This story starts on February 2nd. I had been sick with an awful cold for about two weeks and was finally beginning to feel a little better. I woke up that morning with an urge to spend money. This doesn't happen very often.
Consider that our dishwasher has been broken since September. I felt it was time to replace it. So, we headed out to Best Buy to drop some fat cash.
We walked through the aisles and picked out a nice model. And then I decided we should go look at the big TVs, as Jake had been drooling over one for longer than I've wanted a replacement dishwasher. As we headed into the TV section I looked to my husband's giddy face & before he could say anything goofy I told him, "Don't ruin this..."
We spent a long time picking the right TV: a 56 inch Samsung Slim DLP HDTV. A former high school classmate, Ben, and a dear friend, Justin, helped us in our selections. As Justin swiped our credit card for our major purchase, I made a joke out loud… “You know what’s going to happen? We’re going to get a phone call on Monday telling us we have a baby…”
Monday the 4th was my dad’s 55th birthday. I went to work and Jake had plans to meet a friend for lunch at noon. Around that time, I was working at my desk while one of my coworkers went to lunch. My phone started vibrating around 12:10… “Unknown.” I almost didn’t answer it…thinking it was probably a political call…but maybe it was by chance our social worker, or my mother in law. So, I answered it.
It was H, our social worker. She asked how I was doing & I said fine…but that I had been sick for about 2 weeks…how was she? This is how the conversation went:
H: Well…we have a situation…
Me: OK…..
H: And you and Jake have been picked by a birthmom to be parents!
Me: OK!....
H: And the baby was born on Saturday…
Me: OK!!...
H: It’s a boy…he’s caucasian, he’s beautiful, and he’s healthy. His birthmom would like to meet you and Jake as soon as possible. Would you be able to come to the hospital?
I was in complete shock. I wasn’t crying, but I was shaking…and I had to call Jake! So I called his cell and told him I was sorry to interrupt his lunch, but then I asked if he was sitting down. He said yes, so I just blurted out that H had called, we had been picked to be parents, and we needed to go to Genesis East as soon as possible to meet the baby who may be our SON! I could HEAR the smile on his face, I could hear the shock and amazement, and I just wanted to HUG him. He agreed he would come pick me up and we would head to the hospital together.
I informed my boss of what was going on, we called our parents, and then made the drive to the hospital. It was completely surreal. We still were in shock that the phone call we had been waiting for so long had actually come!
When we arrived at the hospital we sat in the car for a minute, shared some tears, some laughs, said a prayer, and then walked hand in hand into the hospital. This experience was like none we had ever had. How do you prepare yourself to meet the woman who has given birth to the child she wants you to raise? What do you even begin to say?
We met with H in the lobby of the 5th floor. She talked to us about the baby’s stats, 7 pounds 15 ounces, 19 inches long, born at 9:37 PM. She told us that his birthmom had named him; named after her two brothers. We talked about our agreement to level of openness…we had stated that we were OK with a semi-open relationship where we would be sending letters and pictures through the agency with no identifying information shared. I finally had to ask…what was the baby’s birthmom’s name?! I had been wondering about and praying for this woman for so long…WHO was she?! H told me that her name is K. It was wonderful to finally know her name.
H told us she would go back and talk to K and then she’d be back. It seemed like FOREVER. Jake and I both used the restroom about twice, we texted friends and talked on our phones and to each other…and I began making lists. I’m sure we looked completely nervous.
Finally, H came back & told us that K wanted to have her step-mom, mom & dad with her when we all met…so we had to wait just a little longer for her step-mom to arrive. But, in the meantime, she had handed us an envelope and informed us that K wanted us to have these photos of the baby while we waited. H disappeared again and Jake and I pulled the stack of photos from the padded envelope.
The first picture we saw was of K, looking tired from labor, holding her baby. They were wrapped in a tie-dye blanket. I remember one of the first things Jake said was “Hmmm…looks like you two are kindred spirit…” as I loved tie-dyed things in high school and college. We studied the pictures…at that point it didn’t seem real, but we were so grateful to have a glimpse of K and her baby. He had lots of hair and chubby cheeks, and looked perfectly newly born.
Soon, H came back with J, the hospital social worker, and they said it was time to meet K, her family, and the baby. We walked all the way to the end of the hallway. Jake and I took a deep breath, J knocked on the door & said “Ready for visitors?” and we followed them inside. K was sitting in the rocker holding the baby, and her family was sitting on the couch. We were invited in and sat upon the bed. We shook hands with everyone in the room and shared introductions, and from there the conversation just flowed. Within two minutes, K asked us “Do you want to hold him?” I looked to Jake, because it had always been my dream that he would hold our child first. He looked at me, nodded a nudge to “go first” and I held out my arms to K to receive the most beautiful baby boy. Of course, I was still getting over being sick, so I didn’t want to expose him too much. We were so engaged in conversation that it was too difficult to completely lose ourselves studying this perfect little boy. I soon handed him over to Jake, and he held him for most of our approximately three hour meeting.
We shared stories of our families and she shared a little bit about why she chose us. We shared laughter and some tears…all through lots of smiles. It was such a good feeling for me to finally know who K was and to hold a beautiful child in our arms.
That day K was getting discharged from the hospital, and so was the baby. We felt the best decision was for the baby to go to interim care for the week while the paperwork was signed. The end of our afternoon in the hospital was very busy with nurses and discharge instructions and the interim care family coming and everyone packing their bags…I made sure that K didn’t want some alone time with the baby…the afternoon had been pretty overwhelming and there were many people in and out of her room. She said she had had lots of time with him over the weekend, but inside it just broke my heart that this might be the last time she would see him in a very long time…At this point, we had agreed to semi-open, which meant we could exchange letters and pictures through the agency, but probably wouldn’t be meeting up or contacting each other directly.
When everyone was ready to leave the hospital, K, her step-mom, the 2 social workers, the interim care mom, the baby, Jake & I all walked out together. We stood in the little alcove bundling the baby up while the interim care mom went to pull her car up. We gave K hugs and she gave the baby a kiss, and then she turned and walked out of the hospital. I couldn’t hold it together any longer…the baby that we had prayed for and wanted so badly was here at our side, and the woman we had prayed for so long was walking away. My heart was breaking for her, and my pain poured out in sobs as Jake held me and told me it would be OK? Would she have anyone to hold her and tell her it would be OK? The baby left with the interim care mom, and we left the hospital with our packet of pictures and drove home.
We were emotionally and physically drained. Besides having a whirlwind of an afternoon, neither of us had eaten any lunch so we were tired and hungry. Once we got home and sat down, the “high” wore off a bit and we were left with feeling completely wiped out. We mustered some energy to head to my parents’ house, where we met up with them and Jake’s mom. My brother had no idea what was going on, so we were going to go tell him the exciting news. We handed him the packet of pictures & he looked through them like “What is this? A baby? Whose baby is this?” And then he caught on & was VERY EXCITED!
The strange feeling of déjà vu came over us all, as we sat around the table forming a “game plan” for the week and all the things we needed to tackle before bringing baby home. Four years prior, we were doing the same thing with our wedding. We had done wedding in a week, we could do baby in a week. We were up for the challenge. We picked out some beautiful green paint that night at Menards. As my mom, sister and I were choosing, another wave of energy wore off and I felt very sluggish and ready for bed. Instead of running more errands, I went home to catch some sleep.
Sleep never came that night. I tossed and turned all night long. I thought about K mostly. I also thought about this baby. I couldn’t say his name. I couldn’t call him ours. I didn’t know what to call him. I didn’t want to tell too many people about his existence until we knew more. I prayed he would be our son, but at that point I just couldn’t let my guard down and trust that he was. It had all happened so fast!
I worked the rest of the week. Every other day that week we visited the baby at the interim care house. Tuesday, our families got to go out and meet him…he was very sleepy and just didn’t want to stay awake too long. We had received the call on Monday (my dad’s birthday), and the baby was born Saturday night (K was laboring with him as we were making our large purchases at Best Buy). The paperwork for his birthparents to sign could not be signed until late Tuesday night. Since the time was so late, it was decided that they would sign on Wednesday instead. Well, on Wednesday we had another massive snowstorm/blizzard, so nothing would happen that day. Throughout the week, we got snippets of conversation from our social worker…things his birthparents had said, or how the process was going. All were very positive, and as the week progressed, I was able to open up to the idea that this might actually be our baby. Thursday was our 4th Anniversary. On that day, the baby’s birthparents signed the documents terminating their parental rights. After work that day we went to the interim home and spent time with the baby, then Jake and I went to dinner together and ran some baby-gear errands. By Friday, I was feeling pretty good about everything. I had chatted with our social worker earlier in the week and told her that if K wanted to be more open, that we’d be happy with that. On Friday, H came to work to talk to me. She had a letter for us from K, and I had a letter for K and the baby’s birthdad, as well as a photo CD for each of them. I couldn’t wait for her to leave so I could go home at lunch and read the letter with Jake!
When I got home, Jake & I sat down and I read the letter aloud. K told us about her family, about growing up, all about herself and things she enjoys, and then why she chose us to be the parents of her child. I couldn’t get through the letter without sobbing. There were many reasons she chose us, some being simple things like our love of music, animals, the Hawkeyes, our faith. But then she said, “I knew I had made the best choice in picking you to raise my baby when I saw Jake hold his son for the first time and the smile never left his face.” I sobbed. She, too, got to experience the moment when my dream came true, seeing my husband hold his son for the first time, and it had touched her as well. At the end of her letter, K gave us her last name and her phone number. She had opened the door to direct communication! I had included our email address in the letter to her, so I hoped she would perhaps respond to that.
On Saturday, the interim care family was heading out of town to look for a new vehicle, so we asked if we could possibly “babysit our baby” that day for them. Throughout the week, H had asked us if we were still planning on waiting the 96 hour period before bringing the baby home, and we continued to say yes. We “cleared” bringing him to our home to watch him for the day, and she let us know if we changed our minds and wanted to bring him home that day, she just needed to come to our house, have us sign some paperwork, and make sure he had a bed to sleep in and a carseat to ride in. We spent the day working on the nursery, doing baby laundry, organizing, entertaining friends who stopped by, and taking care of the baby’s every little need. Sadie got to meet him, and every tiny squeak he made, she was there by his side to check him out. It was awesome to spend the day with him, but the next day was the hardest day of the week. I finally was tired of waiting. I wanted our baby home. I felt that if his birthparents changed their minds now, that it wouldn’t be any less devastating…we HAD bonded with him whether we had brought him home or not. I just wanted it to be Monday already. I locked eyes with my mom and got teary when a baby began to cry during Mass. And I couldn’t keep it together when we sang the words to Hosea: “Long have I waited for your coming home to me and living deeply our new life…” I just cried while I sang, in front of God and everyone in the whole church. I didn’t care.
You probably think I didn’t sleep that night, but I did. I was exhausted. I got up on Monday, a week after the phone call that changed our lives, and went to work. I tied up some loose ends, and watched the clock for noon. When I left that day I was officially on “maternity leave!” Jake & his dad picked up our son from the interim care home, brought him to our house and H met us there. We signed all the paperwork, showed H his carseat and bassinette, and we were left along in our home as a family of three! On Friday, after I received K’s letter, where she referred to the baby as “Asher” I was able to finally give myself the permission to call him by his name. Our lives have been forever changed.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Male Model
My baby can do Derek Zoolander's signature look: Blue Steel.
We had an amazing and laughable time yesterday watching Shannon capture our beautiful son on camera. He made her job a bit difficult at times, but as you can see, she's certainly a pro at snapping amazing memories. We will treasure these pictures always...
Please check out Shannon's site to see just a preview of our beautiful boy
We had an amazing and laughable time yesterday watching Shannon capture our beautiful son on camera. He made her job a bit difficult at times, but as you can see, she's certainly a pro at snapping amazing memories. We will treasure these pictures always...
Please check out Shannon's site to see just a preview of our beautiful boy
Monday, February 11, 2008
Hi, I'm New Here
Well...I know many of you have been waiting for my big arrival, so I thought I'd introduce myself.
I'm Asher Joseph, and I was born on Groundhogs Day! I am now 9 days old, and guess what?! I got to come home with my Mommy & Daddy TODAY! They keep wrapping me tight in my blankie and calling me "Little Burrito Man" and my dog Sadie keeps giving me kisses. I like to make little noises so she is very curious about me.
I was 7 pounds 15 ounces and 19 inches long. I have a full head of beautiful, dark hair and blue eyes...you can check me out in the picture albums! My Mom is still trying to figure me out, but I can tell she's not too sure what the heck she's doing so I'm trying to help her out. She was feeding me and I started to spit some out so she'd sit me up...once she did I let out a big *BURP* so now she won't forget!
My Mommy & Daddy think I'm pretty amazing and cute, but you can just see for yourself! My Mommy will tell you the whole story sometime soon, but I just wanted all of you who have been praying for me, and my birthparents, and my Mommy & Daddy to know "Here I am!"
Monday, January 28, 2008
In Memory: Gone Fishing
Gone Fishing
The day the skies opened up and cried
God knew you needed a rest
He surrounded you with loving family
And He called up one of his best
He said "Leave your poles and lures behind
And come and fish with me
We'll skim across the waters
Of Heaven for all eternity."
We'll miss your smiles, laughter, and hugs
But memories of you we'll keep dear
You're with us beside us, everyday
In our hearts you're always near
You're in a better place now
There's no more praying and wishing
Because we know what you're doing now
You're in Heaven, with Jesus,
Gone Fishing...
October 2, 1924-January 28, 2006
ERBP
This is a poem I wrote for my Grampa FGB the day he passed away. My Grampa had 9 children, and every single one of them, plus many of their spouses, my Grandma (his wife of 60 years) and their grandchildren were surrounding him as he passed from this world into eternal life. It was not scary or ugly, but peaceful.
He always encouraged my writing, and was supportive of all of my creative endeavors. He taught my dad the value of money, of hard work, and of fishing and the mighty Mississippi, which my dad then taught to me. We buried Grampa with a busted up left handed rod that had electrical tape holding it together. No one else would have liked that pole, and that's why Grampa loved it so much.
When I think Grampa I think fishing, tire swings, John Deere tractors, and the river on summer nights. His rough, unshaven cheeks on mine, his great, tight hugs, and the smell of his old black cigarettes, even though he promised to quit. I still find myself ripping stamps off of envelopes for his collection, and I am now the owner of some of the coins that he so carefully kept. And I wonder what he woud think of the political arena for the 2008 election, as he seemed to always agree with the politics of Bill Clinton.
He was a good, hard-working man from Iowa. I still do, and always will, miss my Grampa B.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Not-So-Nursery....Nursery.
Our house has three bedrooms. Currently Jake & I occupy one, and most often not simultaneously, but on opposite shifts. Another bedroom is set up as our guest room. We affectionately call this room "Sadie's room" as she is usually the one bunked up in there (sorry guests). She loves looking out the windows, whether it's watching the playful squirrels or surveying the neighborhood for bad guys or postmen. The third bedroom started out as an office and has morphed into a catch-all junk room. It's positively hideous. We have a few boxes that have not been unpacked since we moved in, a dead dinosaur of a computer, my wedding gown is in a box up on a shelf in the closet, and the built-in drawers and shelves are packed with papers, books, and clutter. This will someday be our child's room. I refer to this room as the "Not-So-Nursery...Nursery."
It seems a daunting task...to go through my clutter and his clutter and part with so much of it, and yet I want to be rid of it all. There are invoices and statements to be organized and filed, computer disks to be matched up with the proper sleeve, and dust bunnies galore. There is a huge L-shaped desk that was a *$%#@ to get in there (don't ask me...ask my husband!) that has to be completely dismantled and hauled out before we can even begin thinking of baby moving in.
But I have so many ideas! I rarely go into that room even though it is right across the hall from ours. Lately, though, I've been stepping inside, and even amidst the boxes of junk I stand there and suck in my breath a little and think about rocking our child to sleep in a chair in the corner. I can't yet picture exactly what it will look like, although I know there will be elephants galore and perhaps a mint or sage green paint slicked onto the walls. It will smell like baby powder and have numerous plush surfaces.
I can't wait until the room looks like a nursery. A crib for baby to sleep, stacks of diapers in the drawers and tiny outfits hanging in the closet. There will be homemade curtains and many little elephant friends hanging out and books to read someday.
But right now it's just a Not-So-Nursery...Nursery. So much of me is motivated to transform this room...but another part is apprehensive. We have officially been waiting for 5 months and 5 days. By now, if we were pregnant, I'd have a neat little bump under my sweater, maybe be feeling the baby moving around, and possibly know if it's a boy or a girl. Friends and family would be asking how things are progressing and how I'm feeling, and excitedly planning on the baby's arrival in 4 months. But we have no idea when this baby will arrive, and there are no outward signs that Jake or I carry around that show that we are "expecting." What if we go through all the work and sweat of giving the room a makeover and no baby comes for months....maybe years?
I guess I haven't truly given myself "permission" to go walk the aisles of Babies R' Us to dream and investigate. I've walked into the baby section at Wal-Mart about twice, but I always do so somewhat sheepishly and feel as if I'm an outsider among the women with swollen bellies or babies in their carts. I feel like I don't want someone that doesn't know we're adopting to "catch" me there and look to my belly for "proof." I enjoy telling people that we are adopting, and proudly...but it's often on MY terms. I feel better and like I'm not caught off guard if I can tell THEM before they ask ME about my reproductive status.
And so, the room sits....waiting for it's tranformation from a Not-So-Nursery to an Actual Nursery. It's difficult to say how long it may take to complete the transformation, and even more difficult to say how long it may take for a baby to arrive and take up residence inside. But we're hopeful that we will make some progress on the room, soon, and that our wait won't be too long. Most people wait for babies about 9 months, right?! :)
It seems a daunting task...to go through my clutter and his clutter and part with so much of it, and yet I want to be rid of it all. There are invoices and statements to be organized and filed, computer disks to be matched up with the proper sleeve, and dust bunnies galore. There is a huge L-shaped desk that was a *$%#@ to get in there (don't ask me...ask my husband!) that has to be completely dismantled and hauled out before we can even begin thinking of baby moving in.
But I have so many ideas! I rarely go into that room even though it is right across the hall from ours. Lately, though, I've been stepping inside, and even amidst the boxes of junk I stand there and suck in my breath a little and think about rocking our child to sleep in a chair in the corner. I can't yet picture exactly what it will look like, although I know there will be elephants galore and perhaps a mint or sage green paint slicked onto the walls. It will smell like baby powder and have numerous plush surfaces.
I can't wait until the room looks like a nursery. A crib for baby to sleep, stacks of diapers in the drawers and tiny outfits hanging in the closet. There will be homemade curtains and many little elephant friends hanging out and books to read someday.
But right now it's just a Not-So-Nursery...Nursery. So much of me is motivated to transform this room...but another part is apprehensive. We have officially been waiting for 5 months and 5 days. By now, if we were pregnant, I'd have a neat little bump under my sweater, maybe be feeling the baby moving around, and possibly know if it's a boy or a girl. Friends and family would be asking how things are progressing and how I'm feeling, and excitedly planning on the baby's arrival in 4 months. But we have no idea when this baby will arrive, and there are no outward signs that Jake or I carry around that show that we are "expecting." What if we go through all the work and sweat of giving the room a makeover and no baby comes for months....maybe years?
I guess I haven't truly given myself "permission" to go walk the aisles of Babies R' Us to dream and investigate. I've walked into the baby section at Wal-Mart about twice, but I always do so somewhat sheepishly and feel as if I'm an outsider among the women with swollen bellies or babies in their carts. I feel like I don't want someone that doesn't know we're adopting to "catch" me there and look to my belly for "proof." I enjoy telling people that we are adopting, and proudly...but it's often on MY terms. I feel better and like I'm not caught off guard if I can tell THEM before they ask ME about my reproductive status.
And so, the room sits....waiting for it's tranformation from a Not-So-Nursery to an Actual Nursery. It's difficult to say how long it may take to complete the transformation, and even more difficult to say how long it may take for a baby to arrive and take up residence inside. But we're hopeful that we will make some progress on the room, soon, and that our wait won't be too long. Most people wait for babies about 9 months, right?! :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
A New Day
Stats
Current Temp: 10 degrees (feels like -5 degrees with wind chill)
Current wake up time today: 5:25 AM
Current time out of bed today: 5:25 AM
Current Daily Intake: FF yogurt, water, light string cheese, water, apple & peanut butter, and more water!
Calories Burned: 330
Total Distance: 1.5+ miles
Current feeling: Awesome & energized!
5:25 the alarm went off. I opened my eyes. I didn’t feel like poo. I didn’t really feel tired, and I had no body aches or pains. Shocking. Having no reason to put off the planned workout of the day, I got out of my bed & turned off the subsequent alarms, having no need for 3 alarms or the snooze button today. This, in itself, is already a small victory in my day.
The house is quiet. I feed Sadie and let her outside and choose a Harvest Peach Yoplait for my pre-workout breakfast at the urging of my uber-healthy aunt who has undertaken and conquered the IronMan numerous times. If a yogurt is good enough for her, it’s definitely good enough for me. I dress, pull my hair up, wash my face, and actually feel good. I was not expecting this.
I get my shoes on and Sadie is dancing around the living room, expecting that I’m going to take her. I feel mothers’ guilt, and I attempt to ignore her so she doesn’t think I’m riling her up to take her on a walk. I slip outside and it’s freezing and dark. I am never up and outside when it’s dark, but hey, today is a new day.
I crank up K-LOVE and drive to the end of the alley. I can pull directly out of my drive because there’s hardly any traffic, and the drive stays mostly like this, except for the fact that I pretty much run into every red light along the way. *SIGH*
As I drive by the beautiful, dark park, I see a man jogging along. “Wow,” I think to myself, “He’s got heart to be out here in the frigid cold!” Usually I would say to myself “Crazy person!” but today I thought “Huh! You go, dude!”
I make my way downtown and approach the bridge. I can see the line of cars backed up onto the street and across the bridge itself. I should have known. This is prime “go to work time” at the base. At this point I have a couple choices. A) Be pissed off, turn around, and go home and get into my warm bed. B) Give it up as something beyond my control, turn up K-LOVE, and rock out until it’s my turn to proceed. I chose B. Usually, I probably would choose A…but today I decided “It’s a new day. I can do something different!” And I did.
I get across the bridge in a relatively quick fashion (considering) but after they check my ID to get on the island, they wave me over to the little car port area where a man in a clipboard stands and awaits me. I feel a bit apprehensive, as I have no idea what he wants/needs of me, but know that this is a random search of me/my car. I turn down the radio and roll down my window. He jovially tells me he’s not going to make me get out of the car (thank you, military man, I appreciate this) but he’s popping my back hatch (oh, why didn’t I drop those two bags of crap off at the Goodwill yesterday?), opening the side door (ugh…embarrassing-I can’t get the seat back up, it’s stuck…sorry?!), and then motions for me to pop my hood. I’m flipping on the lights, wondering where in the heck my hood popper is, attempting not to be flustered. I pop the hood, he checks, asks me where I’m going, and then waves me on. Phew.
I finally get to the building and park. When I get in they scan my MWR ID and tell me it’s a reject. I tell them I figured as much since it’s been years that I used their facility and I have a new military ID. They tell me they will issue me a new one today, and ohbytheway, let’s take your picture, too. LOVELY. I am looking totally hot, as I have just woken up all of 30 minutes ago. I then have to go outside and move my car to the opposite side of the lot, as while I was standing there waiting for my ID I’ve been reading a sign that says “NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PARK ON THE EAST SIDE OF THE PARKING LOT.” Hey, this is the military. They may send me to Iraq as punishment or something, and that’s the last thing I want to do, so I politely tell the folks I’ll be right back. How much more crazy could this morning be in less than 15 minutes?!
Once I get in the locker room I realize my lock doesn’t fit on the locker (they don’t look like new ones, so why won’t the lock fit?) so I have to carry my bag with me to the treadmills, but whatever. It’s not too busy, I do 30 minutes of “in the zone heartrate” cardio on the treadmill, and feel awesome. I DID IT!
I think what is helping me this time is that I am mentally preparing myself more than I have in the past. I am reading Triathlon Training in 4 Hours a Week: From Beginner to Finish Line in Just Six Weeks by Eric Harr. He gives a lot of great advice, from what gear is necessary and where to find it at the best price, to mental preparation and how to fight through when your mind is trying to dissuade you from working out by sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. That’s what I need. I need the internal motivation. I am (currently) not worried about how I will physically cross the finish line. What I am focusing on right now is the mental battle to get myself out there to do the training work to even get to race day. Sure, I need to know proper form and what to wear on race day (by the way, what DO you wear on race day?!) and how to avoid injury, but I am so grateful that there are author athletes who understand that sometimes the biggest part of the battle is motivation and mental preparedness.
One of the best things I’ve learned so far is “Give up the all or none mentality.” I don’t particularly like Harr’s explanation of this gem of advice, but to me this was a hugely important tip. I am the kind of girl who, once I fall off the wagon, I might as well just not get back up on it. This time I am vowing to handle this differently. Just because I may get a super craving for a McDonalds iced vanilla coffee and decide to order a 2 cheeseburger meal along with it doesn’t mean that I’ve completely botched up all of my training prep. Sure, it was a crappy choice. Sure, it’s not going to feel that great sitting in my stomach and it’s probably melding itself permanently to my butt the moment I swallow….but it was ONE bad choice. Why continue to punish myself by eating a Snickers on top of that, or passing up on the workout that day? I need to say “That was dumb!” and drive on…with eating healthy and working out, no matter how much I mess up. Any steps I make towards being a healthier person are doing just that…making me healthier! The book made a very good point. Let’s say I do six weeks of training, and on race day I wake up with the flu. Sure, it will be a major bummer that I don’t get to compete, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do six weeks of good training for nothing! I got healthier, I felt better, and I exercised. Sure the excitement of being able to say “I’m a finisher!” at the end of the race is an incentive to get out there and do this, but honestly, part of me DOES want the health benefits of doing it, too.
Another reason this time is different is because I am doing this because I want it and I am not depending on other people to hold me accountable this time. In the past I’ve had workout buddies, email buddies, healthy eating buddies. It’s a great idea in the beginning, when you’re both feeling motivated, but then someone stops emailing, or gets busy, or eats an entire box of Cheez-Its (and usually it’s me…). This time I have set the goal myself. I have a “cut off” date. I know that I am going to run (or drag myself) across that finish line on June 14th, and I really do think I will be so proud of myself. I can’t depend on my husband, or my mom, or my friends, or acquaintances to keep me motivated and interested. It’s not their problem when I don’t do the workout. It’s my own. And I want to be able to say “I did it!” Sure, I appreciate the support. Of course I want my friends and family cheering me on (as I train, and as I compete). But training and crossing the finish line have got to be on my time, on my accord, and by my motivation and hard work.
Current Temp: 10 degrees (feels like -5 degrees with wind chill)
Current wake up time today: 5:25 AM
Current time out of bed today: 5:25 AM
Current Daily Intake: FF yogurt, water, light string cheese, water, apple & peanut butter, and more water!
Calories Burned: 330
Total Distance: 1.5+ miles
Current feeling: Awesome & energized!
5:25 the alarm went off. I opened my eyes. I didn’t feel like poo. I didn’t really feel tired, and I had no body aches or pains. Shocking. Having no reason to put off the planned workout of the day, I got out of my bed & turned off the subsequent alarms, having no need for 3 alarms or the snooze button today. This, in itself, is already a small victory in my day.
The house is quiet. I feed Sadie and let her outside and choose a Harvest Peach Yoplait for my pre-workout breakfast at the urging of my uber-healthy aunt who has undertaken and conquered the IronMan numerous times. If a yogurt is good enough for her, it’s definitely good enough for me. I dress, pull my hair up, wash my face, and actually feel good. I was not expecting this.
I get my shoes on and Sadie is dancing around the living room, expecting that I’m going to take her. I feel mothers’ guilt, and I attempt to ignore her so she doesn’t think I’m riling her up to take her on a walk. I slip outside and it’s freezing and dark. I am never up and outside when it’s dark, but hey, today is a new day.
I crank up K-LOVE and drive to the end of the alley. I can pull directly out of my drive because there’s hardly any traffic, and the drive stays mostly like this, except for the fact that I pretty much run into every red light along the way. *SIGH*
As I drive by the beautiful, dark park, I see a man jogging along. “Wow,” I think to myself, “He’s got heart to be out here in the frigid cold!” Usually I would say to myself “Crazy person!” but today I thought “Huh! You go, dude!”
I make my way downtown and approach the bridge. I can see the line of cars backed up onto the street and across the bridge itself. I should have known. This is prime “go to work time” at the base. At this point I have a couple choices. A) Be pissed off, turn around, and go home and get into my warm bed. B) Give it up as something beyond my control, turn up K-LOVE, and rock out until it’s my turn to proceed. I chose B. Usually, I probably would choose A…but today I decided “It’s a new day. I can do something different!” And I did.
I get across the bridge in a relatively quick fashion (considering) but after they check my ID to get on the island, they wave me over to the little car port area where a man in a clipboard stands and awaits me. I feel a bit apprehensive, as I have no idea what he wants/needs of me, but know that this is a random search of me/my car. I turn down the radio and roll down my window. He jovially tells me he’s not going to make me get out of the car (thank you, military man, I appreciate this) but he’s popping my back hatch (oh, why didn’t I drop those two bags of crap off at the Goodwill yesterday?), opening the side door (ugh…embarrassing-I can’t get the seat back up, it’s stuck…sorry?!), and then motions for me to pop my hood. I’m flipping on the lights, wondering where in the heck my hood popper is, attempting not to be flustered. I pop the hood, he checks, asks me where I’m going, and then waves me on. Phew.
I finally get to the building and park. When I get in they scan my MWR ID and tell me it’s a reject. I tell them I figured as much since it’s been years that I used their facility and I have a new military ID. They tell me they will issue me a new one today, and ohbytheway, let’s take your picture, too. LOVELY. I am looking totally hot, as I have just woken up all of 30 minutes ago. I then have to go outside and move my car to the opposite side of the lot, as while I was standing there waiting for my ID I’ve been reading a sign that says “NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PARK ON THE EAST SIDE OF THE PARKING LOT.” Hey, this is the military. They may send me to Iraq as punishment or something, and that’s the last thing I want to do, so I politely tell the folks I’ll be right back. How much more crazy could this morning be in less than 15 minutes?!
Once I get in the locker room I realize my lock doesn’t fit on the locker (they don’t look like new ones, so why won’t the lock fit?) so I have to carry my bag with me to the treadmills, but whatever. It’s not too busy, I do 30 minutes of “in the zone heartrate” cardio on the treadmill, and feel awesome. I DID IT!
I think what is helping me this time is that I am mentally preparing myself more than I have in the past. I am reading Triathlon Training in 4 Hours a Week: From Beginner to Finish Line in Just Six Weeks by Eric Harr. He gives a lot of great advice, from what gear is necessary and where to find it at the best price, to mental preparation and how to fight through when your mind is trying to dissuade you from working out by sitting on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. That’s what I need. I need the internal motivation. I am (currently) not worried about how I will physically cross the finish line. What I am focusing on right now is the mental battle to get myself out there to do the training work to even get to race day. Sure, I need to know proper form and what to wear on race day (by the way, what DO you wear on race day?!) and how to avoid injury, but I am so grateful that there are author athletes who understand that sometimes the biggest part of the battle is motivation and mental preparedness.
One of the best things I’ve learned so far is “Give up the all or none mentality.” I don’t particularly like Harr’s explanation of this gem of advice, but to me this was a hugely important tip. I am the kind of girl who, once I fall off the wagon, I might as well just not get back up on it. This time I am vowing to handle this differently. Just because I may get a super craving for a McDonalds iced vanilla coffee and decide to order a 2 cheeseburger meal along with it doesn’t mean that I’ve completely botched up all of my training prep. Sure, it was a crappy choice. Sure, it’s not going to feel that great sitting in my stomach and it’s probably melding itself permanently to my butt the moment I swallow….but it was ONE bad choice. Why continue to punish myself by eating a Snickers on top of that, or passing up on the workout that day? I need to say “That was dumb!” and drive on…with eating healthy and working out, no matter how much I mess up. Any steps I make towards being a healthier person are doing just that…making me healthier! The book made a very good point. Let’s say I do six weeks of training, and on race day I wake up with the flu. Sure, it will be a major bummer that I don’t get to compete, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t do six weeks of good training for nothing! I got healthier, I felt better, and I exercised. Sure the excitement of being able to say “I’m a finisher!” at the end of the race is an incentive to get out there and do this, but honestly, part of me DOES want the health benefits of doing it, too.
Another reason this time is different is because I am doing this because I want it and I am not depending on other people to hold me accountable this time. In the past I’ve had workout buddies, email buddies, healthy eating buddies. It’s a great idea in the beginning, when you’re both feeling motivated, but then someone stops emailing, or gets busy, or eats an entire box of Cheez-Its (and usually it’s me…). This time I have set the goal myself. I have a “cut off” date. I know that I am going to run (or drag myself) across that finish line on June 14th, and I really do think I will be so proud of myself. I can’t depend on my husband, or my mom, or my friends, or acquaintances to keep me motivated and interested. It’s not their problem when I don’t do the workout. It’s my own. And I want to be able to say “I did it!” Sure, I appreciate the support. Of course I want my friends and family cheering me on (as I train, and as I compete). But training and crossing the finish line have got to be on my time, on my accord, and by my motivation and hard work.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Training: Day 1
Current Stats
Current Temp: 39 & Sunny - feels much warmer out
Current Weight: Overweight & feeling every pound (I did debate whether or not to share my weight with all of you, but decided against it at this time. One of these days I will embrace it, but not yet).
Time: 25 minutes (11:09-11:34 AM)
Currently Eating/Drinking: Ice Water
Currently Listening To: 90's music - oddly enough Savage Garden's Truly, Madly, Deeply which is "our song"
Currently Feeling: Hot (as in flushed not sexy)
Started out the day with zero motivation. Slept in until 9:30 (felt good to be lazy). Once I got downstairs I poured myself a small glass of grape juice (unsure of nutritional content, but do believe it is 100% juice, so that's better than nothing). Decided against Cocoa Dyno-bites since I figured that wouldn't taste, feel, or look good if I heaved those up if I got up the courage to exercise this AM.
Christmas tree and stockings are still staring me in the face...why won't they go put themselves away?! Stylist called moments after I dragged myself out of bed...my appointment was at 9:30 & she forgot to call me yesterday to remind me. Rescheduled. No one wants this dragon breath in the morning. I resolved myself to putting the Christmas decorations away TODAY. Hmm....not sure of that plan.
Decided I was going to pull up some links for the Couch to 5K program and found an aggressive running program. HA. I said this myself. However, if I continue to DO what I've been doing, my results will be the same. Talked myself into going to the running store today & picking out a new pair of running shoes which I will do once I am smelling & looking better. Anyway, aggressive. A 4 month training program. Well, considering it's already January 12th and St. Patrick's Day is, oh, about 2 months from now, I will not be quite on track, but I am convinced I will still do the 5K whether my training is "up to speed" or not.
So, the training starts with a Monday calendar. REST. Hmmm....this isn't starting out so well....it's Saturday. 30 minutes walk/0 minutes run. OK, let's pretend that Monday is Saturday: still REST day. I've been "resting" for a few years now...let's get this girl up off the couch & OUT THERE TO-DAY. Let's pretend Saturday is Tuesday, self. OK: 25 minutes walk/0 minutes run. Let's do it.
Sadie is turning circles to get outside. I had to stretch first & she thinks this part is very fun & takes every opportunity to get under my arms, stick her wet nose in my face, and make this part "all about her." She has me laughing before we even get out the door.
I step outside in my husband's light windbreaker with thin fleece liner. After this run, I was glad I decided against a hat & mittens (I'd have been drenched & I'm not quite ready for THAT level of athlete yet - I kinda abhor sweat). Check the cell phone (mental note: get yourself a watch with a timer on it) & begin our journey. We walk down to the junior high & I check the clock (4 minutes....hmmm...) then head to the bike path & I check the clock (7 minutes....this isn't going very fast). A few paces along I say out loud (I don't usually talk to myself, but I figure I was talking to Sadie) "Let's run to the bridge." We begin. I start out at a pace I think is do-able & then remember my friend Emily who has completely tranformed herself told me to run at an almost ridiculously slow pace, so I slow down. I concentrate on my breathing (I suck at this, I'm an athsmatic, this is WHY you don't run, stupid). I think about how my amazing mother (who has ridden her bike across the USA, finished at least one tri that I know of, and a number of marathons & dozens of other races) would be critiquing my form and telling me I'm swinging my torso too much (must figure out how to move that part less?) I push mom from my mind and at this point see how far the damn bridge looks. Why did I say out loud that we would run to the bridge. I tell myself "I can't stop running til I get to the bridge." and then about 5 steps later I stop to a walk. Sadie ACTUALLY turns around and LOOKS at me...she doesn't talk (my dog doesn't, does yours?) but she SAYS to me with those EYES of hers, "Mom, you said we were running to the bridge." And so, grunting on the inside and also semi-inspired I pick up the pace & we jog (slowly) the rest of the way to the bridge. At the bridge I feel like POO. I am making some crazy sounds and I feel like "Holy cow, you are more out of shape than you thought!" Yes, yes, positive self talk is something I will have to work on, obviously!
I resolve to walk the rest of the way (hey, this is my first day, right, and there was to be no running involved anyway). I choose "hill" rather than "flat" for the 2nd half of our walk/attempted run. About half way up the hill, I unzip the jacket, I can feel my cheeks getting redder, and I feel even WORSE than I did at the bridge. At this point I laugh to myself and thank God I did not choose the Cocoa Dynobites, but am thinking that an apple with peanut butter might be a good choice once/if I make it home. I don't usually eat things like this, but then I remind myself why. Even though an apple & peanut butter is a pretty quick, convenient snack, a bag of Doritos is so much MORE convenient. UGH. Apples & peanut butter apples & peanut butter apples & peanut butter.
We have somehow made it to the top of the hill. Phew. I check the cell phone. 9 more minutes. Seriously?! UGH. So I continue toward the house & where we normally would go straight I avert our path to around the block for a longer route. I don't really remember this part of the walk right now (perhaps I blocked it from my memory already?) Sadie & I make it home exactly at 25 minutes.
WE DID IT! First day workout: success.
I feel good for the most part. I will probably cough through this afternoon, but I feel semi-OK. I will most likely weigh myself before I shower (as if that short jaunt really DID anything, but I like to humor myself in strange ways sometimes).
Next on the agenda today: go to the fabric store to pick out fleece elephant fabric to make a blanket for our someday baby! Christmas decorations will be dealt with...at an undetermined time and date.
Current Temp: 39 & Sunny - feels much warmer out
Current Weight: Overweight & feeling every pound (I did debate whether or not to share my weight with all of you, but decided against it at this time. One of these days I will embrace it, but not yet).
Time: 25 minutes (11:09-11:34 AM)
Currently Eating/Drinking: Ice Water
Currently Listening To: 90's music - oddly enough Savage Garden's Truly, Madly, Deeply which is "our song"
Currently Feeling: Hot (as in flushed not sexy)
Started out the day with zero motivation. Slept in until 9:30 (felt good to be lazy). Once I got downstairs I poured myself a small glass of grape juice (unsure of nutritional content, but do believe it is 100% juice, so that's better than nothing). Decided against Cocoa Dyno-bites since I figured that wouldn't taste, feel, or look good if I heaved those up if I got up the courage to exercise this AM.
Christmas tree and stockings are still staring me in the face...why won't they go put themselves away?! Stylist called moments after I dragged myself out of bed...my appointment was at 9:30 & she forgot to call me yesterday to remind me. Rescheduled. No one wants this dragon breath in the morning. I resolved myself to putting the Christmas decorations away TODAY. Hmm....not sure of that plan.
Decided I was going to pull up some links for the Couch to 5K program and found an aggressive running program. HA. I said this myself. However, if I continue to DO what I've been doing, my results will be the same. Talked myself into going to the running store today & picking out a new pair of running shoes which I will do once I am smelling & looking better. Anyway, aggressive. A 4 month training program. Well, considering it's already January 12th and St. Patrick's Day is, oh, about 2 months from now, I will not be quite on track, but I am convinced I will still do the 5K whether my training is "up to speed" or not.
So, the training starts with a Monday calendar. REST. Hmmm....this isn't starting out so well....it's Saturday. 30 minutes walk/0 minutes run. OK, let's pretend that Monday is Saturday: still REST day. I've been "resting" for a few years now...let's get this girl up off the couch & OUT THERE TO-DAY. Let's pretend Saturday is Tuesday, self. OK: 25 minutes walk/0 minutes run. Let's do it.
Sadie is turning circles to get outside. I had to stretch first & she thinks this part is very fun & takes every opportunity to get under my arms, stick her wet nose in my face, and make this part "all about her." She has me laughing before we even get out the door.
I step outside in my husband's light windbreaker with thin fleece liner. After this run, I was glad I decided against a hat & mittens (I'd have been drenched & I'm not quite ready for THAT level of athlete yet - I kinda abhor sweat). Check the cell phone (mental note: get yourself a watch with a timer on it) & begin our journey. We walk down to the junior high & I check the clock (4 minutes....hmmm...) then head to the bike path & I check the clock (7 minutes....this isn't going very fast). A few paces along I say out loud (I don't usually talk to myself, but I figure I was talking to Sadie) "Let's run to the bridge." We begin. I start out at a pace I think is do-able & then remember my friend Emily who has completely tranformed herself told me to run at an almost ridiculously slow pace, so I slow down. I concentrate on my breathing (I suck at this, I'm an athsmatic, this is WHY you don't run, stupid). I think about how my amazing mother (who has ridden her bike across the USA, finished at least one tri that I know of, and a number of marathons & dozens of other races) would be critiquing my form and telling me I'm swinging my torso too much (must figure out how to move that part less?) I push mom from my mind and at this point see how far the damn bridge looks. Why did I say out loud that we would run to the bridge. I tell myself "I can't stop running til I get to the bridge." and then about 5 steps later I stop to a walk. Sadie ACTUALLY turns around and LOOKS at me...she doesn't talk (my dog doesn't, does yours?) but she SAYS to me with those EYES of hers, "Mom, you said we were running to the bridge." And so, grunting on the inside and also semi-inspired I pick up the pace & we jog (slowly) the rest of the way to the bridge. At the bridge I feel like POO. I am making some crazy sounds and I feel like "Holy cow, you are more out of shape than you thought!" Yes, yes, positive self talk is something I will have to work on, obviously!
I resolve to walk the rest of the way (hey, this is my first day, right, and there was to be no running involved anyway). I choose "hill" rather than "flat" for the 2nd half of our walk/attempted run. About half way up the hill, I unzip the jacket, I can feel my cheeks getting redder, and I feel even WORSE than I did at the bridge. At this point I laugh to myself and thank God I did not choose the Cocoa Dynobites, but am thinking that an apple with peanut butter might be a good choice once/if I make it home. I don't usually eat things like this, but then I remind myself why. Even though an apple & peanut butter is a pretty quick, convenient snack, a bag of Doritos is so much MORE convenient. UGH. Apples & peanut butter apples & peanut butter apples & peanut butter.
We have somehow made it to the top of the hill. Phew. I check the cell phone. 9 more minutes. Seriously?! UGH. So I continue toward the house & where we normally would go straight I avert our path to around the block for a longer route. I don't really remember this part of the walk right now (perhaps I blocked it from my memory already?) Sadie & I make it home exactly at 25 minutes.
WE DID IT! First day workout: success.
I feel good for the most part. I will probably cough through this afternoon, but I feel semi-OK. I will most likely weigh myself before I shower (as if that short jaunt really DID anything, but I like to humor myself in strange ways sometimes).
Next on the agenda today: go to the fabric store to pick out fleece elephant fabric to make a blanket for our someday baby! Christmas decorations will be dealt with...at an undetermined time and date.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Anti-Resolution
I'm not making a resolution for the New Year. I think resolutions are ideas for quick solutions and not well-thought out plans for actual change.
Therefore, I've decided to set about making a list of goals for 2008. I'm not going to call them "New Years Goals" because I really want to focus on the entire year, not just the "new" part of it.
So, here is my list (thus far) of the goals I am setting out for myself for 2008.
1. Laugh more.
2. Complete a triathlon in June.
3. Drink more water.
4. Spend more time with people I love and people who love me.
5. Take more walks with my dog and just enjoy sharing this time with my beloved pet and fresh air.
6. Stop complaining about silly things.
7. Pray more.
8. Don't worry about things that I have no control over.
9. Read more books.
10. Spend less time watching television or surfing the web.
11. Knit more.
12. Use the St. Patrick's Day 5K as a mini-goal on my way to the triathlon.
13. Believe in myself.
14. Give more hugs to my husband.
15. Clean my house more often.
If you've "followed" my blog, you know I battle weight and food. I've told friends, my parents, my husband, myself so many times that I'm going to lose weight. I've told them my plan, I've written it down, I've paid someone to make me weigh myself in front of them, I know how to be a healthy person, but the DOING it so much harder for me than talking about it.
However, instead of saying "I want to lose X pounds" I've decided I'm going to set an athletic goal for myself. If I choose to eat chocolate cake & Cheetos, this will probably not bode well for me when I'm hoofing my big booty up a hill. But, I bet if I balance my meal with some veggies, protein, and enough water to keep myself hydrated, I'll feel a lot better when I do my training.
Some of you may be saying, "But you're a couch potato! Why would you go from sitting on your BUTT to undertaking such a BIG event instead of just trying to do a mile fun run?" I agree. I am being rather bold at attempting this....but I have to believe that I can do this. No matter if I do a fun run or attempt a 600 meter swim, 15 mile bike, and 5 K run...I know that every step I take is moving me further along the path to some of my goals.
I have days where I think, "Why am I telling people about this huge goal? What if I don't make it? What if I don't get up off my duff and start training?" But I have to. No matter if I tell people or not, I have to be responsible for my own health, my own happiness...not someone else. I have taken a first step and decided that I'm doing this. I've taken another step by checking out some library books about tri training.
I know at this point I don't look like much of an athlete. Believe me, I don't FEEL like much of an athlete much of the time. But I used to be one. I used to play soccer, softball, bike, walk, do tae kwon do. My athlete is just hiding right now. But I want to find her again.
A good friend told me that there are some people, no matter what their size or shape, that you can just SEE their amazing spirit. He told me I was one of these people whose spirit resonates with him. But he said, too, that he can see when my spirit is down-trodden, depressed, tired, uninspired. He told me I just need to dig deep and find inspiration, believe in myself, and that he trusts that I can make my goals and dreams a reality.
I think he's right. I think all of my friends and family that have given me inspiration are right. I can do whatever I want if I just try. Ironic that the name of the event I'm attempting is triathlon. Sure, tri is meaning three events, but I find it inspiring and ironic that I may soon be a tri-athlete....I will try to be an athlete....again.
Therefore, I've decided to set about making a list of goals for 2008. I'm not going to call them "New Years Goals" because I really want to focus on the entire year, not just the "new" part of it.
So, here is my list (thus far) of the goals I am setting out for myself for 2008.
1. Laugh more.
2. Complete a triathlon in June.
3. Drink more water.
4. Spend more time with people I love and people who love me.
5. Take more walks with my dog and just enjoy sharing this time with my beloved pet and fresh air.
6. Stop complaining about silly things.
7. Pray more.
8. Don't worry about things that I have no control over.
9. Read more books.
10. Spend less time watching television or surfing the web.
11. Knit more.
12. Use the St. Patrick's Day 5K as a mini-goal on my way to the triathlon.
13. Believe in myself.
14. Give more hugs to my husband.
15. Clean my house more often.
If you've "followed" my blog, you know I battle weight and food. I've told friends, my parents, my husband, myself so many times that I'm going to lose weight. I've told them my plan, I've written it down, I've paid someone to make me weigh myself in front of them, I know how to be a healthy person, but the DOING it so much harder for me than talking about it.
However, instead of saying "I want to lose X pounds" I've decided I'm going to set an athletic goal for myself. If I choose to eat chocolate cake & Cheetos, this will probably not bode well for me when I'm hoofing my big booty up a hill. But, I bet if I balance my meal with some veggies, protein, and enough water to keep myself hydrated, I'll feel a lot better when I do my training.
Some of you may be saying, "But you're a couch potato! Why would you go from sitting on your BUTT to undertaking such a BIG event instead of just trying to do a mile fun run?" I agree. I am being rather bold at attempting this....but I have to believe that I can do this. No matter if I do a fun run or attempt a 600 meter swim, 15 mile bike, and 5 K run...I know that every step I take is moving me further along the path to some of my goals.
I have days where I think, "Why am I telling people about this huge goal? What if I don't make it? What if I don't get up off my duff and start training?" But I have to. No matter if I tell people or not, I have to be responsible for my own health, my own happiness...not someone else. I have taken a first step and decided that I'm doing this. I've taken another step by checking out some library books about tri training.
I know at this point I don't look like much of an athlete. Believe me, I don't FEEL like much of an athlete much of the time. But I used to be one. I used to play soccer, softball, bike, walk, do tae kwon do. My athlete is just hiding right now. But I want to find her again.
A good friend told me that there are some people, no matter what their size or shape, that you can just SEE their amazing spirit. He told me I was one of these people whose spirit resonates with him. But he said, too, that he can see when my spirit is down-trodden, depressed, tired, uninspired. He told me I just need to dig deep and find inspiration, believe in myself, and that he trusts that I can make my goals and dreams a reality.
I think he's right. I think all of my friends and family that have given me inspiration are right. I can do whatever I want if I just try. Ironic that the name of the event I'm attempting is triathlon. Sure, tri is meaning three events, but I find it inspiring and ironic that I may soon be a tri-athlete....I will try to be an athlete....again.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Reflecting on Blessings
Well, 2007 was an interesting year. We've been through a lot, if you look over my last year of blogs, but it's been such a year of growth for us. Looking back, I realize that God places people in our lives to make us smile, to help us learn, to aid in our faith journey, and we have been blessed with so many wonderful friends, family members, and acquaintances who have made this past year a great one.
In January I had my first fondue dinner experience with my dear Lifer, Tiffany. Thank you, Tif, for the experience of amazing mushrooms dipped in Coq au Vin and raspberry martini glasses' white chocolate dipped rims. Delight.
In February, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary in a crazy steakhouse buffet somewhere in Kansas. We were spending time saying goodbye to Jake's dad before he headed to Iraq for a year. Driving around on base at Fort Riley brought back all of the memories of saying goodbye to Jake at Fort Hood 3 years prior. It amazed me how fresh those stinging memories felt.
In March, my friend Brian from high school came through our hometown with his traveling cast of Camelot. We sat way up in "the nosebleeds" but it was amazing to see him living his dreams on stage, especially for his hometown crowd. Later that evening as we danced to a jazz trio, I told him what an exciting life he must live compared to my boring, routine, secure life. He said something very important to me. He told me, "Em, we're both living our dreams....just in very different ways." And you know, he was right. He was always my friend who reminded me "Don't worry, be happy," when I got too down or serious.
In April, Jake left for 2 weeks of military training in Arkansas. I busied myself with blood donations, book clubs, dinner dates, and being my brother's biggest fan at his baseball games.
May brought a clear decision for us to pursue adoption. We had prayed and talked and cried and we believe God led us to this decision through many little "revelations" as the way to add to our family. We were embraced with nothing but care and support from our family and friends, and were and are so touched. My parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary by jumping on a cruise ship in Alaska and had a delightful time.
In June it was our turn to hop on a cruise ship, this time to celebrate our dear friends, Erin & Justin's wedding! My sister, Jake & I flew down to Tampa on a Saturday, spent time with aunt, uncle & cousin, then with our Florida friends. We had some great laughs, good Mexican food, and some happy birthday cake! The next day we were lucky enough to enjoy a day at Busch Gardens, thanks to their "Here's to the Heroes" program which allows military servicepeople & their families to enjoy a day at the park at no cost! We rode fantastic rides, saw fascinating animals, and had fun spending time together. The next day we were treated like VIPs as we were ushered onto the ship. Erin was a beautiful bride, and we are so thankful to the T family for allowing us to share in their joy (and their honeymoon cruise!). We enjoyed Cozumel & Grand Cayman, Jake's participation in the Fear Factor (Grand Champ!) and Hairy Chest contest (we were robbed!), delicious food, beautiful scenery, and hilarious new friends who shared the voyage with us. We have insisted that the T's have a "reunion" cruise in a few years, as we had such a great time!
In July Jake got his 3rd tattoo, an Austrian eagle similar to his dad's. My mom went to the tattoo parlor, too, and got her first ink in memory of her beloved running dog, Nike. Her brother, JB, got his 2nd. The family who tattoos together stays together?? I still have no ink. My mother in law thanks me for this. We decided on one of the hottest weekends of the year to undertake Porch Project 2007. As you can see from the album, it was a success, but not without the help of our dear families and friends who came out & helped us in the sweltering heat. We have lived in our house for two years, but nothing like an impending home study to light that fire under our butts to get some work done! We began the home study process with our delightful social worker, H, on the 18th, with a second visit on the 23rd.
In August, we took a mini-vacation to Wilmette, IL to visit relatives. We spent hours chatting and reading on the front porch, we splashed in the waters of Lake Michigan at the beach, and we shared delicious meals together. Later in the month, we got our first glimpse at the new police station, and the whole family got to have a first class tour, directed by our very own favorite police officer! We also finished our homestudy, and were officially approved and "waiting" on August 20th. Our "paper pregnancy" had begun.
September brought HOT weather. We longed for cooler temps, but there seemed no relief.
October celebrated my 26th birthday, we both participated in Christian Experience Weekends at our parish (as team members & behind the scenes helpers), and also began going to the 6 week Everyone's a Critic program at the Imax theater.
In November, mother in law & I visited soon to be sister in law & her mom and sister for some early wedding preparations. We look forward to celebrating their wedding in mid-October 2008. After much debate, prayer, and tears, Jake re-enlisted in the National Guard for 3 more years. I also visited my dear Lifer in the great Windy City for the lighting of the Magnificent Mile. We enjoyed hummus, Starbucks, Christmas windows, double decker train rides, Ikea, and a parade. I also finally met (in real life) a true kindred spirit, Joy, who shares a desire to adopt. We were both quite chatty (who me?!) and look forward to a visit in February! Our family shared Thanksgiving in Colorado this year, and it was so wonderful to see all of them. We made some wonderful memories, and Jake left the state with his 4th tattoo. We kept it a secret from his mom for a few weeks.
December brought holiday stress and bad weather (ice, snow, ice, ice, ice, ice, snow & ice, ice). My friend Pauly returned from Africa & his stint with the Peace Corps. I was delighted that, although he has learned new languages, grown and shared some wonderful experiences with people halfway across the world, he is still the "same old" Pauly we know and love. We celebrated soon to be sister in law's graduation, but we hate to see her & brother in law move to Phoenix at the end of January. D, dad & I sang & played for Christmas Eve Mass, and then shared a delicious meal at my parents' house Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
And last night, we rang in the New Year with tacos, friends & family, noisemakers, and birthday cake. It was a fun, festive time! My hubby surprised me by taking the night off and not telling me until the day of the festivities (how did he keep it a secret from me?!), so I had my favorite boy in the world to kiss at midnight.
Our wishes for this year are numerous. We pray God blesses our family with a baby, perhaps this year, but we know in his infinite wisdom and perfect timing, he will. We look forward to the return of Jake's dad from Iraq, our 4th anniversary, a trip to Chicago together to celebrate our love, meeting new friends, celebrating the births of so many friends' new babies and the adoption of new pets, deep dish pizza, beer, more tattoos, transforming our office/junk room into a delightful nursery, celebrating weddings of dear family members, celebrating annivesaries, good wine, new goals, healthier choices, attempting a triathlon, and much, much laughter and blessings.
We hope your new year is filled with joy, peace, and happiness.
In January I had my first fondue dinner experience with my dear Lifer, Tiffany. Thank you, Tif, for the experience of amazing mushrooms dipped in Coq au Vin and raspberry martini glasses' white chocolate dipped rims. Delight.
In February, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary in a crazy steakhouse buffet somewhere in Kansas. We were spending time saying goodbye to Jake's dad before he headed to Iraq for a year. Driving around on base at Fort Riley brought back all of the memories of saying goodbye to Jake at Fort Hood 3 years prior. It amazed me how fresh those stinging memories felt.
In March, my friend Brian from high school came through our hometown with his traveling cast of Camelot. We sat way up in "the nosebleeds" but it was amazing to see him living his dreams on stage, especially for his hometown crowd. Later that evening as we danced to a jazz trio, I told him what an exciting life he must live compared to my boring, routine, secure life. He said something very important to me. He told me, "Em, we're both living our dreams....just in very different ways." And you know, he was right. He was always my friend who reminded me "Don't worry, be happy," when I got too down or serious.
In April, Jake left for 2 weeks of military training in Arkansas. I busied myself with blood donations, book clubs, dinner dates, and being my brother's biggest fan at his baseball games.
May brought a clear decision for us to pursue adoption. We had prayed and talked and cried and we believe God led us to this decision through many little "revelations" as the way to add to our family. We were embraced with nothing but care and support from our family and friends, and were and are so touched. My parents celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary by jumping on a cruise ship in Alaska and had a delightful time.
In June it was our turn to hop on a cruise ship, this time to celebrate our dear friends, Erin & Justin's wedding! My sister, Jake & I flew down to Tampa on a Saturday, spent time with aunt, uncle & cousin, then with our Florida friends. We had some great laughs, good Mexican food, and some happy birthday cake! The next day we were lucky enough to enjoy a day at Busch Gardens, thanks to their "Here's to the Heroes" program which allows military servicepeople & their families to enjoy a day at the park at no cost! We rode fantastic rides, saw fascinating animals, and had fun spending time together. The next day we were treated like VIPs as we were ushered onto the ship. Erin was a beautiful bride, and we are so thankful to the T family for allowing us to share in their joy (and their honeymoon cruise!). We enjoyed Cozumel & Grand Cayman, Jake's participation in the Fear Factor (Grand Champ!) and Hairy Chest contest (we were robbed!), delicious food, beautiful scenery, and hilarious new friends who shared the voyage with us. We have insisted that the T's have a "reunion" cruise in a few years, as we had such a great time!
In July Jake got his 3rd tattoo, an Austrian eagle similar to his dad's. My mom went to the tattoo parlor, too, and got her first ink in memory of her beloved running dog, Nike. Her brother, JB, got his 2nd. The family who tattoos together stays together?? I still have no ink. My mother in law thanks me for this. We decided on one of the hottest weekends of the year to undertake Porch Project 2007. As you can see from the album, it was a success, but not without the help of our dear families and friends who came out & helped us in the sweltering heat. We have lived in our house for two years, but nothing like an impending home study to light that fire under our butts to get some work done! We began the home study process with our delightful social worker, H, on the 18th, with a second visit on the 23rd.
In August, we took a mini-vacation to Wilmette, IL to visit relatives. We spent hours chatting and reading on the front porch, we splashed in the waters of Lake Michigan at the beach, and we shared delicious meals together. Later in the month, we got our first glimpse at the new police station, and the whole family got to have a first class tour, directed by our very own favorite police officer! We also finished our homestudy, and were officially approved and "waiting" on August 20th. Our "paper pregnancy" had begun.
September brought HOT weather. We longed for cooler temps, but there seemed no relief.
October celebrated my 26th birthday, we both participated in Christian Experience Weekends at our parish (as team members & behind the scenes helpers), and also began going to the 6 week Everyone's a Critic program at the Imax theater.
In November, mother in law & I visited soon to be sister in law & her mom and sister for some early wedding preparations. We look forward to celebrating their wedding in mid-October 2008. After much debate, prayer, and tears, Jake re-enlisted in the National Guard for 3 more years. I also visited my dear Lifer in the great Windy City for the lighting of the Magnificent Mile. We enjoyed hummus, Starbucks, Christmas windows, double decker train rides, Ikea, and a parade. I also finally met (in real life) a true kindred spirit, Joy, who shares a desire to adopt. We were both quite chatty (who me?!) and look forward to a visit in February! Our family shared Thanksgiving in Colorado this year, and it was so wonderful to see all of them. We made some wonderful memories, and Jake left the state with his 4th tattoo. We kept it a secret from his mom for a few weeks.
December brought holiday stress and bad weather (ice, snow, ice, ice, ice, ice, snow & ice, ice). My friend Pauly returned from Africa & his stint with the Peace Corps. I was delighted that, although he has learned new languages, grown and shared some wonderful experiences with people halfway across the world, he is still the "same old" Pauly we know and love. We celebrated soon to be sister in law's graduation, but we hate to see her & brother in law move to Phoenix at the end of January. D, dad & I sang & played for Christmas Eve Mass, and then shared a delicious meal at my parents' house Christmas Eve and Christmas day.
And last night, we rang in the New Year with tacos, friends & family, noisemakers, and birthday cake. It was a fun, festive time! My hubby surprised me by taking the night off and not telling me until the day of the festivities (how did he keep it a secret from me?!), so I had my favorite boy in the world to kiss at midnight.
Our wishes for this year are numerous. We pray God blesses our family with a baby, perhaps this year, but we know in his infinite wisdom and perfect timing, he will. We look forward to the return of Jake's dad from Iraq, our 4th anniversary, a trip to Chicago together to celebrate our love, meeting new friends, celebrating the births of so many friends' new babies and the adoption of new pets, deep dish pizza, beer, more tattoos, transforming our office/junk room into a delightful nursery, celebrating weddings of dear family members, celebrating annivesaries, good wine, new goals, healthier choices, attempting a triathlon, and much, much laughter and blessings.
We hope your new year is filled with joy, peace, and happiness.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Whistle While You Work
I'm a whistler.
I don't recall when I learned to whistle, but I can remember that I attended overnight Girl Scout camp for 5 years, probably starting in 2nd grade. I know how to whistle the regular old way, by making your lips into an "O" shape, but I also made up this other way to whistle. It's hard to describe, and sounds similar, but basically I don't need to make the "O" shape with my lips. I can be smiling, or frowning, or have a blank look on my face. Oftentimes, I like to whistle this way because no one can tell I'm doing it! I remember being in the pool house at Girl Scout camp whistling like this, and one of the girls looked around and asked "Who's whistling?" I just gave her a blank look & shrugged my shoulders, all the while continuing on with my musical etude.
It would be really obvious and obtrusive of me to SING wherever I go. I constantly use Pandora.com while at work to listen to tunes, or pop in my own CDs. Somestimes I even wish my one mile "commute" to work was longer so I had more time to sing along in the car. I almost always have music on, or a song in my head. So, when I can't sing, I whistle.
People notice whistlers. Almost always if I'm in public, people make a comment on my whistling. Just today I stopped to grab one of those awful, rich pumpkin spice gas station cappucinos. I had just been listening to Susan Tedeschi singing Angel From Montgomery. The woman has PIPES. How can you NOT want to sing along with her...so as I got my sludge, I was whistling along. When I got up to the counter the girl said "You whistling. You must be happy." "Oh, I said...I was just listening to the most amazing woman...she has a set of PIPES." And I told her the song and artist. I don't know if she cared, but TRULY, this woman's music moves me, so I have to talk her up.
I guess it's not strange that people notice whistlers. I notice every little old man who whistles. Maybe you think he's annoying, bothersome, just making noise. I feel an instant bond to this little guy in suspenders with glasses and white fuzzy hair surrounding his balding head whistling his tune. I feel like "Well there's a kindred spirit." And I can understand that when the music gets in you, you just have to get it out sometimes.
My brother is the same way. He is like me when I was a kid...always making weird noises, coming up with rhymes, tapping on every surface like it's a drum...my parents used to call what I made "Garbage Noise." Now they tell him the same thing. He prefers the term "Musical Fusion." One of his favorite movies is School of Rock. My sister just told me yesterday that he wants a Led Zeppelin or AC/DC CD for Christmas. He's 12. I love him.
I don't recall when I learned to whistle, but I can remember that I attended overnight Girl Scout camp for 5 years, probably starting in 2nd grade. I know how to whistle the regular old way, by making your lips into an "O" shape, but I also made up this other way to whistle. It's hard to describe, and sounds similar, but basically I don't need to make the "O" shape with my lips. I can be smiling, or frowning, or have a blank look on my face. Oftentimes, I like to whistle this way because no one can tell I'm doing it! I remember being in the pool house at Girl Scout camp whistling like this, and one of the girls looked around and asked "Who's whistling?" I just gave her a blank look & shrugged my shoulders, all the while continuing on with my musical etude.
It would be really obvious and obtrusive of me to SING wherever I go. I constantly use Pandora.com while at work to listen to tunes, or pop in my own CDs. Somestimes I even wish my one mile "commute" to work was longer so I had more time to sing along in the car. I almost always have music on, or a song in my head. So, when I can't sing, I whistle.
People notice whistlers. Almost always if I'm in public, people make a comment on my whistling. Just today I stopped to grab one of those awful, rich pumpkin spice gas station cappucinos. I had just been listening to Susan Tedeschi singing Angel From Montgomery. The woman has PIPES. How can you NOT want to sing along with her...so as I got my sludge, I was whistling along. When I got up to the counter the girl said "You whistling. You must be happy." "Oh, I said...I was just listening to the most amazing woman...she has a set of PIPES." And I told her the song and artist. I don't know if she cared, but TRULY, this woman's music moves me, so I have to talk her up.
I guess it's not strange that people notice whistlers. I notice every little old man who whistles. Maybe you think he's annoying, bothersome, just making noise. I feel an instant bond to this little guy in suspenders with glasses and white fuzzy hair surrounding his balding head whistling his tune. I feel like "Well there's a kindred spirit." And I can understand that when the music gets in you, you just have to get it out sometimes.
My brother is the same way. He is like me when I was a kid...always making weird noises, coming up with rhymes, tapping on every surface like it's a drum...my parents used to call what I made "Garbage Noise." Now they tell him the same thing. He prefers the term "Musical Fusion." One of his favorite movies is School of Rock. My sister just told me yesterday that he wants a Led Zeppelin or AC/DC CD for Christmas. He's 12. I love him.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Frustration
So, it's been 4 months of paper pregnancy. Much like a real pregnancy, my weight has fluctuated...one of my friends told me it's the "adoption diet." My weight is not due to a baby growing inside of me, but a baby that is constantly on my mind, may or may not exist in this world yet, and stress. The holiday season doesn't help with ANY of this!
My thoughts swim with "our child" while we prepare for the Christmas season. We put up our nativity, and think about the wait that Mary and Joseph had as they made preparations for their miracle. Like Mary, I'm often frightened, excited, unsure, but hopeful. As we hung the lights and ornaments on the Christmas tree, I wondered, "Will there be a little one ‘helping’ next year? How many presents will fit under this tree?!"
We recently made a decision to attend an orientation session for foster and adoption through the state "system." At this time we don't know what this will mean for us, for our family, but it could be one more step in the direction to our child.
Just this week we inquired about a "waiting child." Waiting children are available for adoption, but are oftentimes somewhat more difficult to place. Some may be over age 8, or be a minority. Others may have a number of siblings that must be adopted with them, or have behavioral or emotional issues. Some have been removed from their homes because of abuse or neglect. Others’ parents may be incarcerated.
We contacted an agency who had listed “J,” a five year old little boy with a wide, toothy smile, short blonde hair, and described as “energetic, adventurous, and not afraid of anything.” After not having phone calls returned, and feeling like a voicemail stalker, I finally got through to someone. They told me that they are looking to place “J” in an adoptive home by February, and are currently lining up families to interview. But they were not sure if our current private home study would be accepted or if we would have to be foster licensed as well. She passed me along to a different phone number. The phone number they provided had been changed, and I was instructed to contact the case worker at a different number. After leaving a message on his answering machine and getting no answer, I voicemail stalked again. This time he answered. He gave me a few more details about “J,” but again I was passed off to someone else. Finally, when I reached the woman at the end of the line (thankfully she answered her phone after a few rings!) I was told that to be considered to adopt “J” we would have to be a licensed foster family. So, thanks but no thanks.
Now, as I told you, we attended the orientation session on Monday. Along with this orientation is a whole packet of paperwork, including another round of background checks (we just did this this summer for our private home study licensing) and fingerprinting. Of course, because of the holidays and the nature of these checks, it can take 4-6 weeks for background checks to come back. We’ve been told that we cannot start the 10 week, 30 hour required classes until our background checks come back clear, and the next sessions begin January 5. Since our paperwork won’t likely be approved by then, we won’t have an opportunity to start until April. I’ve contacted the right people, and our social worker has contacted people on our behalf, but as it stands, there is no way to go around this and we’ve been told “This is the system.”
It is SO frustrating to jump through hoops, spend countless conversations on the phone, dreaming and yearning about these children who just need to be loved and cared for and coming up against road block after road block. We’re not even “in the system” yet, and we’re frustrated. Perhaps this is God’s way of saying “This isn’t my plan for you.”
It is situations like this, and days like these, where I feel very tired and sad. Tired that we jump through hoops, get treated like criminals with interrogations about every aspect of our lives, and having to complete background checks about our history, and go on the roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. It makes me sad that we can’t just “make a baby” like so many others can do so simply and without thought. I don’t dream about pregnancy anymore. I don’t expect my period to be late. I don’t think anymore about the possibility of growing a baby inside of me. Until days like this. Have we given up too soon on fertility options? We CHOSE this path, because it felt like the perfect way for us to have a family. Most days I don’t mourn the fact that I will most likely never grow a baby inside of me. But today I do. Today I feel sad that this isn’t so easy for us. Today I feel angry at people who just take fertility for granted. And I’m angry at “the system” who claims they are doing what is best for children, but don’t allow for a simple thing like letting us start the classes prior to background checks (which were JUST done 4 months ago!) to come back clear. This is even more frustrating, because the social worker that would most likely be assigned to us, to begin an additional home study and all of that jazz, is the same social worker who just went through all of this with us 4 months ago!
I’ve spoken with Jake, our social worker, our moms, friends…and I know I need to pray about this…but right now it hurts, it’s frustrating, and I am feeling like throwing in the proverbial towel on trying to get licensed as a foster family. We are already licensed privately for domestic infant adoption…perhaps we just need to sit tight and wait patiently for God’s will to be done.
My thoughts swim with "our child" while we prepare for the Christmas season. We put up our nativity, and think about the wait that Mary and Joseph had as they made preparations for their miracle. Like Mary, I'm often frightened, excited, unsure, but hopeful. As we hung the lights and ornaments on the Christmas tree, I wondered, "Will there be a little one ‘helping’ next year? How many presents will fit under this tree?!"
We recently made a decision to attend an orientation session for foster and adoption through the state "system." At this time we don't know what this will mean for us, for our family, but it could be one more step in the direction to our child.
Just this week we inquired about a "waiting child." Waiting children are available for adoption, but are oftentimes somewhat more difficult to place. Some may be over age 8, or be a minority. Others may have a number of siblings that must be adopted with them, or have behavioral or emotional issues. Some have been removed from their homes because of abuse or neglect. Others’ parents may be incarcerated.
We contacted an agency who had listed “J,” a five year old little boy with a wide, toothy smile, short blonde hair, and described as “energetic, adventurous, and not afraid of anything.” After not having phone calls returned, and feeling like a voicemail stalker, I finally got through to someone. They told me that they are looking to place “J” in an adoptive home by February, and are currently lining up families to interview. But they were not sure if our current private home study would be accepted or if we would have to be foster licensed as well. She passed me along to a different phone number. The phone number they provided had been changed, and I was instructed to contact the case worker at a different number. After leaving a message on his answering machine and getting no answer, I voicemail stalked again. This time he answered. He gave me a few more details about “J,” but again I was passed off to someone else. Finally, when I reached the woman at the end of the line (thankfully she answered her phone after a few rings!) I was told that to be considered to adopt “J” we would have to be a licensed foster family. So, thanks but no thanks.
Now, as I told you, we attended the orientation session on Monday. Along with this orientation is a whole packet of paperwork, including another round of background checks (we just did this this summer for our private home study licensing) and fingerprinting. Of course, because of the holidays and the nature of these checks, it can take 4-6 weeks for background checks to come back. We’ve been told that we cannot start the 10 week, 30 hour required classes until our background checks come back clear, and the next sessions begin January 5. Since our paperwork won’t likely be approved by then, we won’t have an opportunity to start until April. I’ve contacted the right people, and our social worker has contacted people on our behalf, but as it stands, there is no way to go around this and we’ve been told “This is the system.”
It is SO frustrating to jump through hoops, spend countless conversations on the phone, dreaming and yearning about these children who just need to be loved and cared for and coming up against road block after road block. We’re not even “in the system” yet, and we’re frustrated. Perhaps this is God’s way of saying “This isn’t my plan for you.”
It is situations like this, and days like these, where I feel very tired and sad. Tired that we jump through hoops, get treated like criminals with interrogations about every aspect of our lives, and having to complete background checks about our history, and go on the roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. It makes me sad that we can’t just “make a baby” like so many others can do so simply and without thought. I don’t dream about pregnancy anymore. I don’t expect my period to be late. I don’t think anymore about the possibility of growing a baby inside of me. Until days like this. Have we given up too soon on fertility options? We CHOSE this path, because it felt like the perfect way for us to have a family. Most days I don’t mourn the fact that I will most likely never grow a baby inside of me. But today I do. Today I feel sad that this isn’t so easy for us. Today I feel angry at people who just take fertility for granted. And I’m angry at “the system” who claims they are doing what is best for children, but don’t allow for a simple thing like letting us start the classes prior to background checks (which were JUST done 4 months ago!) to come back clear. This is even more frustrating, because the social worker that would most likely be assigned to us, to begin an additional home study and all of that jazz, is the same social worker who just went through all of this with us 4 months ago!
I’ve spoken with Jake, our social worker, our moms, friends…and I know I need to pray about this…but right now it hurts, it’s frustrating, and I am feeling like throwing in the proverbial towel on trying to get licensed as a foster family. We are already licensed privately for domestic infant adoption…perhaps we just need to sit tight and wait patiently for God’s will to be done.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Three Is A Magic Number?
So on Monday we had been waiting 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days.
Do you remember the Schoolhouse Rock song called "Three Is A Magic Number?"
On Saturday around 10 AM, my mom called. She asked if I was sitting down. I said "No, why?" She said, "Sit down..."
So many thoughts were running through my head: Is it possible to expedite the state adoption licensing process if need be since we've already got an approved homestudy? Will we be driving a few hours drive to speak to someone? Will we be driving a few hours to be present for a birth & meet 3 little girls? Will we have a baby by Christmas? How will we handle 3 in diapers!? Jake & I kept looking at each other saying "3?! 3?!" How would we handle going from a family of 2 to a family of 5?!
How can you plan for, and think completely through the possibility without truly entertaining the idea enough to get your hopes up? Let me just say, it's almost impossible to do...or at least, I was not able to do it.
We didn't know much about this situation at all, and yet, still, I couldn't keep my mind off of it until I received a phone call back on Monday. All I had to go on was 3 little girls (2, 1 & an unborn?). When the woman returned my phone call and I tried to explain the situation to her so she'd know what I was talking about, she pretty much cut me off to tell me that they had already been placed...and in fact, were moving into a home that very day. "Oh....ok....thank you." And it was over.
This process is so unlike any other experience...and it can be such a roller coaster Those three little girls were never ours. We didn't know much about the situation, or even if it was situation we were interested in pursuing, but it still makes my heart hurt that we aren't bringing home a baby...or 3. Just because they weren't meant for us doesn't mean we don't care for their wellbeing and pray for their safety and happiness.
Do you remember the Schoolhouse Rock song called "Three Is A Magic Number?"
A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number.
We're still hoping and praying for our family of three.
On Saturday around 10 AM, my mom called. She asked if I was sitting down. I said "No, why?" She said, "Sit down..."
A woman, L, we've known for years through church & school called her. She wanted to call Friday night but it was too late & she didn't have my number so she called them. She says her future daughter in law's father, D, knows of a situation of 3 little girls, newborn, 1 & 2 who need to be placed before the end of the year or they will go to foster care. That is ALL she knows of the situation. I don't know how this man, D, is involved. I have his cell & work number & call both - left a message on the cell but it was a man robot answering system, so I have no idea if it's the right number. I call the work number & get an answering machine - he's an insurance agent, so I'm really unsure of how this guy is connected to the situation. I call Jake who is off helping his mom moves stuff & give him the story...then try & sit patiently. I can't, of course. So I call the cell again to ensure that I dialed the correct number. This time D answers....he says he was trying to get more info before he called back & that his cell was about to die. Of course it died in the course of him telling how he's involved in this situation. His sister's son recently adopted & they were called to see if they were interested in a few more children. They said they couldn't do it at this time...D said he was going to call his nephew & find out more info. He didn't call again until about 9:30 Saturday night. He didn't have much more info except that the babies are 2 & 1 (little girls) & an unborn baby due sometime next week! He believes they want to keep the 2 & 1 year old together, and possibly all 3. I know nothing about why these girls are being placed or anything about the situation. I DID leave a message for the contact that D gave me the number for.
So many thoughts were running through my head: Is it possible to expedite the state adoption licensing process if need be since we've already got an approved homestudy? Will we be driving a few hours drive to speak to someone? Will we be driving a few hours to be present for a birth & meet 3 little girls? Will we have a baby by Christmas? How will we handle 3 in diapers!? Jake & I kept looking at each other saying "3?! 3?!" How would we handle going from a family of 2 to a family of 5?!
How can you plan for, and think completely through the possibility without truly entertaining the idea enough to get your hopes up? Let me just say, it's almost impossible to do...or at least, I was not able to do it.
We didn't know much about this situation at all, and yet, still, I couldn't keep my mind off of it until I received a phone call back on Monday. All I had to go on was 3 little girls (2, 1 & an unborn?). When the woman returned my phone call and I tried to explain the situation to her so she'd know what I was talking about, she pretty much cut me off to tell me that they had already been placed...and in fact, were moving into a home that very day. "Oh....ok....thank you." And it was over.
Just as soon as we got a phone call telling us about a potential situation, we had a phone call ending it.
This process is so unlike any other experience...and it can be such a roller coaster Those three little girls were never ours. We didn't know much about the situation, or even if it was situation we were interested in pursuing, but it still makes my heart hurt that we aren't bringing home a baby...or 3. Just because they weren't meant for us doesn't mean we don't care for their wellbeing and pray for their safety and happiness.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
3 Month Update
Well, we're now over 3 months "paper pregnant with no due date" as my dear husband likes to tell people.
3 months is insignificant and significant at the same time. It is insignificant insofar as there is no magical way of telling how and when our baby will come to us. There is a misconception that domestic newborn adoption is always a long wait. This is not always so from the people I have met and talked to, although, years ago this may have been the case. It is significant, however, due to the fact that I can surmise a bit from our agency's statistics. At any one time they have 8 waiting families (who have been approved & have active profiles). On average, our agency places approximately 4 babies per year. Thus, we can assume our wait to be somewhere between 3 months and 2years.
Baby has been on my mind a lot lately. I haven't had any dreams about our child, but my mom has. In her dream, she was carrying a baby girl down our hallway. She laid the baby girl on our bed to change her diaper, and she remembers her having a "baby blowout" on the bedspread & telling sweet little girl, "Your mommy's going to be mad at us!" These words made my heart skip a beat. Not the poop part, but the mommy part.
My great-grandma is nearly 98 years old. I don't know what exactly to call this phenomenon, but she sometimes has dreams that then happen in real life. My mom and my sister have also experienced this occurrence. Could it be that the baby that will someday be in our arms will be a bouncing baby girl?
I've begun taking an unofficial "poll" of sorts. My best friend Tif thinks our baby will be a boy. My mom had the dream about a girl. Some days my heart is telling me boy, other days it's saying girl. Jake says he wants a boy, but have you seen this man with a girl? Lord, it simply melts my heart...Who am I kidding? Boys, girls…doesn’t matter…he looks adorable with either…or both! So, do you think we’ll have a boy baby or a girl baby? When do you think he/she might arrive?
To give you a bit of an update …I contacted our social worker to see if our profile has been presented to any expectant parents as of yet. She said we had been presented to a young expectant mother who is in her 7th month of pregnancy. We had not been identified by this woman as the family she preferred, and were told that she chose a family who already has one child. Her child and this couple’s child will have an age gap that is similar to that of her and her sibling, so she felt a connection to them. Additionally, her sibling is around my age, and the only feedback she provided about us was that we were “So young!”
Yes, it stings to think that we seemingly weren’t chosen because of our age. Some couples choose to go through years of fertility treatments, and then pursue adoption. That wasn’t us! We thought we were different! Yes, it feels crushing to think we tried to best show who we were through the painstaking hours of creating a profile with pictures and words and she STILL didn’t "like" us enough to choose us. Immediately upon receiving this news, I began second-guessing my choices of words and photos in our profile and thinking I may need to edit it or scrap the whole thing entirely. Perhaps I did accidentally let a rogue double chin picture into the book (GASP!). Perhaps she didn’t like my writing style or the fact that we have a large, black dog. But then I remembered…this book IS who we are…Yes, it hurts to know that we weren’t what she was looking for. But, the family she DID identify doesn’t sound like our demographics at all (she choose an older couple with a child already). I think many would assume that expectant moms are looking for young, childless couples when making a plan to place for adoption. I’m offering this example as insight, as a way to show that some preconceived notions about adoption, expectant parents, birthparents, and adoptive parents that you may have (and even I myself had!) are not always the case!
I know that someday we will get the call. Unlike many who ignore them, when my phone rings and it’s an unknown number, I pick that call up so fast! I’m always disappointed when it is a political candidate’s recorded message or the library telling me a book I requested is in. But I know someday it WILL be the call.
3 months is insignificant and significant at the same time. It is insignificant insofar as there is no magical way of telling how and when our baby will come to us. There is a misconception that domestic newborn adoption is always a long wait. This is not always so from the people I have met and talked to, although, years ago this may have been the case. It is significant, however, due to the fact that I can surmise a bit from our agency's statistics. At any one time they have 8 waiting families (who have been approved & have active profiles). On average, our agency places approximately 4 babies per year. Thus, we can assume our wait to be somewhere between 3 months and 2years.
Baby has been on my mind a lot lately. I haven't had any dreams about our child, but my mom has. In her dream, she was carrying a baby girl down our hallway. She laid the baby girl on our bed to change her diaper, and she remembers her having a "baby blowout" on the bedspread & telling sweet little girl, "Your mommy's going to be mad at us!" These words made my heart skip a beat. Not the poop part, but the mommy part.
My great-grandma is nearly 98 years old. I don't know what exactly to call this phenomenon, but she sometimes has dreams that then happen in real life. My mom and my sister have also experienced this occurrence. Could it be that the baby that will someday be in our arms will be a bouncing baby girl?
I've begun taking an unofficial "poll" of sorts. My best friend Tif thinks our baby will be a boy. My mom had the dream about a girl. Some days my heart is telling me boy, other days it's saying girl. Jake says he wants a boy, but have you seen this man with a girl? Lord, it simply melts my heart...Who am I kidding? Boys, girls…doesn’t matter…he looks adorable with either…or both! So, do you think we’ll have a boy baby or a girl baby? When do you think he/she might arrive?
To give you a bit of an update …I contacted our social worker to see if our profile has been presented to any expectant parents as of yet. She said we had been presented to a young expectant mother who is in her 7th month of pregnancy. We had not been identified by this woman as the family she preferred, and were told that she chose a family who already has one child. Her child and this couple’s child will have an age gap that is similar to that of her and her sibling, so she felt a connection to them. Additionally, her sibling is around my age, and the only feedback she provided about us was that we were “So young!”
Yes, it stings to think that we seemingly weren’t chosen because of our age. Some couples choose to go through years of fertility treatments, and then pursue adoption. That wasn’t us! We thought we were different! Yes, it feels crushing to think we tried to best show who we were through the painstaking hours of creating a profile with pictures and words and she STILL didn’t "like" us enough to choose us. Immediately upon receiving this news, I began second-guessing my choices of words and photos in our profile and thinking I may need to edit it or scrap the whole thing entirely. Perhaps I did accidentally let a rogue double chin picture into the book (GASP!). Perhaps she didn’t like my writing style or the fact that we have a large, black dog. But then I remembered…this book IS who we are…Yes, it hurts to know that we weren’t what she was looking for. But, the family she DID identify doesn’t sound like our demographics at all (she choose an older couple with a child already). I think many would assume that expectant moms are looking for young, childless couples when making a plan to place for adoption. I’m offering this example as insight, as a way to show that some preconceived notions about adoption, expectant parents, birthparents, and adoptive parents that you may have (and even I myself had!) are not always the case!
I know that someday we will get the call. Unlike many who ignore them, when my phone rings and it’s an unknown number, I pick that call up so fast! I’m always disappointed when it is a political candidate’s recorded message or the library telling me a book I requested is in. But I know someday it WILL be the call.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
10 Years
10 years ago I started on the most wonderful adventure of my life...10 years ago at 9:37 PM (yes, I remember the exact time because I wrote it down!), I said "Yes" when Jake asked if I'd "go out with" him. A mere 4 days after meeting this young man who was so polite and respectful, I said yes to more than I ever could have imagined.
I said yes to happiness beyond measure, but not without some heartache, too.
I said yes to loving unconditionally.
I said yes to learning what it means to truly share, and I'm still learning every day.
I said yes to growing up.
I said yes to the best friend I could ever have.
I said yes to hard work.
I said yes to hilarious fun.
I said yes to facing tragedy together, and not alone.
I said yes to growing in my faith.
I said yes to experiencing love in new ways.
I said yes to the adventure of a lifetime with the love of a lifetime, and I'm SO happy did.
I can't believe it's been 10 years. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, has been worth it.
I said yes to happiness beyond measure, but not without some heartache, too.
I said yes to loving unconditionally.
I said yes to learning what it means to truly share, and I'm still learning every day.
I said yes to growing up.
I said yes to the best friend I could ever have.
I said yes to hard work.
I said yes to hilarious fun.
I said yes to facing tragedy together, and not alone.
I said yes to growing in my faith.
I said yes to experiencing love in new ways.
I said yes to the adventure of a lifetime with the love of a lifetime, and I'm SO happy did.
I can't believe it's been 10 years. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, has been worth it.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
My Husband's Best Veteran's Day
Some family friends of ours who are involved in a local Vietnam Veterans chapter organized a "Welcome Home" party to celebrate veterans and thank them. This was the 2nd annual, and there is a great band that plays 50's & 60's songs, the Mexican American Vets Association makes amazing tacos, and it's a very fun event.
This past weekend, we had a wedding to go to first, and Jake wasn't sure we'd have time to go to the Welcome Home party because it was his early night in to work. I told him we should still go - he should change his clothes into his work clothes & we'd just take two cars. So we headed off.
This year they honored a local man who is a medal of honor recipient, Sgt. John Baker (then Pfc.). What he did was nothing short of amazing. He is a TRUE American hero. There are only a few more than 100 of these men living. Many of the recipients of the Medal of Honor are awarded posthumously.
My heart leaped out of my chest when I got to watch my husband shake hands with this man. I know how proud he was to have even met & shaken hands with this man. He was smiling ear to ear and when we stepped away he was shaking with excitement and said he had goosebumps. A few minutes later, one of our family friends took us back over to Sgt. Baker. I watched as Jake interacted with him....and then....Sgt. Baker reached into his pocket & shook Jake's hand, and as he did so, he passed Jake one of his Medal of Honor "coins."
For those of you not in the military, here is some history. It's part of a "game" where there is always a challenge to "trump" each other's coins...coins are awarded for different reasons, but as I understand, a Medal of Honor coin "trumps" ALL. It's a huge honor to receive one of these coins, and I am not sure of this, but I believe that people like Sgt. Baker has a limited number of these coins to hand out over his lifetime. After Jake was given this coin, he was even MORE thrilled. He had to turn away because he had tears in his eyes!
What a memorable Veterans Day experience for Jake! I think I got to experience him having one of the best moments of his life!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
For the Record
I am completely & utterly in love with my husband. And in case I haven't been clear in previous blogs, I want to show you how proud I am of him.
Yes, I whine about his man-isms (you know those lovely things that most wives complain to other women about because it seems like EVERY man in the world does them-i.e. never replacing the toilet paper roll, not putting socks into the hamper but around it?). Yes, sometimes he drives me nuts (those same things that seemed to endear him to me years ago can become such a turn-off after 10 years!). Yes, occasionally I wish that I had a magic wand to wave above his head to change some of his bad habits (but he probably wishes all of these things for me, too!).
Yes, I whine about his man-isms (you know those lovely things that most wives complain to other women about because it seems like EVERY man in the world does them-i.e. never replacing the toilet paper roll, not putting socks into the hamper but around it?). Yes, sometimes he drives me nuts (those same things that seemed to endear him to me years ago can become such a turn-off after 10 years!). Yes, occasionally I wish that I had a magic wand to wave above his head to change some of his bad habits (but he probably wishes all of these things for me, too!).
Here he is...in all his glory. My crazy love of my life. What, is he doing, you may ask?
On Saturday, November 3rd, my hero re-enlisted for 3 more years in the Army National Guard. He, being a combat engineer, decided that he should make the Colonel climb close to the top of the Jacob's Ladder obstacle to do his swearing in. He is on the left, and he is VERY high up (it makes me a little nervous just to look at the picture..."Hold on with both hands!" I want to yell!)
I know there have been many prayers pouring out for us. We greatly appreciate it and have felt your prayers at work in our hearts & in our home. I feel much better now knowing that there is no ambiguity about the decision. The decision is made and I am at peace with it. I am proud of my hubby. He's my best husband EVER. I will always be proud of him. I will always love him. And I will always brag about him....even if I complain about him in the next breath. :)
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Tag! I'm IT!
My friends, Anita & Angie have tagged me.
Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
1. I have notebooks & notebooks filled with (mostly unfinished) stories. I used to want to be an author & illustrator of children's fictional books when I was younger. I also used to write poetry, but haven't in years.
2. Until I was probably a freshman in high school, I did not know that the movie Mary Poppins ended with the song Let's Go Fly a Kite. My parents had taped it for us off of the Sunday evening Wonderful World of Disney, and our tape ran out at the point where the scary bank men are chasing the children.
3. I can play the flute, piccolo, alto & tenor saxophones. I have always wished I could play the piano & violin, though. I was a vocal music All Stater in 1999.
4. I think I like airports so much because you can make up all sorts of delicious stories about who a person is & where they are going. These guesses are probably completely wrong & not as dramatic as I hope, but many emotional times are had in airports & I am a feeler.
5. I am the world's worst house keeper. I truly have no ambition most days to create a clean house. I would prefer to stick "Get Well Soon" cards up on my mantle & let people think I've been sick & unable to clean, rather than to ACTUALLY clean. I like the "easy way out" of a lot of things. I don't care how spoiled I sound, but TRULY, life would be better with a maid.
6. I love sending cards & notes to people when they don't expect it. Getting bills out of the mailbox can be so tiresome. Brightening someone's day in just a little way like this makes me smile, even if I can't see their face when they open the card.
7. I don't understand designer anything. I especially don't understand things like designer accessories. Why would I prefer to spend over $100.00 on a pair of sunglasses that will probably get sat upon or lost when I could buy a perfectly just as good gas station pair for $5.00? Then, when they get sat upon or lost, I can buy 19 MORE pairs for the same amount of money I'd spend on just ONE pair.
8. Somedays I miss college A LOT. Like miss it so much that I'd even want to be back in the dorms, eating dorm food, walking to class, reading, learning, etc. I miss so many things about college...but I know if I went back now, it wouldn't be the same. Nothing about it would be the same. But I still miss it.
Ok, to the evil part...I tag: Heather, Tesi, Jennifer, Julie, Rachel, Mandy, Amber, & Brian.
Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.
1. I have notebooks & notebooks filled with (mostly unfinished) stories. I used to want to be an author & illustrator of children's fictional books when I was younger. I also used to write poetry, but haven't in years.
2. Until I was probably a freshman in high school, I did not know that the movie Mary Poppins ended with the song Let's Go Fly a Kite. My parents had taped it for us off of the Sunday evening Wonderful World of Disney, and our tape ran out at the point where the scary bank men are chasing the children.
3. I can play the flute, piccolo, alto & tenor saxophones. I have always wished I could play the piano & violin, though. I was a vocal music All Stater in 1999.
4. I think I like airports so much because you can make up all sorts of delicious stories about who a person is & where they are going. These guesses are probably completely wrong & not as dramatic as I hope, but many emotional times are had in airports & I am a feeler.
5. I am the world's worst house keeper. I truly have no ambition most days to create a clean house. I would prefer to stick "Get Well Soon" cards up on my mantle & let people think I've been sick & unable to clean, rather than to ACTUALLY clean. I like the "easy way out" of a lot of things. I don't care how spoiled I sound, but TRULY, life would be better with a maid.
6. I love sending cards & notes to people when they don't expect it. Getting bills out of the mailbox can be so tiresome. Brightening someone's day in just a little way like this makes me smile, even if I can't see their face when they open the card.
7. I don't understand designer anything. I especially don't understand things like designer accessories. Why would I prefer to spend over $100.00 on a pair of sunglasses that will probably get sat upon or lost when I could buy a perfectly just as good gas station pair for $5.00? Then, when they get sat upon or lost, I can buy 19 MORE pairs for the same amount of money I'd spend on just ONE pair.
8. Somedays I miss college A LOT. Like miss it so much that I'd even want to be back in the dorms, eating dorm food, walking to class, reading, learning, etc. I miss so many things about college...but I know if I went back now, it wouldn't be the same. Nothing about it would be the same. But I still miss it.
Ok, to the evil part...I tag: Heather, Tesi, Jennifer, Julie, Rachel, Mandy, Amber, & Brian.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Every Blessing & Curse Is a Choice
It's been a rough time lately. I'm scared of the possibility of deployment & scared of what's going on with me. I'm feeling myself beginning to get depressed again..the way I was when Jake was overseas. Happy & together in public, falling apart and a tearful mess in private. It seems that when I start to hurt, I go into hibernation mode. I don't eat or I eat a ton...I want to stay in bed, don't want to get up, or when I do, I want to crawl back into bed. I take what people say or don't say so personally. I want so badly to reach out & hug the love of my life back, but instead I don't. I want to look at him, but I look away instead. I want him to hold me, instead, I push him away to guard my heart, all the while knowing it is ridiculous, stupid, hurtful, and not good in any way. And I don't ask for help.
I know I need to stop this...it just seems an overwhelming task to rethink this. I have been seeing this issue as a big black cloud looming over our heads and I thought I was going to be free of it. Instead it is on our doorstep again. The whole time we were actively trying to get pregnant, I had November 2007 as the "goal" date to be pregnant by. I felt like Jake might change his mind about re-enlisting if there was a baby here to change his mind. I thought "If I am not enough for him to stay, then maybe a baby would be." Yes, this is probably warped thinking. My husband is not choosing to "leave" me. He is not choosing the military "over" me. He knows how much pain the deployment caused me. And yet, still, this is his choice. This is not an either or for him. This is not a best of both worlds. This decision is what he feels he has been called to do. What his purpose on this earth is. If you know him, you understand. It just cuts so deeply that as this decision is made, my body reminds me "There is no baby in your womb." It's like a slap in the face.
I got in my car this morning & and my radio was tuned to K-Love, where it seems to always be lately. The song The Blessing by John Waller was playing. I listened, but I didn't want to hear. And yet, still, I know God was reaching out to me.
"This day
You set life, you set death right before us
This day
Every blessing & curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life..."
I said inside my head "OK, God...got the message...thanks." and I was angry.
Then I got to work & decided to open the daily devotional in my email. I don't always read them, but today I felt compelled. It was about TRUST. The words that struck me said, "In the rush of it all we sometimes fail to notice the seeds of change within ourselves. It is wise to stop and ask, "Am I growing or eroding in who I am becoming?" A wise woman grows in becoming trustworthy..." Again, I felt like, "I hear you God, but I don't want to listen right now..." or maybe I was listening, but I just didn't know what to do or where to go. It seems so much easier to just embrace my pain, anger, bitterness, than to let go of it, trust, and put God in control.
There have been many prayers sent up for us lately. Friends who know and love us, friends who have never met us, even friends who don't pray, praying for us and for our peace. One of my dear friends told me today:
I feel that the baby is coming after this re-enlist date because the baby can't be a fix or a reason. Jake had to make this decision without your baby in your arms yet. Maybe that is his walk of faith, trust in the Lord. If you truly believe that you will be parents in the near future than he has to make the decision to sign knowing that he may have to leave you and child behind if he gets called up. Trust and faith is everywhere!
She spoke of a card she wanted to send me, with two birds soaring on the front with the word: Journeys.....
Inside it says:
To love someone is to stay close enough to touch,
leaving space enough to grow.
She continued with: Touch your husband and embrace his love, even if you have to fake it until you feel it. You are giving him space to grow and be who he is ment to be! What a blessing and gift you are in his life!
I cried. Hard.
After work today, Jake & I drove to the library to return a CD & took the pup with us. We decided to take a nice walk on a beautiful day along the bike path. We were surrounded by God's beauty...the cool weather, the changing, crunching leaves, holding hands...
And finally, All Saints Day Mass. The Gospel was The Beatitudes. Blessed are the peacemakers....for they shall be called children of God. And we sang Be Not Afraid.
You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands, and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live...
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters, in the sea you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the power of hell, and death is at your side,
know that I am with you through it all.
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me,
Blessed, blessed are you...
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
I cried. And the load I had been carrying, didn't seem so heavy anymore. The friends, the prayers, the songs, the words, the love of my life, the beautiful day.
I can do this. I can get through this. I am blessed.
I know I need to stop this...it just seems an overwhelming task to rethink this. I have been seeing this issue as a big black cloud looming over our heads and I thought I was going to be free of it. Instead it is on our doorstep again. The whole time we were actively trying to get pregnant, I had November 2007 as the "goal" date to be pregnant by. I felt like Jake might change his mind about re-enlisting if there was a baby here to change his mind. I thought "If I am not enough for him to stay, then maybe a baby would be." Yes, this is probably warped thinking. My husband is not choosing to "leave" me. He is not choosing the military "over" me. He knows how much pain the deployment caused me. And yet, still, this is his choice. This is not an either or for him. This is not a best of both worlds. This decision is what he feels he has been called to do. What his purpose on this earth is. If you know him, you understand. It just cuts so deeply that as this decision is made, my body reminds me "There is no baby in your womb." It's like a slap in the face.
I got in my car this morning & and my radio was tuned to K-Love, where it seems to always be lately. The song The Blessing by John Waller was playing. I listened, but I didn't want to hear. And yet, still, I know God was reaching out to me.
"This day
You set life, you set death right before us
This day
Every blessing & curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life..."
I said inside my head "OK, God...got the message...thanks." and I was angry.
Then I got to work & decided to open the daily devotional in my email. I don't always read them, but today I felt compelled. It was about TRUST. The words that struck me said, "In the rush of it all we sometimes fail to notice the seeds of change within ourselves. It is wise to stop and ask, "Am I growing or eroding in who I am becoming?" A wise woman grows in becoming trustworthy..." Again, I felt like, "I hear you God, but I don't want to listen right now..." or maybe I was listening, but I just didn't know what to do or where to go. It seems so much easier to just embrace my pain, anger, bitterness, than to let go of it, trust, and put God in control.
There have been many prayers sent up for us lately. Friends who know and love us, friends who have never met us, even friends who don't pray, praying for us and for our peace. One of my dear friends told me today:
I feel that the baby is coming after this re-enlist date because the baby can't be a fix or a reason. Jake had to make this decision without your baby in your arms yet. Maybe that is his walk of faith, trust in the Lord. If you truly believe that you will be parents in the near future than he has to make the decision to sign knowing that he may have to leave you and child behind if he gets called up. Trust and faith is everywhere!
She spoke of a card she wanted to send me, with two birds soaring on the front with the word: Journeys.....
Inside it says:
To love someone is to stay close enough to touch,
leaving space enough to grow.
She continued with: Touch your husband and embrace his love, even if you have to fake it until you feel it. You are giving him space to grow and be who he is ment to be! What a blessing and gift you are in his life!
I cried. Hard.
After work today, Jake & I drove to the library to return a CD & took the pup with us. We decided to take a nice walk on a beautiful day along the bike path. We were surrounded by God's beauty...the cool weather, the changing, crunching leaves, holding hands...
And finally, All Saints Day Mass. The Gospel was The Beatitudes. Blessed are the peacemakers....for they shall be called children of God. And we sang Be Not Afraid.
You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands, and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live...
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
If you pass through raging waters, in the sea you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the power of hell, and death is at your side,
know that I am with you through it all.
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me,
Blessed, blessed are you...
Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.
I cried. And the load I had been carrying, didn't seem so heavy anymore. The friends, the prayers, the songs, the words, the love of my life, the beautiful day.
I can do this. I can get through this. I am blessed.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
What I've Got
I am terrified. Terrified of losing what I’ve got.
I have many nice “things” in my life. A beautiful, brick home. A job that makes me happy. A fabulous, red vehicle that gets me where I need to go on a daily basis. Money in my bank accounts. A church where I feel at home. Food in my cupboards and in my belly.
But these things are all just THINGS. I could live with or without them. In all essence, they mean nothing to me.
Let me tell what I’ve TRULY got.
I have an amazingly loving, loyal, dedicated husband. He’s funny, faithful, and kind. He is seriously the most handsome man I’ve ever met. He loves motorcycles, martial arts, and “kill ‘em up, shoot ‘em up” movies. He’s a “boob man.” He’ll go to a movie by himself on the first day it comes out in the theater just because he loves films so much. He can’t keep surprises. He drools over gun and ammunition catalogs. He loves to watch the Bears & screams at the TV as if they can hear him critiquing their messy plays and horrible passes. He’s easily side-tracked. He loves ice cream and peanut butter, separately and together. He always stands at attention when the National Anthem plays, and he reminds people around them to take off their hats to show respect. He loves a good German beer, but a cold Bud Light will do him just fine, too. He enjoys “angry” music, but he’ll listen to country, Christian, Rock…anything he can sing along to. And he has a wonderful voice, even though he’ll deny that to his dying day. He gets super excited when I cook good food. When he especially likes the way something tastes, he’ll want you to have some, too. He doesn’t understand why people clapped for him when he walked through an airport with his uniform on because he feels he did “nothing special.” He adores dogs and babies. He can be so gentle and nurturing. His cheeks are always rosy & his long eyelashes can melt you. He’ll admittedly tell you that he can’t put an outfit together to save his life, so it’s a good thing he wears a uniform most of the time. He wants to make a difference in the world, by making himself a better person, and by helping others make better decisions. He’s passionate about what he loves. And he’d die for what he loves…his family & his country.
On top of all of that, he loves me. HE. LOVES. Me. He LOVES me just for being my rotten self. He doesn’t care that I have gained weight, or that I am neurotic about silly things, or change my hair color too much. He puts up with my messiness and my bossiness. He endures my side-seat driving and my innumerable questions. Why? Some days I still think to myself, “What have I done to deserve such an amazing man who loves me so much?”
One can only speculate. :)
I never want to lose the feeling of someone loving me unconditionally for me and all of me. I always want his hugs, his laugh, his smile, his kisses. I want his arms to hold me forever, his fingers to run through my hair, and even just his company to walk the dog or watch a movie together. I miss him when he’s not with me…even if it’s just when I go to work, or he’s out of town for a week. I feel like even when I am old & gray that I will STILL feel like I haven’t got enough time in this life to be with this man. My heart truly ached while he was overseas. My chest literally hurt with love and pain. I would not wish that hurt upon anyone…and the ache is seeping back again.
Jake will sign papers again on Friday to re-enlist.
I have many nice “things” in my life. A beautiful, brick home. A job that makes me happy. A fabulous, red vehicle that gets me where I need to go on a daily basis. Money in my bank accounts. A church where I feel at home. Food in my cupboards and in my belly.
But these things are all just THINGS. I could live with or without them. In all essence, they mean nothing to me.
Let me tell what I’ve TRULY got.
I have an amazingly loving, loyal, dedicated husband. He’s funny, faithful, and kind. He is seriously the most handsome man I’ve ever met. He loves motorcycles, martial arts, and “kill ‘em up, shoot ‘em up” movies. He’s a “boob man.” He’ll go to a movie by himself on the first day it comes out in the theater just because he loves films so much. He can’t keep surprises. He drools over gun and ammunition catalogs. He loves to watch the Bears & screams at the TV as if they can hear him critiquing their messy plays and horrible passes. He’s easily side-tracked. He loves ice cream and peanut butter, separately and together. He always stands at attention when the National Anthem plays, and he reminds people around them to take off their hats to show respect. He loves a good German beer, but a cold Bud Light will do him just fine, too. He enjoys “angry” music, but he’ll listen to country, Christian, Rock…anything he can sing along to. And he has a wonderful voice, even though he’ll deny that to his dying day. He gets super excited when I cook good food. When he especially likes the way something tastes, he’ll want you to have some, too. He doesn’t understand why people clapped for him when he walked through an airport with his uniform on because he feels he did “nothing special.” He adores dogs and babies. He can be so gentle and nurturing. His cheeks are always rosy & his long eyelashes can melt you. He’ll admittedly tell you that he can’t put an outfit together to save his life, so it’s a good thing he wears a uniform most of the time. He wants to make a difference in the world, by making himself a better person, and by helping others make better decisions. He’s passionate about what he loves. And he’d die for what he loves…his family & his country.
On top of all of that, he loves me. HE. LOVES. Me. He LOVES me just for being my rotten self. He doesn’t care that I have gained weight, or that I am neurotic about silly things, or change my hair color too much. He puts up with my messiness and my bossiness. He endures my side-seat driving and my innumerable questions. Why? Some days I still think to myself, “What have I done to deserve such an amazing man who loves me so much?”
One can only speculate. :)
I never want to lose the feeling of someone loving me unconditionally for me and all of me. I always want his hugs, his laugh, his smile, his kisses. I want his arms to hold me forever, his fingers to run through my hair, and even just his company to walk the dog or watch a movie together. I miss him when he’s not with me…even if it’s just when I go to work, or he’s out of town for a week. I feel like even when I am old & gray that I will STILL feel like I haven’t got enough time in this life to be with this man. My heart truly ached while he was overseas. My chest literally hurt with love and pain. I would not wish that hurt upon anyone…and the ache is seeping back again.
Jake will sign papers again on Friday to re-enlist.
Friday, October 26, 2007
A Lesson in Etiquette & Proper Adoption Language
I recently shared our "good news" with an office that I deal with on a regular basis at work. The conversation went like this:
Me: I just wanted you ladies to know what's going on with Jake & I (*Big smile*)...
Lady 1: You're pregnant?!
Me: Well....paper pregnant & waiting for 2 months now! We're adopting!
Lady 1: Oh that's nice.
Lady 2: Good for you!
Lady 1: So....is someone getting inseminated?
Me: *Shocked silence* (What did she just say?) Um....no.....we're looking to adopt a newborn from someone who wants to place their child for adoption.
Lady 1: Oh...so what's wrong with the baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 1: I mean, are the mom's druggies or why are they giving up their baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 2: *Wheels around in her computer chair to give coworker death glare/aka shocked look like "Oh I KNOW you did not just say that...."
Me: Nothing is WRONG with the women OR the babies...
Lady 2: That's really great for you guys....
Lady 1: So can you not get pregnant?
Lady 2: *Wheels around again to give coworker another shocked look, which is promptly ignored*
Me: *Shocked silence* (Why is she still talking?) We're adopting & we're really happy about that.
Lady 2: Good for you two!
Me: Well, just wanted to let you know our happy news! (Perhaps I shouldn't have shared our "happy news" with you....)
It still shocks me how ignorant some people are. Yes, I have chosen to share my "good news" with you, but that does not give you the right to a) make me feel like my choice to adopt is not "as good" as being pregnant, b) ask me personal questions about what possibly lead us to adopt, and c) assume that my child and his/her first mother has a "problem."
These myths that this woman was drawing her conclusions upon perpetuate a stigma about adoption that is highly untrue, unfair, and uneducated. I wish I could give everyone a guidebook to what the process entails, let them meet some of these amazingly selfless and courageous women who make plans of adoption, and a way to show them how insensitive some of their comments and questions can be.
This is something I found on my friend Joy's blog...I think it's important to share with as many people as possible, so that they might be educated.
Definitions:
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
I came across the following excerpt that explains appropriate adoption language. I have found this to be helpful in educating others and ourselves.
Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Me: I just wanted you ladies to know what's going on with Jake & I (*Big smile*)...
Lady 1: You're pregnant?!
Me: Well....paper pregnant & waiting for 2 months now! We're adopting!
Lady 1: Oh that's nice.
Lady 2: Good for you!
Lady 1: So....is someone getting inseminated?
Me: *Shocked silence* (What did she just say?) Um....no.....we're looking to adopt a newborn from someone who wants to place their child for adoption.
Lady 1: Oh...so what's wrong with the baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 1: I mean, are the mom's druggies or why are they giving up their baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 2: *Wheels around in her computer chair to give coworker death glare/aka shocked look like "Oh I KNOW you did not just say that...."
Me: Nothing is WRONG with the women OR the babies...
Lady 2: That's really great for you guys....
Lady 1: So can you not get pregnant?
Lady 2: *Wheels around again to give coworker another shocked look, which is promptly ignored*
Me: *Shocked silence* (Why is she still talking?) We're adopting & we're really happy about that.
Lady 2: Good for you two!
Me: Well, just wanted to let you know our happy news! (Perhaps I shouldn't have shared our "happy news" with you....)
It still shocks me how ignorant some people are. Yes, I have chosen to share my "good news" with you, but that does not give you the right to a) make me feel like my choice to adopt is not "as good" as being pregnant, b) ask me personal questions about what possibly lead us to adopt, and c) assume that my child and his/her first mother has a "problem."
These myths that this woman was drawing her conclusions upon perpetuate a stigma about adoption that is highly untrue, unfair, and uneducated. I wish I could give everyone a guidebook to what the process entails, let them meet some of these amazingly selfless and courageous women who make plans of adoption, and a way to show them how insensitive some of their comments and questions can be.
This is something I found on my friend Joy's blog...I think it's important to share with as many people as possible, so that they might be educated.
Definitions:
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD
I came across the following excerpt that explains appropriate adoption language. I have found this to be helpful in educating others and ourselves.
Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.
Here are some points to remember:
*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.
*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).
*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.
Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.
Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Exposure
Sorry for the lapse in posts...you've probably wondering what we've been up to...
I've been meaning to get on here & tell you what's been going on, but it's been a really busy few weeks, and there is not too much to report.
We recently made the decision to put an ad in our local Catholic newspaper about our intentions to adopt. As far as I know, it has yielded no results as of yet, and I am using much of my energy to withhold sending emails to our social worker and attorney to ask them if they've had any inquiries.
We've officially been waiting as "Paper Pregnant with no due date" for 2 months, one week, and one day now. Some days are easy, others are very difficult. There are a lot of things on our minds and our hearts lately...some of which are adoption related, others not. I have to keep reminding myself that we just need to take one day at a time, and that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of much of the circumstances in my life or our collective lives.
After placing the ad in the newspaper, we were contacted by one of their reporters. She wanted to do a story on how we met, as the youth conference we met at is being held next month and it will be our 10 year anniversary of meeting & beginning our relationship. We said we'd be happy to give her an interview, and we met with her in our home on Monday evening to "tell our story." I can only hope that it will be seen as a testimony of God's amazing power to bring two people together to love each other through all of life's ups and downs.
Keep praying for all of the women in the world whose hearts are heavy with difficult pregnancy decisions. We appreciate all of your prayers for us, for expectant families, and for the child who we will someday call our own.
I've been meaning to get on here & tell you what's been going on, but it's been a really busy few weeks, and there is not too much to report.
We recently made the decision to put an ad in our local Catholic newspaper about our intentions to adopt. As far as I know, it has yielded no results as of yet, and I am using much of my energy to withhold sending emails to our social worker and attorney to ask them if they've had any inquiries.
We've officially been waiting as "Paper Pregnant with no due date" for 2 months, one week, and one day now. Some days are easy, others are very difficult. There are a lot of things on our minds and our hearts lately...some of which are adoption related, others not. I have to keep reminding myself that we just need to take one day at a time, and that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of much of the circumstances in my life or our collective lives.
After placing the ad in the newspaper, we were contacted by one of their reporters. She wanted to do a story on how we met, as the youth conference we met at is being held next month and it will be our 10 year anniversary of meeting & beginning our relationship. We said we'd be happy to give her an interview, and we met with her in our home on Monday evening to "tell our story." I can only hope that it will be seen as a testimony of God's amazing power to bring two people together to love each other through all of life's ups and downs.
Keep praying for all of the women in the world whose hearts are heavy with difficult pregnancy decisions. We appreciate all of your prayers for us, for expectant families, and for the child who we will someday call our own.
Monday, October 08, 2007
A Very Merry Birthday
Today I turned 26. It was a lot less emotionally painful than 25, although I woke up with back pain...I'm praying it's not age related, and I know I should just go visit my amazing chiro & stop being so stressed out!
My dear hubby hooked up a wireless router in our home, so we can now begin transforming the office into the nursery! And then he left a cute little bamboo plant and an amazingly sweet card on the kitchen table. In the card he wrote: "As the bamboo plant grows, so will our love continue to grow. Bamboo is one of the strongest plants in nature, and our love is strong, too." *SIGH* Such a sweet hubby....he seriously makes my heart flutter still...However, just a few problems...
1. I don't have a green thumb...I have a BLACK thumb. He knows this. Perhaps this is a test?
2. I have successfully killed every plant I've ever been given, including an aloe & a cactus. That's a wretched record. (sidenote: I DO keep other living things alive quite well...such as, my dog, my husband, and my wonderful late Wal-Mart beta fish, Bigg Redd Maxx, who was with me during the most difficult time of my life.)
3. I am now feeling a bit of pressure to keep this bamboo plant alive..I mean, really, how awful would it be to think "What's the opposite of watching the bamboo plant & our love grow?...Yeesh.... No presure!"
I made myself Caramel Apple Cupcakes for a birthday snack - they are just as delicious as I remember them being! Overall it's been a very happy birthday! Thanks for your well wishes, your hugs, gifts, and friendship...it means so much!
Have a Caramel Apple Cupcake to celebrate!
Emily's Amazing Caramel Apple Muffins
Seriously, you will be addicted to these...give some away so you don't eat them all!
1 box golden butter or yellow cake mix
2/3 cup unsweetented applesauce
2/3 cup water
3 eggs
1/3 cup oil
2 teaspoons cinnamon
24 Kraft caramels
Line 24 muffin cups with paper liners.
In large mixing bowl, mix cake mix, applesauce, and water. Beat in eggs, oil, and cinnamon. Spoon the cake mixture into the lined cups. Unwrap the caramels.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Halfway through baking drop one caramel into each muffin (I do it this way so that they don't sink all the way to the bottom - the recipe says to put them in when you first begin baking them). Oven times may vary...Cool for 5 minutes in pan before removing cups to cool completely.
Note: These are very moist cupcakes - so store them accordingly.
ENJOY!
My dear hubby hooked up a wireless router in our home, so we can now begin transforming the office into the nursery! And then he left a cute little bamboo plant and an amazingly sweet card on the kitchen table. In the card he wrote: "As the bamboo plant grows, so will our love continue to grow. Bamboo is one of the strongest plants in nature, and our love is strong, too." *SIGH* Such a sweet hubby....he seriously makes my heart flutter still...However, just a few problems...
1. I don't have a green thumb...I have a BLACK thumb. He knows this. Perhaps this is a test?
2. I have successfully killed every plant I've ever been given, including an aloe & a cactus. That's a wretched record. (sidenote: I DO keep other living things alive quite well...such as, my dog, my husband, and my wonderful late Wal-Mart beta fish, Bigg Redd Maxx, who was with me during the most difficult time of my life.)
3. I am now feeling a bit of pressure to keep this bamboo plant alive..I mean, really, how awful would it be to think "What's the opposite of watching the bamboo plant & our love grow?...Yeesh.... No presure!"
I made myself Caramel Apple Cupcakes for a birthday snack - they are just as delicious as I remember them being! Overall it's been a very happy birthday! Thanks for your well wishes, your hugs, gifts, and friendship...it means so much!
Have a Caramel Apple Cupcake to celebrate!
Emily's Amazing Caramel Apple Muffins
Seriously, you will be addicted to these...give some away so you don't eat them all!
1 box golden butter or yellow cake mix
2/3 cup unsweetented applesauce
2/3 cup water
3 eggs
1/3 cup oil
2 teaspoons cinnamon
24 Kraft caramels
Line 24 muffin cups with paper liners.
In large mixing bowl, mix cake mix, applesauce, and water. Beat in eggs, oil, and cinnamon. Spoon the cake mixture into the lined cups. Unwrap the caramels.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Halfway through baking drop one caramel into each muffin (I do it this way so that they don't sink all the way to the bottom - the recipe says to put them in when you first begin baking them). Oven times may vary...Cool for 5 minutes in pan before removing cups to cool completely.
Note: These are very moist cupcakes - so store them accordingly.
ENJOY!
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