There were days when battling fertility (or infertility...whichever way I was looking at it that particular day) was unbearable. Even when we decided to focus on adoption, "the wait" was just too much somedays & I felt so impatient for my baby to come that I felt I might explode. The anxiety about the "what ifs" and "whens" would swirl inside of me...
Then there were other times when the pity parties would reign down hard and I'd question everything we were going through..."Why does my husband have to respond to calls where parents beat their children? Why does he have to see that?" or "Why won't those people in Wal-Mart put shoes on their children's feet or just wipe their nose or pay attention to their cries?" or "How come that person who didn't want to get pregnant 'accidentally' did and here we've been trying and praying our hearts out that this would happen for us?" There were no logical, sensical answers for my questions. The world of "fair" doesn't enter the fertility/infertility realm.
And that is what I had to continue telling myself. It wasn't that pregnancy wasn't happening for us because we were unworthy of it, or that we hadn't prayed hard enough, or that we wanted it more. Again, there was no logical explanation of why our situation was the hand we were dealt except to say that it was beyond our control.
I've thought about that. It took me time to come to peace with it...and it took many routes to come to peace with it. One was to continue repeating to myself "That is THEIR story. This is OUR story." How boring would our lives be if everyone had the same "story?" No differences, just everyone doing the same thing...I figured there must be some reason that Jake & I were put in this place at this time to deal with this "problem" together. I know for sure I wouldn't have wanted to face it with anyone but him, and I think he feels similarly about me. Reminding myself that OUR story is being formed on a moment by moment basis, and that others who seemingly have it "better off" or more "together" doesn't always mean I'd want what they have.
Someone might look at mine & Jake's relationship, or our family and say "I want that." But they don't consider that we, too, have our fair share of problems, hurdles, and fights....just like any other couple. The same goes for the way I used to look at people. I'd be having an off day and be out in public and see a cart-full of children at Wal-Mart & just want to cling to their mother & say "CHERISH THEM!" with a crazed look in my eyes. But instead, I'd plod along, relishing in my sorrow and wondering circularly, "Why me?"
And the answer was "Because." Because there was a reason that our profile was shown to K, even though at first she was hesitant to view families in our local area. There was a reason our profile book was on top, and it just happened to be her favorite color...red. There was a reason that our profile stood out on top amongst the rest...some being simple things like our love of music, animals, and our faith...and these were details I agonized over as we created the book! Because there was no other baby in this world that was supposed to be our son but one little boy whose selfless first mom made some agonizing decisions to continue her pregnancy, to birth this child, and then to choose a plan for his life with us as his parents through adoption.
And perhaps, now I am one of those women shopping in Wal-Mart, just trying to fill my basket with ONLY the things on the list and get out of there without spending over $100, and unknowingly being surveyed by someone’s longing eyes. Someone who is wondering why their womb is empty and assuming that mine was filled at one time with this gorgeous child resting peacefully in my cart. Assuming, perhaps, that it was easy for me…or wishing to be in my shoes.
But I wish they knew. I wish they knew that we’ve all fought difficult battles to be at the places where we are…no matter how rosy a picture appears, and that their story is just as important as my story…because it is THEIRS and this is MINE.
