The Notebook

I am not often speechless.

But I was.

I even knew of this gift...before it was given, yet still, holding it's soft, recycled paper cover in my hands, I was overwhelmed.

It wasn't heavy. In fact, it was very light...but the immensity of what an amazingly gracious gift it was grounded me...excited me.

Jake and I were to be the keepers of this gift. To keep it safe until it's time. Whenever he's ready or whenever he's needing it.

It was Asher's first birthday party and there was a flurry of wrapping paper, relatives, laughter, noise. In a quiet moment in my parent's dining room, she pulled the notebook from a simple plastic grocery bag and said she wanted us to have it. She pushed it into my hands.

I knew what it was. It was spiral bound, and the cover had leaves imprinted in green ink. Some of them colored in with the green printing ink, but others in her own hand....purple and orange marker, a black pen...

I thanked her. Silly it seems now...inadequate words for such a gift. I mean, how do you truly express how thankful you are for something so personal, heartfelt, and treasured?

She had to leave soon after. I asked if she was sure...sure about giving it to us...sure it was for us to have. She smiled & said "Of course!" in her way...and told me that it was always meant for him. Always meant for him. My hands must have been shaking as I accepting it from her...

Later that evening, Jake & I opened it together. I read, but I could hardly speak. I was awash with tears...overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, hopefulness, happiness, and humbleness. She tore my heart and she lifted it high. The words I read were broken with sobs and sniffles, my face was blotchy and runny, and yet a smile on my face. I was so moved I clasped at my heart in both anguish and joy.

Asher's beloved birthmom had given him a most precious gift that only she could give him. She gave him the gift of her words...from the day she visited the Doctor and learned of him and saw him growing inside of her, to days after his first birthday. Over a year's worth of entries to him. She wrote a letter to "us"...before she even knew who we were. The original "list" she created to help her to choose the best family for her baby is there. She poured out her heart....her sadness, her happiness, her hopes and fears, and her messages to him inside this simple notebook. If he ever wonders, doubts, or otherwise second-guesses, the answers are there to reassure him.

I just cannot put into words how meaningful that is to Jake & I, as Asher's parents, to possess for him. It's overwhelming to understand how blessed we are with K in our lives.

Oh, Billy (the Kid(ney))...

I wish this blog wasn't so neglected.

There are many times throughout my day when I think I'd love to blog about something....but I just never have the time at that moment, or when I DO have a spare moment, I am just too exhausted to write coherently enough to please/entertain all of you dear readers!


Anyway....life has been busy between surgery, a non-stop baby, a messy house, a visiting grandma, and general stuff like work, laundry, and sleep.

On January 27 I had an endopyelotomy scheduled at the University Hospital. The plan was to go into the ureter, find any blockages and cut them out, and remove the stent that's been in since October & replace it with another one. When I arrived at the hospital, the person in front of me asked when he'd be called because they'd been waiting an hour & 45 minutes since the time they were SUPPOSED to be called! Needless to say, we sat around & waited until after 3:15 to even be taken back to get prepped! We busied ourselves with books, DVDs and knitting/crocheting prayer shawls.

Leave it to my husband to say something goofy...when the resident was letting me know the risks of being under anaesthesia & they needed me to sign the paper authorizing it, Jake says, "Sign your life away!" Thanks, honey...for those "words of wisdom?!" Oh....DEAR!

They believe the stent that was put in place in October may have "opened" things up because no blockages needed to be excised, and I came out of the anasthesia easily. I was lucky to come home that evening to be well taken care of by my family.

This stent is working out much better for me. It's been in almost a month and I rarely have pain. Once it's out, I'll have another kidney functioning test, but I expect no problems with the results. Thanks for all your prayers for Billy the Kid(ney) and me!

Birthday Cake!

Proof! Daddy tries his hand at decorating cupcakes - it was a success!
Mmmmm....Mommy doesn't look very happy. She thinks she got herself in over her head with this "fabulous" idea to make Asher his own monkey birthday cake & decorate it.

Frustrated.

OK. Let's do this. (My lovely sister begins her "paparazzi photos.")

Lookin' good & cheering up!

Look at that concentration....

Cracking up at Ashley...enough, paparazzi!

OK, that's it...my pastry bag is down....

I SAID! Drop the camera, paparazzi!

TA-DA! Monkey cupcakes awaiting their "big reveal."

Aren't they cute?!

Here's the monkey...he was pretty naked at this point.

Starting to look a little better...

A party animal?

My masterpiece...I think there's a reason parents usually only do this once.

My hand was TIRED!

Happy First Birthday, Asher Joseph Leo!

A Year Ago Today...

A year ago today we got the call that changed our lives. We got the call saying we had been chosen.

Chosen to be parents.

One moment I was simply emailing with a a dear friend who was also a waiting and hopeful adoptive mom, "When will our babies come?" and moments later, my phone was ringing with our social worker's good news on the other end.

It was my dad's 55th birthday. My dad is a big man...quite imposing and sometimes "scary" looking. But he's such a tender-hearted, softy on the inside...don't tell him I told you, but he cries at TV commercials sometimes...My mom's nickname for him is "Bear" and it's a suitable moniker.

Anyway, what an exciting phone call to tell him, on his birthday, that we were heading to the hospital because we had been picked to be parents of a little boy who had been born two days before. We were cautiously optimistic that this little boy could be his grandson, and now, a year later, looking back, today was the day that my dad did become a grandpa for the first time. We now affectionately call him "Papa Bear."

Asher's birthday this year was another one of those days where I was feeling numerous emotions. Additionally, I wasn't feeling well at all, so I was feeling a lot of other things that day, too (I lost both my lunch AND my dinner & so missed out on a lot of our special boy's special day). It was, of course, a day to celebrate...but it still makes me think about the fact that we were busy making a big purchase at Best Buy on February 2nd, Groundhogs Day, instead of being there for our son's first breaths.

Then, he was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 inches long. He had dark blue eyes and black hair.

Today, he is 23 pounds 3 ounces and 29 inches long. Now he has bright blue eyes and precious blonde, curls.

He has grown SO much. He DOES so much! He is moving non-stop...cruising the furniture, crawling so quickly, and even climbing stairs. He still loves every food that he's tried, and now if he can feed it to himself, he doesn't want anything to do with the pureed stuff we try to give him. We continue to try to teach him baby signs, and he is getting the hang of it, slowly but surely. He loves to jabber and say "dadadada" and sometimes "Sa-die da" and every once in awhile "mama." He amazes us (and exhausts us) every moment of every day.

Every day we experience the amazing love and joy of our son and I thank God that we have been blessed with the gift of life that we were offered a year ago today.