Is this a sign?!

So, throughout our quest to adopt, I've been watching for signs. Signs to show me that this is what we're supposed to be doing....the road we should be on.

And I have seen them. But if last night was any indication of "signs," I think we'd better turn back NOW!

Everywhere Jake & I went in the time span of about 30 minutes there were screaming, crying, wailing, temper-tantrum throwing children. One woman at the bookstore who was very pregnant had 3 small children in tow that were quite unruly. At first we thought, "Hey, if we hang around here long enough, maybe she'll give us that "I'm sick of this" parent look and say "Take them -they're yours!" And we'd say "Gladly - we've got an approved homestudy!" She just wanted to browse the bookshelves, and her brood had other ideas. Granted, she wasn't paying much attention to them, and merely saying their names repeatedly did nothing to dissuade them from punching each other into tables, etc.

Then we went to dinner. There was a kid wearing short gym socks with flip flops. HILARIOUSNESS. Our faith in our impending parenthood was lifted when we saw two sets of new parents proudly carrying out their little bundles of joy. Ahhh, signs renewed! We ARE meant to be on this path...

However, we then went down to the riverfront to catch some tunes. As I'm standing in a group of people talking, all of a sudden I am "rammed" from behind. I think to myself, before turning, who is so rude to slam into me as a greeting? Turns out, a probably 3 year old child, who can't even see over the top of a stroller, is "driving" it, and has driven directly into my calves & ankles. OUCH. Where were his parents? What had this kid been drinking tonight? And did he have a license to drive? (I actually said, outloud, those last two lines!) They apologized profusely (sort of, but not really)...they must have WATCHED him driving directly into me, and at that point I was like "OK! This isn't meant to be...there are no babies in our future!"

And then, my dear online friend, Michelle, shared this wonderful story. Please read, be amused, and understand that when I USED to say that I wanted 12 kids, I must have been on drugs. Kids ARE blessings, but honestly, I was worn out just by reading this story!

http://cgi.ebay.com/LOT-OF-POKEMON-CARDS-THAT-MY-KIDS-TRIED-TO-SNEAK-BY-ME_W0QQitemZ130144061675QQcmdZViewItem

This chokes me up everytime...

No matter how many times I watch this video, with the music, without, on a day when I feel great, or a day I feel lousy....this chokes me up. I think I'll be strong enough to watch it...and everytime I cry.

I cry because I still remember what it feels like. Jake left in February 2004 and returned in June 2005, but I still feel the emptiness, the pain, the frightened anxiety. I feel my heart swell with pride and ache at the same time. I still feel all of it, everyday. This video is totally worth watching. Make sure you have some tissues!

Check out this video: Remember Me

Fast Forward

I feel like we're in fast forward mode now, that life is coming at us, and fast.

We finished our home study last night! It should be a week before we get the rough draft back, and once it's approved, we're ON THE LIST! This means today we might not be parents, but tomorrow we could be...scary, right?

Most people have 9 months to prepare for these things. They have time to create a nursery, a registry, and figure out what the heck you do with things like a "boppy" and a "nuk." All this crazy baby language! They can figure out what colors to paint the room, find accessories, and oftentimes figure out the sex of the baby so they can plan well in advance.

As a planner, this adoption stuff makes things quite difficult! How can I accessorize if I don't know if our child will be a boy or a girl? How can I have time to take a class to figure out what you do with the baby once you bring it home? How can you really prepare for being a family of two one day to a family of three the next? Sure, we could be "waiting" for a long time. We could wait two weeks, 5 months, or two years to get "the call." But one of these days, our lives will change over night...

And just like that we'll be parents. Perhaps our friends will stop calling because they think we're old, married, and no fun anymore because we have kids. We'll be those people walking around looking like zombies because our 2 week old has kept us up every night, confusing night for day and day for night. We'll be those people wrestling with car seats and wondering how the heck you get the thing to fit correctly into the stroller, once you figure out how to pop the darn thing up. We'll be doing laundry constantly and perhaps I'll finally get that "nesting instinct" that will make me become the Queen of Clean...but I doubt it.

Additionally, we'll be wondering how we ever lived without this little light of our lives...why we waited this long for a baby, and how our hearts can hold one more ounce of love for someone so helpless and tiny. We'll cry when they won't stop crying and we don't know how to fix it. We'll laugh when we first get peed on. We'll be awestruck as we watch their little chest rise and fall as they sleep. It'll be amazing.

Awaiting Paper Pregnancy

Well...we're getting closer to being parents. Somedays I'm awash with feelings of giddy excitement, the smells of baby powder and Johnson's shampoo, and the noises our home will make when we add the tiny giggles and coos from a baby's mouth. Other days I'm frightened with worry, wondering how I can't have retained the basics from the Red Cross babysitting class I took at age 12, and frustrated that I don't think I know simple things like how to prepare a bottle or basic "everyone knows these things about babies" type facts.

Our final homestudy visit is tomorrow...not at all stressed about that. H, our social worker, has received 7 of our 8 references and our background checks. She'll write up our homestudy report and let us view the rough draft. Once we give our approval on it, we're officially placed on the waiting list. We'll probably be "paper pregnant" by September!

I'm ecstatic. I'm shocked...hopeful, amazed, awestruck... I'm confused...scared...quite unprepared...and worried. I lay awake at night thinking about how this extra life will change things for our family. There will be amazing, wonderful changes...we'll be PARENTS! We'll be a family of 3 instead of just 2. We'll have a child to raise and be proud of and love...and our families will have their first grandbaby/niece or nephew. Glorious, isn't it, to think that what started out as a diagnosis, a heartache, a loss, could turn into such abeautiful, positive gift!

On the difficult days, the girls at AdoptionTalk remind me of all the things I'm thankful for...we lift each other up, we laugh and cry tears of joy and sorrow, and we pray for one another...here's a prayer that has passed around the board, and helps me to always remember that God's perfect timing is always at work.

God help us to be thankful for the little things, the many blessings, and the fact that your timing is perfect. God help us to trust your timing and wait patiently for your plan to unfold. God help us to believe in your ability, accept your divine providence, and praise you above all else. Help us to have faith to realize that when we feel nothing is happening you are working to make YOUR plan known to us.

Certainly this quest hasn't always been easy...filling out invasive questionaires, having to choose "yes" or "no" to difficult birthmother/child situations, and talking through all of our fears. But honestly, it's truly been a gift to our marriage. How many couples actually sit down and talk, at length, about all the aspects of having a child...how many wives get to hear their husbands talk so candidly about what makes her so amazing to him or how many husbands get to read the words that she's penned that say how fortunate and blessed she feels to have even met him? I've always loved my husband, and believed he's my best friend in this life, but every day that we go through this together, I feel like our bond gets stronger, my love grows fuller, and my amazement at what an awesome person he is inflates. When I think my heart will burst if I love him more, miraculously the butterflies open it a little more...and we learn and we laugh and we cry and we walk on together on our quest.

Somedays it feels like this...

Hope this brings a new perspective to all who watch this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

(Sorry, it's not working for me to embed it here....)

Communication

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Men and women are honestly speaking 2 different languages much of the time. Men say one thing and they mean it. Women think they mean something else. Women say one thing & they mean something different. Men think they mean what they said. How did God come up with this hilarious stuff!?

I attempt to be straightforward in my communication. I try not to confuse my husband with any alterior motives, and just bring him the straight truth, pretty blunt. I know men can't multitask like women, so why bog them down with extra details that will only confuse them?

For instance, somedays I'll give my husband an instruction. I'll tell him where something in our house is, or I'll tell him my suggested way to do something. Usually he gets mad at me for saying these things because "he thinks that I think that he is an idiot." No, honey, I don't...I'm just telling you for your general knowledge. Perhaps I'm also testing to see if you're listening...

This morning I left my cell phone at home. I decided to sleep in until 7:12 and forgot the phone on the bedstand. This rarely happens, and I thought "I'll just give my hubby a call to let him know if he needs anything, that I don't have my phone with me today." This is just after 8 AM that I make this phone call.

Around 9:50 I get a phone call this morning at work saying that "there is a TP emergency...and can I bring some home at lunch?" "Baby," I say, "There is a whole hoarde of toilet paper in the hall closet where we keep the toilet paper." "Oh," he replies.

I do the grocery/home shopping. I lug all the bags into the house & put all the crap away. But honestly, if I TOLD him where the toilet paper was without him asking, he'd probably be like "OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? OF COURSE I KNOW WHERE THE TOILET PAPER IS...DUH."

OK, so perhaps this WAS a bit of a test...It seems whenever there is no more toilet paper on the roll, I am the one who replaces the roll, I am the one who puts the new rolls into the cabinet in the bathroom, I am the one who replaces the reserve roll on the back of the toilet so that there is easy access. When I replaced the roll the last time, I used the reserve roll from the basket on the back of the toilet, and didn't replace a roll there. There also was no extra rolls in the cabinet in the bathroom. So, perhaps he didn't know about the whole hoarde of toilet paper in the hall closet, but he goes into that closet on a regular basis for towels, light bulbs, and bed sheets. How do you miss the 24 roll pack of TP?!

When I get home at lunch, I retrieve my phone from upstairs. There is a text message on it from 9:47 AM. "TP emergency please bring some home at lunch" from the hubby. Good thing he listened to me this morning when I told him I didn't have my cell phone with me, right?!