Afternoon Delight

Precious Child

There are so many "mom" moments that take my breath away.

The look on Asher's face every morning when I reach in to pull him out of his crib...
The giggles that erupt from our little man as he watches the dog play with her toys or sneeze...
The smile he gets when I walk into the room and he hears or sees me after a long day at work...
The way he cuddles into my chest when he doesn't feel good and the comfort he finds there...
The way he breathes as he finally sleeps after a long day of play...
The way he smells after splashing in the bathtub...

I love every sense that I experience with our son...and every day I am amazed at how blessed we have been.

On Tuesday Asher turned 10 months old. I cannot believe how the time has flown...it seems so cliche to say, but it literally feels like we just brought him home and were figuring out how to be new parents. Occasionally, I think about the night of his birth...a dark, cold evening in February. While he was being birthed into this world, Jake and I were purchasing a dishwasher and a big screen TV. Certainly, the story is amusing, even funny, and very true. But sometimes, if I really let myself think about it, it makes me sad. I missed one of the biggest moments of my son's life...the moment when he first breathed, first cried, first LIVED outside of the womb that carried him for 9 months. I.missed.that.

It doesn't bother me that I didn't carry him. I don't yearn for pregnancy. But things like the day when we received his post-adoption birth certificate in the mail are difficult for me. A bittersweet day, letting us know, YES, we are legally this child's parents forever and ever...However, upon inspecting the document, it states his date and time of birth, and then lists us as his parents. But we weren't there. We were at Best Buy and we didn't even know about him yet. We.weren't.there. That part makes my heart flutter with pain sometimes.

But, the redeeming aspect is that he wasn't alone. Our son was not alone in his first breaths, his first cries, his first moments of life. She was there...she who quietly carried him, under her sweatshirts for 9 months, and then sweat and cried and pushed him into the world that cold February night. She fed him, and held him, and LOVED him before us. And that makes my heart swell....to know that she was there for him, before we were. For that I am forever grateful.

I am filled with gratitude. Perhaps voicing my thanks feels awkward to her, but I have to say it. Maybe she feels she doesn't deserve actual thanks....maybe it's not the right word....but I do love her and I'm grateful for the sacrifices and choices she made. She not only gave life, but gave me the opportunity to be a mom, and not just a mom, but the mom of the most beautiful, happy boy in the whole world. My boy. Our boy...OUR boy.
He was hers first...to love, to care for, to dream about...and then she gave that amazing, glorious gift to us.

The gift of a precious child.

THANK YOU.

Christmas Traditions

We got our first "sticky snow" yesterday, so...I guess winter has officially arrived. I have to accept that snowshovels & mittens will be a way of life again for the next few months. Don't let me fool you...as much as I may whine about cold, wintery weather, I LOVE that Iowa has 4 discernible seasons.

This weekend I packed away the autumn/Thanksgiving decorations and began to pull out and organize the Christmas decorations and tree. I began listening to Christmas music last week....I love the way it puts me into a festive mood to really soak up all that this season means.

Last year Christmas was difficult. I didn't look forward to shopping for gifts, I couldn't truly get "in the spirit" no matter how many songs I listened to or how much I decorated my house. I guess I was more preoccupied than I thought I was with the "waiting game" that adoption brings. It was like I was not looking forward to so many aspects of this special season, and then all of a sudden it was all over and I was depressed that I had missed it.

So this year I'm determined to take it all in....go on the festive Christmas walks in town, bring out and put up all the Christmas decorations, ENJOY setting up and decorating the tree, relish the snow (instead of complaining about it), and read ALL of my favorite Christmas stories to Asher!

Indeed, these are a few of my favorite things! Tonight I read Baby's Christmas (one of my books...which was published in 1980....I looked!) and Jake read The Soldier's Night Before Christmas (which I picked out last year in hopes that he would someday read it to our child!) It's moments like that...watching my husband read a story to our son, that just take my breath away and bring tears to my eyes!

Here are the stockings that we'll hang, but this year we'll need a special one just for Asher. Also, peace and joy remind us of the wishes we have for our world and all the people living in it.

The toys on the shelf were a few of my favorites as a child. Not shocking that 2 are music boxes and the Santa on the trike makes noise as well!

And here is our beautiful tree...When I was growing up, my parents kept a list of the ornaments that my siblings and I received each year, so that when we moved out we could take our ornaments and remember every year that we pulled them out who gave them to us and when. I am so excited to start that tradition this year within our family, so that Asher can have a record of all of his special ornaments as well.

We'll certainly remember that above all, Jesus is the Reason for the Season!My parents bought us this Nativity set when we got married. As we grew up, it was always fun to pull out the Nativity and watch it grow ever year with the new townspeople or shepherds or the wise men or the animals. My siblings and I each have a creche, and a Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus in the manger, and someday we will each "inherit" 1/3 of the pieces from their set.

I can only imagine that Asher will love to move the pieces around just as much as my brother has loved to over the years.

There are many traditions we look forward to passing along to Asher and our future children over the years...and we can't wait to create our own. What are your favorite traditions in your family? Some others that we enjoy are going to Christmas Eve Mass and then enjoying dinner with mine and Jake's family at my parents' home. Dinner is usually lasagna, and there is some gift opening and lots of joy and laughter. We also make cut out cookies and frost and decorate them so that we can leave them with a note for Santa Claus. On Christmas day we make a cake shaped like a Christmas tree and all of my cousins and I decorate the cake. Then we place one small angel candle holder on there, and baby Jesus in his manger on top of the cake and we all gather 'round and sing "Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus!" This tradition started (as far as I know) with my Great Grandma.

We look forward to an awe-inspiring, wondrous Christmas season this year.

Hope you enjoy every moment of yours, too!

Why I Love Fall.

We are so blessed.

Playing Catch-Up

Life's been busy. What can I say?

Let me attempt to catch you up.

Every single weekend in October we were out of town. The first weekend I was at a church retreat & Jake had guard duty. Asher was well taken care of by his beloved Grandmas, Grandpas, & Aunt Ash & Uncle D. Here is some proof that he was happy as a clam to be without his Mommy & Daddy for a weekend. We OBVIOUSLY missed him though...who wouldn't?!

The next weekend we were in Wilmette for Jake's grandparents' 60th anniversary. It was of course a splendid party, complete with delicious food, lots of games and laughs, and another rendition of the family having a dance off to "Soulja Boy." It's always worth it to see that. Someone even video taped it, but I will not share it to save the dignity of the innocent & guilty!

The following weekend Jake's brother got married in Dyersville & we reception'ed it up in Dubuque. Cindy made a beautiful bride, and Jeff was quite dashing as well. The basilica was absolutely gorgeous and it turned out to be a fabulous autumn day. Sadly, I missed the "party" part of the reception, but alas, Asher popped his first tooth that day! It was understandable that he was not feeling real happy, and so I was in bed & asleep by 9:30 PM. WEEEE! Here is a picture of Daddy (the Best Man) & Baby Bear (after he had puked on his dress-up outfit).

The Thursday prior to the wedding I began having pain in my kidney. For those who don't know, I have one big bad kidney that occasionally gives me flack. He has been affectionately named Billy the Kid(ney) by a dear college friend, Matt. 4 years ago I had surgery 3 days post-graduation, so it really concerned me that I was having pain again. I went in to see my urologist and they gave me a shot of Toridol (in my bum! nonetheless) and sent me away with pain meds, which I'm not too fond of. The Toridol worked wonders, which I was glad for. They scheduled a renal scan the following Monday. This scan consists of laying there for 45 minutes. They start an IV in your arm & inject you with radioactive material so they can watch the function & flow of your kidneys. It was during this very test a few years ago when I first "saw" that Billy was MUCH larger than the other kidney. Of course, the radiologists cannot tell you what they see as you are going through the test, but I could tell that one kidney was much larger. Like ridiculously larger.

This is a relatively good diagram of what my issue was 4 years ago. There was some sort of "kink" in the tube that drains...and so like a clogged toilet has nowhere to go but up, the body does the same. Because of this "blockage," the kidney takes on the additional urine & just grows & grows & grows...resulting in a problem called hydronephrosis. I think it's much more fun, though, to say that Billy the Kid(ney) is massive.
The day of the renal scan, it was decided that on Wednesday they were going to do a cystoscopy (where they stick a camera up into (& have a look at) my bladder, ureter, & kidney. At that time, they found 2 "blockages" and so put a stent in so that I will not have as much pain. Additionally, there is a "massive" stone in Billy the Kid(ney) that is just chillen like a villian. I hate the stent. The stent makes me feel like I have to PEE.ALL.THE.TIME.

The day AFTER I got the stent put in, we were up & at 'em to catch a flight to Denver at 6 AM. Oh yes. I woke up at like 3:30 to get us outta there. I felt like poo much of the trip & the weather was gorgeous so I missed out on enjoying that too much but I went to my cousin's wedding & Asher got to meet his great great grandma & I got to try out some press on nails from CVS. All in all, a pretty good trip. You may enjoy these highlights:

This is our 5 generation picture. Isn't it an amazing, wondrous site!?

Does it get any better than this?!

Oh, and somehow between Jake and I, we lost my mom's camera for a bit one afternoon and we ended up knocking on people's doors until these poor fools let me in & I bawled my head off all over their carpet (because I was on pain drugs!) & said all manor of ridiculous things to them offering my gratitude for finding the "lost" camera. Without those 2 folks (whom I wrote a thank you note to after we got home), these great pictures would have not been possible!

Here is Asher "flying high" on the swings!

We returned home, and while it's slowed down some, I'll tell you it's not enough! I met with the surgeon at the University hospital on Thursday (same one that did my surgery 4 years ago) and am waiting to hear the results of two scans that were done the day I met with him. That made for a long, long day...getting there around 8:45 AM & not leaving until 4 PM.

Asher is still not too interested in crawling. He will get up on his hands & knees & rock, but if he really wants to get to something he will roll over & over until he gets to it. He pulls himself up on things, so perhaps he'll decide to walk before crawling, but we hope he'll crawl first...we're not ready for him to be super mobile! He still loves to "read" books, still loves to watch trees (although most of the leaves are gone from the ones around our house!), and really enjoys dogs. While he's only got one tooth still, he is happily learning to munch on "puffs" & we like to watch him practice "self-feeding." He even tried his first whole wheat biter biscuit the other night...what a mess! He is also no longer a vegetarian, and had his first taste of "chicken" the other night. Like everything else he's tried (including GUAVA at Grandma Bonnie's house!) he likes it! Our latest doctor appointment revealed his weight at 22.1 pounds. He's a BIG boy!

There's more, but there's always more. I will save a few stories for later. In the meantime, hope you've enjoyed getting "caught up" with us!

Simply stated.

THANK YOU.

I Voted!

Since today is ELECTION DAY, I thought I'd do a little flashback & share these pics to show how fast time flies!

This was a local election...and must have been within his first month of life. Can you believe how much he's grown?! He just turned 9 months 2 days ago?!

IOWA...We're so CORNY!

Hello. I'm a little corn on the cob named Asher. YIKES! Corn cob on the move! Thanks, Mom! (Crisis averted.)

I'm a lil cornonthecob short & stout (he certainly is!)

Did you have to pick such a corny costume, Mom?!

What?! You say I'm the CUTEST corn on the cob EVER? OK!

Paper!

I took Asher to visit Dr. A today. He has had a cough now for almost 2 weeks, and although I was pretty certain he was fine, because it had been so long I decided we needed to go in and just make sure.

Sure enough, he has just been fighting off a cold, which both Jake & I have had, & he is just fine. Nothing to be concerned about, and I was glad to hear it.

Here is how Asher decided to keep busy while waiting for our visit with Dr. A. Notice all the ripped paper around him?! There was hardly any left on the table once the Dr. made it in, but it was very fun & noisy & exciting to play with!

And by the way, our chubby bear is now 20 pounds, 13 ounces!

Our Stories

There were days when battling fertility (or infertility...whichever way I was looking at it that particular day) was unbearable. Even when we decided to focus on adoption, "the wait" was just too much somedays & I felt so impatient for my baby to come that I felt I might explode. The anxiety about the "what ifs" and "whens" would swirl inside of me...

Then there were other times when the pity parties would reign down hard and I'd question everything we were going through..."Why does my husband have to respond to calls where parents beat their children? Why does he have to see that?" or "Why won't those people in Wal-Mart put shoes on their children's feet or just wipe their nose or pay attention to their cries?" or "How come that person who didn't want to get pregnant 'accidentally' did and here we've been trying and praying our hearts out that this would happen for us?" There were no logical, sensical answers for my questions. The world of "fair" doesn't enter the fertility/infertility realm.

And that is what I had to continue telling myself. It wasn't that pregnancy wasn't happening for us because we were unworthy of it, or that we hadn't prayed hard enough, or that we wanted it more. Again, there was no logical explanation of why our situation was the hand we were dealt except to say that it was beyond our control.

I've thought about that. It took me time to come to peace with it...and it took many routes to come to peace with it. One was to continue repeating to myself "That is THEIR story. This is OUR story." How boring would our lives be if everyone had the same "story?" No differences, just everyone doing the same thing...I figured there must be some reason that Jake & I were put in this place at this time to deal with this "problem" together. I know for sure I wouldn't have wanted to face it with anyone but him, and I think he feels similarly about me. Reminding myself that OUR story is being formed on a moment by moment basis, and that others who seemingly have it "better off" or more "together" doesn't always mean I'd want what they have.

Someone might look at mine & Jake's relationship, or our family and say "I want that." But they don't consider that we, too, have our fair share of problems, hurdles, and fights....just like any other couple. The same goes for the way I used to look at people. I'd be having an off day and be out in public and see a cart-full of children at Wal-Mart & just want to cling to their mother & say "CHERISH THEM!" with a crazed look in my eyes. But instead, I'd plod along, relishing in my sorrow and wondering circularly, "Why me?"

And the answer was "Because." Because there was a reason that our profile was shown to K, even though at first she was hesitant to view families in our local area. There was a reason our profile book was on top, and it just happened to be her favorite color...red. There was a reason that our profile stood out on top amongst the rest...some being simple things like our love of music, animals, and our faith...and these were details I agonized over as we created the book! Because there was no other baby in this world that was supposed to be our son but one little boy whose selfless first mom made some agonizing decisions to continue her pregnancy, to birth this child, and then to choose a plan for his life with us as his parents through adoption.

And perhaps, now I am one of those women shopping in Wal-Mart, just trying to fill my basket with ONLY the things on the list and get out of there without spending over $100, and unknowingly being surveyed by someone’s longing eyes. Someone who is wondering why their womb is empty and assuming that mine was filled at one time with this gorgeous child resting peacefully in my cart. Assuming, perhaps, that it was easy for me…or wishing to be in my shoes.

But I wish they knew. I wish they knew that we’ve all fought difficult battles to be at the places where we are…no matter how rosy a picture appears, and that their story is just as important as my story…because it is THEIRS and this is MINE.

I Still Remember...

Today was an interesting day.

Today I went to an Army picnic and didn't leave angry, sad, and feeling sorry for myself.

Jake has been in the National Guard now for almost 10 years. From the beginning we've been surrounded by people who have kids...young families, single guys with kids...EVERYONE had kids. Sure I noticed, but I REALLY noticed when we had a debriefing a few months after the guys got home from their deployment. The soldiers were in one room & their wives/girlfriends/significant others were in another. ALL of the women had kids...or were pregnant...or both! I was the only one in an entire circle of women who had no kids and was not "with child."

I've never been one to follow the crowd, so it didn't bother me in that respect that everyone around me had kids. It just made things...uncomfortable. When all these people around me had spouses & loved ones deployed, they had a very good reason to get up every day. They had hungry mouths to feed, someone to hug them & depend upon them. I....didn't have that. Somedays that was a blessing. Other days a curse.

So, when the boys made it home safely and pregnancy didn't happen for us month after month, it was disappointing to say the least. I didn't want a baby because "everyone else did." I wanted a baby because it was dream of mine & Jakes.

I still remember what it felt like to be surrounded by fertile & uber fertile people...for people to look at you and even vocalize, "So...when you going to have kids?" Add to that the cavalier way that men can joke and chide with each other about "shooting blanks" etc...and it was just over the top painful.

Today was different. For one, most of those people I faced that deployment with have moved on...did their time & got out, onto other units, what have you. I hardly knew anyone...but still, we were surrounded by kids. But this time, I carried in a baby in a car seat. MY child. OUR child. People talked to us about him...asked his name...talked about their kids...asked his age...It was nice to be able to share that information...to not feel like I had to guard myself from questions about why and when we'd be having kids. Adoption didn't even come up in the conversation. We just have a son now, so I guess we fit in a little better.

It was a fine picnic...the first picnic that we've brought our son to. But I still remember what it felt like to have an empty womb surrounded by all of these people who took their fertility for granted. We are still infertile...but we have our child in our arms. It's an interesting dichotomy.

2 Words

GO HAWKS!

Why I Love Open Adoption...

• We can have dinner with Asher's birthmom, K.
• She can come to our house.
• We can laugh together.
• She can play with Asher.
• She can tell us how her day was.
• We can take a walk together.
• I can see the similarities between my son and his birthmom.
• I can marvel at how beautiful my child is.
• I can marvel at how beautiful his birthmom is.
• I have my breath taken away at what an amazing person she is.
• We can hug her.
• She can hug Asher.
• We can know her family....and have dinner with them, too.
• We can watch her make Asher giggle.
• We can be a part of the things that are important in her life.
• She can be a part of the things that are important in our life.
• We can share the joy that this amazing little child brings to our lives.

Baby Mozart!

I may appear to be a little nervous before my star debut...but, it's all just an act. I am very confident in my performance abilities.

Plinka plink a plink!

What do you think?! Piano prodigy?!

Asher's Adoption Day

August 15th was a very special day for me and my family. It was my "adoption day." Mommy, Daddy & me, my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and a few great grandparents, all got up very early to go to a big building downtown called the courthouse. I was a very happy boy that morning when I woke up.

Here I am...all dressed up. I look a little unsure of what was going to happen, but they told me of all the things that happen at the courthouse, these sorts of preceedings are the best!

Here we are in the courtroom. That's my Great Omi holding me & there's Great Opi next to us!

Here is our whole "support team!" They got to sit in the jury box!

Then, it was time to get official. We got to sit at this big wooden table. I liked to bang on it. Mommy & Daddy had to do something funny where they held their hand up & swore. But not bad swear....

Here is Mommy & Daddy's attorney. I may be small, but I already have a legal team! He asked Daddy & then Mommy the same questions, but they both promised to love and care for me always!

Then the Judge told us a story. She said she is an adoptive mommy, too, and she always enjoys being a part of these finalizations. She even had to stop talking a few times because I think she was going to cry...but they were happy tears. She said some official stuff, and pronounced me by my officially legal name and said that my Mommy & Daddy would be my parents forever!

Ahh...but who could resist?!

Take Asher Out to the Ballgame!