Frustration

So, it's been 4 months of paper pregnancy. Much like a real pregnancy, my weight has fluctuated...one of my friends told me it's the "adoption diet." My weight is not due to a baby growing inside of me, but a baby that is constantly on my mind, may or may not exist in this world yet, and stress. The holiday season doesn't help with ANY of this!

My thoughts swim with "our child" while we prepare for the Christmas season. We put up our nativity, and think about the wait that Mary and Joseph had as they made preparations for their miracle. Like Mary, I'm often frightened, excited, unsure, but hopeful. As we hung the lights and ornaments on the Christmas tree, I wondered, "Will there be a little one ‘helping’ next year? How many presents will fit under this tree?!"

We recently made a decision to attend an orientation session for foster and adoption through the state "system." At this time we don't know what this will mean for us, for our family, but it could be one more step in the direction to our child.

Just this week we inquired about a "waiting child." Waiting children are available for adoption, but are oftentimes somewhat more difficult to place. Some may be over age 8, or be a minority. Others may have a number of siblings that must be adopted with them, or have behavioral or emotional issues. Some have been removed from their homes because of abuse or neglect. Others’ parents may be incarcerated.

We contacted an agency who had listed “J,” a five year old little boy with a wide, toothy smile, short blonde hair, and described as “energetic, adventurous, and not afraid of anything.” After not having phone calls returned, and feeling like a voicemail stalker, I finally got through to someone. They told me that they are looking to place “J” in an adoptive home by February, and are currently lining up families to interview. But they were not sure if our current private home study would be accepted or if we would have to be foster licensed as well. She passed me along to a different phone number. The phone number they provided had been changed, and I was instructed to contact the case worker at a different number. After leaving a message on his answering machine and getting no answer, I voicemail stalked again. This time he answered. He gave me a few more details about “J,” but again I was passed off to someone else. Finally, when I reached the woman at the end of the line (thankfully she answered her phone after a few rings!) I was told that to be considered to adopt “J” we would have to be a licensed foster family. So, thanks but no thanks.

Now, as I told you, we attended the orientation session on Monday. Along with this orientation is a whole packet of paperwork, including another round of background checks (we just did this this summer for our private home study licensing) and fingerprinting. Of course, because of the holidays and the nature of these checks, it can take 4-6 weeks for background checks to come back. We’ve been told that we cannot start the 10 week, 30 hour required classes until our background checks come back clear, and the next sessions begin January 5. Since our paperwork won’t likely be approved by then, we won’t have an opportunity to start until April. I’ve contacted the right people, and our social worker has contacted people on our behalf, but as it stands, there is no way to go around this and we’ve been told “This is the system.”

It is SO frustrating to jump through hoops, spend countless conversations on the phone, dreaming and yearning about these children who just need to be loved and cared for and coming up against road block after road block. We’re not even “in the system” yet, and we’re frustrated. Perhaps this is God’s way of saying “This isn’t my plan for you.”

It is situations like this, and days like these, where I feel very tired and sad. Tired that we jump through hoops, get treated like criminals with interrogations about every aspect of our lives, and having to complete background checks about our history, and go on the roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. It makes me sad that we can’t just “make a baby” like so many others can do so simply and without thought. I don’t dream about pregnancy anymore. I don’t expect my period to be late. I don’t think anymore about the possibility of growing a baby inside of me. Until days like this. Have we given up too soon on fertility options? We CHOSE this path, because it felt like the perfect way for us to have a family. Most days I don’t mourn the fact that I will most likely never grow a baby inside of me. But today I do. Today I feel sad that this isn’t so easy for us. Today I feel angry at people who just take fertility for granted. And I’m angry at “the system” who claims they are doing what is best for children, but don’t allow for a simple thing like letting us start the classes prior to background checks (which were JUST done 4 months ago!) to come back clear. This is even more frustrating, because the social worker that would most likely be assigned to us, to begin an additional home study and all of that jazz, is the same social worker who just went through all of this with us 4 months ago!

I’ve spoken with Jake, our social worker, our moms, friends…and I know I need to pray about this…but right now it hurts, it’s frustrating, and I am feeling like throwing in the proverbial towel on trying to get licensed as a foster family. We are already licensed privately for domestic infant adoption…perhaps we just need to sit tight and wait patiently for God’s will to be done.