Working retail...

So I've been considering getting a second job. Something to work evenings & maybe weekends, while Jake is working to keep me busy, meet some people, and gain some extra cash. Honestly, I haven't been thinking about it THAT seriously, but I have been thinking about how I want a new house, wish I had more money, and could pay a housekeeper.

First of all, I DID have a cleaning lady to my house today. It was a fabulous feeling to know she was slaving away at my house with scrubbing buckets & Lysol while I worked here. I think paying someone to do shit work is an amazing concept. I highly advocate it. Actually, since we have an extra bedroom in our house, I was thinking maybe we should see if there's some trustworthy college student out there that needs free room & board in exchange for being my personal maid. I would LOVE that.

Anyway, back on the topic…I was thinking of all of the places that are currently hiring for holiday help. One of my favorite and least favorite jobs was working at a bookstore in the mall. There are a number of good and bad things about working at such a place. I will try to outline them here:

Working in a mall you see ALL SORTS of people. Gang bangers, old ladies, screaming children, dads who have no clue what they're even doing at a mall, etc. My favorites were Christmas Eve at 4:58 PM the men who would walk through the doors and be like "Give me something…anything…." and we'd hand them a $50 coffee table book on any number of topics that we had strategically placed by the "cash wrap" for just these sorts of "emergencies."

Working for a corporation, you have to follow what they dictate. For instance, if they tell you to say something when you answer the phone "Goodafternoon,XBookstore,whereyoubuy4bargainbooksandgetthe5thonefreethisisemilyhowcanIhelpyou?!," you have to do it. And don't even get me started on those "Secret Shopper" people.

No. We can not give you change for a dollar to get a stroller. And no, we can't give you your money back for that annoying game/ride/junk food machine that ate your quarters. Yes, we'd be glad to sell you one of these overpriced chocolates for $0.49 plus tax so we can open our register and give you change.

I really loved the people who would come into the store and immediately after crossing the threshold from tile to carpet would have this blank look on their faces. When I'd approach and ask if I could help them find something they'd say, "A book."
Me: "Wonderful….well, you're in the right place, we have thousands of titles!"
Customer: "Darn it…I just forgot what the title of the book was. A friend recommended it."
Me: "Well, if you could tell me a little about it, I may be able to help you locate it."
Customer: "It's red."
Me: "What's red?"
Customer: "I think the cover has red on it."
Me: "Anything else? We have a lot of titles with 'red on it'"
Customer: "Um….I think it has the word 'and' in the title?"
Me: "Wow. That would be like, half the books we have in here." *THIS IS THE POINT WHERE I WANT TO PUNCH THEM IN THE OVARIES.*

This is another favorite story of mine. As many of you may know, "adult magazines" are sold at bookstores. They are usually kept on the top shelf of the racks, so that children and pre-pubescent boys cannot reach them with their grimy little fingers. One day I noticed a group of MAYBE 14 year olds giggling around the magazine rack. It was pretty obvious what they were doing. 3 of them eventually ditched their friend and made that unlucky guy come up to the register to make his purchase. I was going to relish this one.
Customer: *Throws nudie mag up onto counter like he's "cool" and like I have no idea what he's doing.*
Me: *Very nonchalant.* "May I see your ID?
Customer: Oh, I need an ID to buy this? (His voice may have even cracked).
Me: Uh, yeah you need to be 18 to purchase this magazine.
Customer: Oh, sure…(He fumbles with his tiny wallet. It may have even had Velcro on it. I see him flip PAST his LEARNERS PERMIT.) Jeez…it looks like I left my DRIVERS LICENSE in my CAR. (He stresses DRIVERS LICENSE and CAR like someone would if they DIDN'T have a DRIVERS LICENSE or a CAR.)
Me: Well, when your mom comes to pick you up, maybe you could ask her for it. I'll keep this back behind the counter for you. *FLASHES 1,000 watt smile*

And the best story yet. As some of you may know, when I was 14-16 I was a little "boy crazy" shall we say? Well, at one point I was in a theatre production of Sweeney Todd. The guy who played Sweeney was this guy at least 10 years older than me, dark, brooding, etc. He NEVER talked to us, the lowly high school stage fillers. That's why he was so attractive to me, perhaps? It was ridiculous really, but I had this HUGE stalkerish crush on him. Well, one night after one of our performances, we had a fancy reception at a local bistro. I attended with the other high school cast members. "Sweeney" attended with HIS WIFE. He had a WIFE. How could he have a WIFE when there are perfectly beautiful 15 year olds like me?! I was crushed. I talked crap about this woman all night long with my high school friends, shooting her dirty looks, picking apart her every move and her fashion for the evening, and wondering how he could pick someone like HER when there were people like ME in the world?! The worst thing about this whole thing? She totally KNEW I was jonesing on her husband, and she was perfectly happy to antagonize me, or so I thought. Anyway, long story short, when I went to get a job at said bookstore, who do I have the interview with but SWEENEY'S WIFE. Yeah…and she even HIRED me!? She was my boss. And she didn't hate my guts. And I was SO completely embarrassed…too embarrassed to ever hate her. The best part about it was that she was a totally sweet woman.And very gracious about NOT ever mentioning my embarrassing actions (such as writing love notes to her husband along with making lipstick kisses on his door with the rest of the "7th Floor Whores" (as we were affectionately called because of our 7th floor dressing room at the Capital Theatre). Lesson learned: Don't ever flirt with married men. You never know who their wife could be! :)

So….perhaps I'll go see about getting a job at a bookstore again. Or maybe I should just be content with my pool boy, Raul…