All week I've been anxious that my husband might forget about the fact that it is Mother's Day. I'm the one who picked out the cards and gifts for our moms and K and for getting together packets of pictures and mailing them off to the great-grandmas (late of course...) It's all kind of been a disaster. The gifts I ordered special for K were ordered on the 2nd. It is now the 11th and they have not yet arrived. I felt like a super schmuck telling her so when she visited us on Friday. Then, I've had the best of intentions to get a really nice gift for my mom & Jake's mom...we found something we liked while at the Mall of America, but I was unsure at the time, and so we passed. At this time I regret NOT making the purchase. So, here it is, Mother's Day NIGHT and I have pretty much failed all of the important women in MY life.
As I said, it's a bittersweet day. I look at my son, and I smile and I laugh and I hug him close, but I can't help but think of all the other women out there who are still waiting. Waiting to hold their babies, waiting to get pregnant,waiting for the fertility drugs to work, waiting for their prayers to be answered, waiting for their hearts and minds to be made up about what to do about pursuing adoption or assistive reproductive technology or giving up their pursuit for children....I also think of all those women who have lost a child...to miscarriage, abortion, unethical adoption arrangements, to untimely death and my heart just aches with pain for them on a day like today. And I think of K and all of the other women in the world who have lovingly placed a child in someone else's care through adoption. K knows Asher is safe, well, happy, and getting bigger everyday! She got to visit with him just two days ago. But my heart still hurts for her today. And it hurts for those women who DON'T know what their child looks like or sounds like or smells like anymore, or who wonder if they are safe or who hope that their child remembers them. So, yes, on a day when all the folks at church were wishing me a happy first Mother's Day, I just felt overwhelmingly sad. In fact, when one man asked me how my day has been I said "I dunno...it's just...weird..." And he said, "Ohhh....really? Weird?" like he wanted me to say something else, but all that kept running through my mind was "Don't turn into a mushpot in front of this man who is just trying to do what he thinks he's supposed to do and say on a day like today."
My husband DID remember me today...and even with that I felt like "Maybe I'm expecting too much from him to wish me this. I am not his mother, and while I am the mother of our child, I did not carry this child with an aching back and feet for 9 months. I did not labor with him and give him the miracle of life. I just took over when K offered me this opportunity." So, again, I am torn with what I am feeling and what I feel I am supposed to be feeling today. I'm a mushpot...a mess, and many of you are probably thinking "And craaaaazy, too!"
Two of the best gifts I received today were spending time with my son when he first woke up this morning, as he is always a smiley guy, and was especially silly and cute today, and a kiss on the cheek and a "Happy Mother's Day" from my own mom at lunch this afternoon.
In other news today, Asher spit up on me, spit up all over himself, and I'm currently sucking water out of the basement with the wet/dry shopvac while wondering if I will eat dinner tonight. I think THAT'S what Mother's Day is all about.
A Mom Because of Her
The joy I feel today is somehow mixed with pain,
A title once hers, now offered up for me to gain.
You see, I became a mother in a not so usual way,
At the loving hands of someone else, I celebrate today.
I am now called Mother, because she made it so;
She sacrificed her role with love, and let her baby go.
Now cards and flowers are mine, and happy wishes too;
Will you remember her as well, or will you have no clue?
She too is still a mother, even on this special day
Though no longer in her arms does her baby lay,
But forever in her heart remains a love so strong and pure
And as I enjoy this day, I remember:
I'm a mom because of her.
~Susan Reardon 2004
4 comments:
Happy Mother's Day!
I had the same ambivalent feelings about yesterday too. And my present won't get to my mom later this week either, so you aren't alone there.
You have such an amazing way with words. I'm all teary now... Happy Mother's Day, Emily!
Aw, Em, you're the sweetest person ever. I can't believe you waited so long to be a mom, and on your first Mother's Day you spent it worried about others. That's so selfless. I wish you could have enjoyed your day more, but I can totally understand your feelings. I hope next year you can celebrate Mother's Day happily.
Mother's and Father's Day when you're infertile is much like Valentine's Day without a spouse....only times 100. It pretty much sucks, but I hope that all people dealing with IF were able to celebrate the mothers in their lives.
Emily,
I just found this, but I think what you've said here is beautiful. My hubby and I are in the process of adoption and I can imagine having some of these same feelings someday. At this point in my life, mother's day still brings a pang of hurt at what I still so long for in my life. Sometimes it feels like we will never get there and mother's day is yet another reminder. Reading your heartfelt words has given me a glimpse into what the day might mean in the future. The poem at the bottom is so touching too, how very sweet. If nothing else...I hope you can take some comfort from the fact that your words and thoughts have touched me very personally today.
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