have the capacity to do that. When we got the letter from K with her full name and her contact information, my heart soared with the knowledge that she wanted to be in our lives and wanted us to be in hers, too.

Since our mutual decision to open the relationship, she and I have engaged in some amazing conversations. There are moments when I feel so deeply connected to her like we have known each other forever. There are times when I am reminded that I am someone she looks to as an adult, and I try hard to ensure she knows that I am proud of her and supportive of her. It’s an amazing feeling to sit with her as she holds this growing little boy and watch her friend point out all of her features in him, but in the next instant, she is passing him to me and saying “Go back to your mommy!” She and I have talked about where each of us was in our journey to each other…and it’s amazing to see God’s imprint on each step of the way. To think, we could have missed these amazing opportunities by choosing a closed adoption is almost too much to consider.

Each open adoption is different. Some have a lot of personal contact. Some don’t have much at all, but know the option is there. Some write each other letters and send pictures directly, without the agency in between. Some invite each other to family functions and events. As we walk this journey, we are learning and growing and finding what works for us. Looking back on how we’ve learned and grown in just the year when we began our research to now participating in an open relationship with our son’s birthmother is amazing. Now she will be someone he will always know as he grows up, and he will hopefully continue to be a part of her life, too.