I Still Remember...

Today was an interesting day.

Today I went to an Army picnic and didn't leave angry, sad, and feeling sorry for myself.

Jake has been in the National Guard now for almost 10 years. From the beginning we've been surrounded by people who have kids...young families, single guys with kids...EVERYONE had kids. Sure I noticed, but I REALLY noticed when we had a debriefing a few months after the guys got home from their deployment. The soldiers were in one room & their wives/girlfriends/significant others were in another. ALL of the women had kids...or were pregnant...or both! I was the only one in an entire circle of women who had no kids and was not "with child."

I've never been one to follow the crowd, so it didn't bother me in that respect that everyone around me had kids. It just made things...uncomfortable. When all these people around me had spouses & loved ones deployed, they had a very good reason to get up every day. They had hungry mouths to feed, someone to hug them & depend upon them. I....didn't have that. Somedays that was a blessing. Other days a curse.

So, when the boys made it home safely and pregnancy didn't happen for us month after month, it was disappointing to say the least. I didn't want a baby because "everyone else did." I wanted a baby because it was dream of mine & Jakes.

I still remember what it felt like to be surrounded by fertile & uber fertile people...for people to look at you and even vocalize, "So...when you going to have kids?" Add to that the cavalier way that men can joke and chide with each other about "shooting blanks" etc...and it was just over the top painful.

Today was different. For one, most of those people I faced that deployment with have moved on...did their time & got out, onto other units, what have you. I hardly knew anyone...but still, we were surrounded by kids. But this time, I carried in a baby in a car seat. MY child. OUR child. People talked to us about him...asked his name...talked about their kids...asked his age...It was nice to be able to share that information...to not feel like I had to guard myself from questions about why and when we'd be having kids. Adoption didn't even come up in the conversation. We just have a son now, so I guess we fit in a little better.

It was a fine picnic...the first picnic that we've brought our son to. But I still remember what it felt like to have an empty womb surrounded by all of these people who took their fertility for granted. We are still infertile...but we have our child in our arms. It's an interesting dichotomy.