Quiet Moment

Well, I've been doing this mom thing for over 14 months now. You'd think I'd be better at it.

Some things I'm pretty good at. Playing, laughing, reading stories, singing songs, entertaining...giving my kid things he likes, such as mandarin oranges, chicken nuggets, and ravioli.

Other things...I'm not so good at....

For instance, I get really nervous about hanging out with other moms & their kids. I feel like they will judge me, will see how incompetent I really am, will realize that I am really a fraud or something. I mean, I didn't even send Christmas cards this year...my kid's first Christmas, and I didn't even send photo cards. As every other friend (with or without kids) sent us a beautiful, festive Christmas card, the 5 booklets of "Baby Jesus & Madonna" stamps sit idle in my wallet, 3 months later. What kind of great mommy is that?

And I don't always have a lot of patience....I sometimes get short with Asher, or annoyed that he doesn't "listen," and then I realize I am expecting way too much from this little, tiny person. I'm sure every mom has her moments, but I feel guilty about that, too.

And let's not even talk about the state of my house. Um...yeah...lets just not.

Lately I've been tired. I think Asher is getting ready to cut some more teeth, and every night for the past week he's woken up screaming, and it's sometimes difficult to get him settled down.

The other night was no exception....he was screaming his little head off, and I went into his room to comfort him. I picked him up and crawled back into our bed, and once I had soothed him a little, I began to rock him.

And then I had this "moment." A moment, in the quiet, dark night, mid-week, sometime in the middle of the night....I surprised myself at having such a coherent thought at such a ridiculous hour. I sat there, rocking my precious son, and I thought of K. The words just popped into my head... "She chose me for this."

Yes, K had chosen me to be Asher's mommy. She had picked me to enjoy the fun & wonderful parts, and she had picked me for the difficult and tiresome moments, too. And here we were, when the rest of the neighborhood was sleeping, and K probably was, too, but I was not.
"She chose me for this," I said to myself. I took that quiet moment to hold him a little tighter, to smell his hair, to kiss his cheeks, and just relish the moment. I thanked God that she had seen something in me...certainly not perfection or claiming to be a pro, but someone that she could trust, and it just humbled me so much.