The Notebook

I am not often speechless.

But I was.

I even knew of this gift...before it was given, yet still, holding it's soft, recycled paper cover in my hands, I was overwhelmed.

It wasn't heavy. In fact, it was very light...but the immensity of what an amazingly gracious gift it was grounded me...excited me.

Jake and I were to be the keepers of this gift. To keep it safe until it's time. Whenever he's ready or whenever he's needing it.

It was Asher's first birthday party and there was a flurry of wrapping paper, relatives, laughter, noise. In a quiet moment in my parent's dining room, she pulled the notebook from a simple plastic grocery bag and said she wanted us to have it. She pushed it into my hands.

I knew what it was. It was spiral bound, and the cover had leaves imprinted in green ink. Some of them colored in with the green printing ink, but others in her own hand....purple and orange marker, a black pen...

I thanked her. Silly it seems now...inadequate words for such a gift. I mean, how do you truly express how thankful you are for something so personal, heartfelt, and treasured?

She had to leave soon after. I asked if she was sure...sure about giving it to us...sure it was for us to have. She smiled & said "Of course!" in her way...and told me that it was always meant for him. Always meant for him. My hands must have been shaking as I accepting it from her...

Later that evening, Jake & I opened it together. I read, but I could hardly speak. I was awash with tears...overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, hopefulness, happiness, and humbleness. She tore my heart and she lifted it high. The words I read were broken with sobs and sniffles, my face was blotchy and runny, and yet a smile on my face. I was so moved I clasped at my heart in both anguish and joy.

Asher's beloved birthmom had given him a most precious gift that only she could give him. She gave him the gift of her words...from the day she visited the Doctor and learned of him and saw him growing inside of her, to days after his first birthday. Over a year's worth of entries to him. She wrote a letter to "us"...before she even knew who we were. The original "list" she created to help her to choose the best family for her baby is there. She poured out her heart....her sadness, her happiness, her hopes and fears, and her messages to him inside this simple notebook. If he ever wonders, doubts, or otherwise second-guesses, the answers are there to reassure him.

I just cannot put into words how meaningful that is to Jake & I, as Asher's parents, to possess for him. It's overwhelming to understand how blessed we are with K in our lives.