Frustration

So, it's been 4 months of paper pregnancy. Much like a real pregnancy, my weight has fluctuated...one of my friends told me it's the "adoption diet." My weight is not due to a baby growing inside of me, but a baby that is constantly on my mind, may or may not exist in this world yet, and stress. The holiday season doesn't help with ANY of this!

My thoughts swim with "our child" while we prepare for the Christmas season. We put up our nativity, and think about the wait that Mary and Joseph had as they made preparations for their miracle. Like Mary, I'm often frightened, excited, unsure, but hopeful. As we hung the lights and ornaments on the Christmas tree, I wondered, "Will there be a little one ‘helping’ next year? How many presents will fit under this tree?!"

We recently made a decision to attend an orientation session for foster and adoption through the state "system." At this time we don't know what this will mean for us, for our family, but it could be one more step in the direction to our child.

Just this week we inquired about a "waiting child." Waiting children are available for adoption, but are oftentimes somewhat more difficult to place. Some may be over age 8, or be a minority. Others may have a number of siblings that must be adopted with them, or have behavioral or emotional issues. Some have been removed from their homes because of abuse or neglect. Others’ parents may be incarcerated.

We contacted an agency who had listed “J,” a five year old little boy with a wide, toothy smile, short blonde hair, and described as “energetic, adventurous, and not afraid of anything.” After not having phone calls returned, and feeling like a voicemail stalker, I finally got through to someone. They told me that they are looking to place “J” in an adoptive home by February, and are currently lining up families to interview. But they were not sure if our current private home study would be accepted or if we would have to be foster licensed as well. She passed me along to a different phone number. The phone number they provided had been changed, and I was instructed to contact the case worker at a different number. After leaving a message on his answering machine and getting no answer, I voicemail stalked again. This time he answered. He gave me a few more details about “J,” but again I was passed off to someone else. Finally, when I reached the woman at the end of the line (thankfully she answered her phone after a few rings!) I was told that to be considered to adopt “J” we would have to be a licensed foster family. So, thanks but no thanks.

Now, as I told you, we attended the orientation session on Monday. Along with this orientation is a whole packet of paperwork, including another round of background checks (we just did this this summer for our private home study licensing) and fingerprinting. Of course, because of the holidays and the nature of these checks, it can take 4-6 weeks for background checks to come back. We’ve been told that we cannot start the 10 week, 30 hour required classes until our background checks come back clear, and the next sessions begin January 5. Since our paperwork won’t likely be approved by then, we won’t have an opportunity to start until April. I’ve contacted the right people, and our social worker has contacted people on our behalf, but as it stands, there is no way to go around this and we’ve been told “This is the system.”

It is SO frustrating to jump through hoops, spend countless conversations on the phone, dreaming and yearning about these children who just need to be loved and cared for and coming up against road block after road block. We’re not even “in the system” yet, and we’re frustrated. Perhaps this is God’s way of saying “This isn’t my plan for you.”

It is situations like this, and days like these, where I feel very tired and sad. Tired that we jump through hoops, get treated like criminals with interrogations about every aspect of our lives, and having to complete background checks about our history, and go on the roller coaster of emotional highs and lows. It makes me sad that we can’t just “make a baby” like so many others can do so simply and without thought. I don’t dream about pregnancy anymore. I don’t expect my period to be late. I don’t think anymore about the possibility of growing a baby inside of me. Until days like this. Have we given up too soon on fertility options? We CHOSE this path, because it felt like the perfect way for us to have a family. Most days I don’t mourn the fact that I will most likely never grow a baby inside of me. But today I do. Today I feel sad that this isn’t so easy for us. Today I feel angry at people who just take fertility for granted. And I’m angry at “the system” who claims they are doing what is best for children, but don’t allow for a simple thing like letting us start the classes prior to background checks (which were JUST done 4 months ago!) to come back clear. This is even more frustrating, because the social worker that would most likely be assigned to us, to begin an additional home study and all of that jazz, is the same social worker who just went through all of this with us 4 months ago!

I’ve spoken with Jake, our social worker, our moms, friends…and I know I need to pray about this…but right now it hurts, it’s frustrating, and I am feeling like throwing in the proverbial towel on trying to get licensed as a foster family. We are already licensed privately for domestic infant adoption…perhaps we just need to sit tight and wait patiently for God’s will to be done.

Three Is A Magic Number?

So on Monday we had been waiting 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days.

Do you remember the Schoolhouse Rock song called "Three Is A Magic Number?"

A man and a woman had a little baby,

Yes, they did.

They had three in the family,

And that's a magic number.

We're still hoping and praying for our family of three.

On Saturday around 10 AM, my mom called. She asked if I was sitting down. I said "No, why?" She said, "Sit down..."

A woman, L, we've known for years through church & school called her. She wanted to call Friday night but it was too late & she didn't have my number so she called them. She says her future daughter in law's father, D, knows of a situation of 3 little girls, newborn, 1 & 2 who need to be placed before the end of the year or they will go to foster care. That is ALL she knows of the situation. I don't know how this man, D, is involved. I have his cell & work number & call both - left a message on the cell but it was a man robot answering system, so I have no idea if it's the right number. I call the work number & get an answering machine - he's an insurance agent, so I'm really unsure of how this guy is connected to the situation. I call Jake who is off helping his mom moves stuff & give him the story...then try & sit patiently. I can't, of course. So I call the cell again to ensure that I dialed the correct number. This time D answers....he says he was trying to get more info before he called back & that his cell was about to die. Of course it died in the course of him telling how he's involved in this situation. His sister's son recently adopted & they were called to see if they were interested in a few more children. They said they couldn't do it at this time...D said he was going to call his nephew & find out more info. He didn't call again until about 9:30 Saturday night. He didn't have much more info except that the babies are 2 & 1 (little girls) & an unborn baby due sometime next week! He believes they want to keep the 2 & 1 year old together, and possibly all 3. I know nothing about why these girls are being placed or anything about the situation. I DID leave a message for the contact that D gave me the number for.

So many thoughts were running through my head: Is it possible to expedite the state adoption licensing process if need be since we've already got an approved homestudy? Will we be driving a few hours drive to speak to someone? Will we be driving a few hours to be present for a birth & meet 3 little girls? Will we have a baby by Christmas? How will we handle 3 in diapers!? Jake & I kept looking at each other saying "3?! 3?!" How would we handle going from a family of 2 to a family of 5?!

How can you plan for, and think completely through the possibility without truly entertaining the idea enough to get your hopes up? Let me just say, it's almost impossible to do...or at least, I was not able to do it.

We didn't know much about this situation at all, and yet, still, I couldn't keep my mind off of it until I received a phone call back on Monday. All I had to go on was 3 little girls (2, 1 & an unborn?). When the woman returned my phone call and I tried to explain the situation to her so she'd know what I was talking about, she pretty much cut me off to tell me that they had already been placed...and in fact, were moving into a home that very day. "Oh....ok....thank you." And it was over.

Just as soon as we got a phone call telling us about a potential situation, we had a phone call ending it.

This process is so unlike any other experience...and it can be such a roller coaster Those three little girls were never ours. We didn't know much about the situation, or even if it was situation we were interested in pursuing, but it still makes my heart hurt that we aren't bringing home a baby...or 3. Just because they weren't meant for us doesn't mean we don't care for their wellbeing and pray for their safety and happiness.

3 Month Update

Well, we're now over 3 months "paper pregnant with no due date" as my dear husband likes to tell people.

3 months is insignificant and significant at the same time. It is insignificant insofar as there is no magical way of telling how and when our baby will come to us. There is a misconception that domestic newborn adoption is always a long wait. This is not always so from the people I have met and talked to, although, years ago this may have been the case. It is significant, however, due to the fact that I can surmise a bit from our agency's statistics. At any one time they have 8 waiting families (who have been approved & have active profiles). On average, our agency places approximately 4 babies per year. Thus, we can assume our wait to be somewhere between 3 months and 2years.

Baby has been on my mind a lot lately. I haven't had any dreams about our child, but my mom has. In her dream, she was carrying a baby girl down our hallway. She laid the baby girl on our bed to change her diaper, and she remembers her having a "baby blowout" on the bedspread & telling sweet little girl, "Your mommy's going to be mad at us!" These words made my heart skip a beat. Not the poop part, but the mommy part.

My great-grandma is nearly 98 years old. I don't know what exactly to call this phenomenon, but she sometimes has dreams that then happen in real life. My mom and my sister have also experienced this occurrence. Could it be that the baby that will someday be in our arms will be a bouncing baby girl?

I've begun taking an unofficial "poll" of sorts. My best friend Tif thinks our baby will be a boy. My mom had the dream about a girl. Some days my heart is telling me boy, other days it's saying girl. Jake says he wants a boy, but have you seen this man with a girl? Lord, it simply melts my heart...Who am I kidding? Boys, girls…doesn’t matter…he looks adorable with either…or both! So, do you think we’ll have a boy baby or a girl baby? When do you think he/she might arrive?

To give you a bit of an update …I contacted our social worker to see if our profile has been presented to any expectant parents as of yet. She said we had been presented to a young expectant mother who is in her 7th month of pregnancy. We had not been identified by this woman as the family she preferred, and were told that she chose a family who already has one child. Her child and this couple’s child will have an age gap that is similar to that of her and her sibling, so she felt a connection to them. Additionally, her sibling is around my age, and the only feedback she provided about us was that we were “So young!”

Yes, it stings to think that we seemingly weren’t chosen because of our age. Some couples choose to go through years of fertility treatments, and then pursue adoption. That wasn’t us! We thought we were different! Yes, it feels crushing to think we tried to best show who we were through the painstaking hours of creating a profile with pictures and words and she STILL didn’t "like" us enough to choose us. Immediately upon receiving this news, I began second-guessing my choices of words and photos in our profile and thinking I may need to edit it or scrap the whole thing entirely. Perhaps I did accidentally let a rogue double chin picture into the book (GASP!). Perhaps she didn’t like my writing style or the fact that we have a large, black dog. But then I remembered…this book IS who we are…Yes, it hurts to know that we weren’t what she was looking for. But, the family she DID identify doesn’t sound like our demographics at all (she choose an older couple with a child already). I think many would assume that expectant moms are looking for young, childless couples when making a plan to place for adoption. I’m offering this example as insight, as a way to show that some preconceived notions about adoption, expectant parents, birthparents, and adoptive parents that you may have (and even I myself had!) are not always the case!

I know that someday we will get the call. Unlike many who ignore them, when my phone rings and it’s an unknown number, I pick that call up so fast! I’m always disappointed when it is a political candidate’s recorded message or the library telling me a book I requested is in. But I know someday it WILL be the call.

10 Years

10 years ago I started on the most wonderful adventure of my life...10 years ago at 9:37 PM (yes, I remember the exact time because I wrote it down!), I said "Yes" when Jake asked if I'd "go out with" him. A mere 4 days after meeting this young man who was so polite and respectful, I said yes to more than I ever could have imagined.

I said yes to happiness beyond measure, but not without some heartache, too.
I said yes to loving unconditionally.
I said yes to learning what it means to truly share, and I'm still learning every day.
I said yes to growing up.
I said yes to the best friend I could ever have.
I said yes to hard work.
I said yes to hilarious fun.
I said yes to facing tragedy together, and not alone.
I said yes to growing in my faith.
I said yes to experiencing love in new ways.
I said yes to the adventure of a lifetime with the love of a lifetime, and I'm SO happy did.

I can't believe it's been 10 years. Every moment, EVERY MOMENT, has been worth it.

Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery

My Husband's Best Veteran's Day

Some family friends of ours who are involved in a local Vietnam Veterans chapter organized a "Welcome Home" party to celebrate veterans and thank them. This was the 2nd annual, and there is a great band that plays 50's & 60's songs, the Mexican American Vets Association makes amazing tacos, and it's a very fun event.

This past weekend, we had a wedding to go to first, and Jake wasn't sure we'd have time to go to the Welcome Home party because it was his early night in to work. I told him we should still go - he should change his clothes into his work clothes & we'd just take two cars. So we headed off.

This year they honored a local man who is a medal of honor recipient, Sgt. John Baker (then Pfc.). What he did was nothing short of amazing. He is a TRUE American hero. There are only a few more than 100 of these men living. Many of the recipients of the Medal of Honor are awarded posthumously.

My heart leaped out of my chest when I got to watch my husband shake hands with this man. I know how proud he was to have even met & shaken hands with this man. He was smiling ear to ear and when we stepped away he was shaking with excitement and said he had goosebumps. A few minutes later, one of our family friends took us back over to Sgt. Baker. I watched as Jake interacted with him....and then....Sgt. Baker reached into his pocket & shook Jake's hand, and as he did so, he passed Jake one of his Medal of Honor "coins."

For those of you not in the military, here is some history. It's part of a "game" where there is always a challenge to "trump" each other's coins...coins are awarded for different reasons, but as I understand, a Medal of Honor coin "trumps" ALL. It's a huge honor to receive one of these coins, and I am not sure of this, but I believe that people like Sgt. Baker has a limited number of these coins to hand out over his lifetime. After Jake was given this coin, he was even MORE thrilled. He had to turn away because he had tears in his eyes!

What a memorable Veterans Day experience for Jake! I think I got to experience him having one of the best moments of his life!

For the Record

I am completely & utterly in love with my husband. And in case I haven't been clear in previous blogs, I want to show you how proud I am of him.



Yes, I whine about his man-isms (you know those lovely things that most wives complain to other women about because it seems like EVERY man in the world does them-i.e. never replacing the toilet paper roll, not putting socks into the hamper but around it?). Yes, sometimes he drives me nuts (those same things that seemed to endear him to me years ago can become such a turn-off after 10 years!). Yes, occasionally I wish that I had a magic wand to wave above his head to change some of his bad habits (but he probably wishes all of these things for me, too!).

Here he is...in all his glory. My crazy love of my life. What, is he doing, you may ask?

On Saturday, November 3rd, my hero re-enlisted for 3 more years in the Army National Guard. He, being a combat engineer, decided that he should make the Colonel climb close to the top of the Jacob's Ladder obstacle to do his swearing in. He is on the left, and he is VERY high up (it makes me a little nervous just to look at the picture..."Hold on with both hands!" I want to yell!)

I know there have been many prayers pouring out for us. We greatly appreciate it and have felt your prayers at work in our hearts & in our home. I feel much better now knowing that there is no ambiguity about the decision. The decision is made and I am at peace with it. I am proud of my hubby. He's my best husband EVER. I will always be proud of him. I will always love him. And I will always brag about him....even if I complain about him in the next breath. :)

Tag! I'm IT!

My friends, Anita & Angie have tagged me.

Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I have notebooks & notebooks filled with (mostly unfinished) stories. I used to want to be an author & illustrator of children's fictional books when I was younger. I also used to write poetry, but haven't in years.

2. Until I was probably a freshman in high school, I did not know that the movie Mary Poppins ended with the song Let's Go Fly a Kite. My parents had taped it for us off of the Sunday evening Wonderful World of Disney, and our tape ran out at the point where the scary bank men are chasing the children.

3. I can play the flute, piccolo, alto & tenor saxophones. I have always wished I could play the piano & violin, though. I was a vocal music All Stater in 1999.

4. I think I like airports so much because you can make up all sorts of delicious stories about who a person is & where they are going. These guesses are probably completely wrong & not as dramatic as I hope, but many emotional times are had in airports & I am a feeler.

5. I am the world's worst house keeper. I truly have no ambition most days to create a clean house. I would prefer to stick "Get Well Soon" cards up on my mantle & let people think I've been sick & unable to clean, rather than to ACTUALLY clean. I like the "easy way out" of a lot of things. I don't care how spoiled I sound, but TRULY, life would be better with a maid.

6. I love sending cards & notes to people when they don't expect it. Getting bills out of the mailbox can be so tiresome. Brightening someone's day in just a little way like this makes me smile, even if I can't see their face when they open the card.

7. I don't understand designer anything. I especially don't understand things like designer accessories. Why would I prefer to spend over $100.00 on a pair of sunglasses that will probably get sat upon or lost when I could buy a perfectly just as good gas station pair for $5.00? Then, when they get sat upon or lost, I can buy 19 MORE pairs for the same amount of money I'd spend on just ONE pair.

8. Somedays I miss college A LOT. Like miss it so much that I'd even want to be back in the dorms, eating dorm food, walking to class, reading, learning, etc. I miss so many things about college...but I know if I went back now, it wouldn't be the same. Nothing about it would be the same. But I still miss it.

Ok, to the evil part...I tag: Heather, Tesi, Jennifer, Julie, Rachel, Mandy, Amber, & Brian.

Every Blessing & Curse Is a Choice

It's been a rough time lately. I'm scared of the possibility of deployment & scared of what's going on with me. I'm feeling myself beginning to get depressed again..the way I was when Jake was overseas. Happy & together in public, falling apart and a tearful mess in private. It seems that when I start to hurt, I go into hibernation mode. I don't eat or I eat a ton...I want to stay in bed, don't want to get up, or when I do, I want to crawl back into bed. I take what people say or don't say so personally. I want so badly to reach out & hug the love of my life back, but instead I don't. I want to look at him, but I look away instead. I want him to hold me, instead, I push him away to guard my heart, all the while knowing it is ridiculous, stupid, hurtful, and not good in any way. And I don't ask for help.

I know I need to stop this...it just seems an overwhelming task to rethink this. I have been seeing this issue as a big black cloud looming over our heads and I thought I was going to be free of it. Instead it is on our doorstep again. The whole time we were actively trying to get pregnant, I had November 2007 as the "goal" date to be pregnant by. I felt like Jake might change his mind about re-enlisting if there was a baby here to change his mind. I thought "If I am not enough for him to stay, then maybe a baby would be." Yes, this is probably warped thinking. My husband is not choosing to "leave" me. He is not choosing the military "over" me. He knows how much pain the deployment caused me. And yet, still, this is his choice. This is not an either or for him. This is not a best of both worlds. This decision is what he feels he has been called to do. What his purpose on this earth is. If you know him, you understand. It just cuts so deeply that as this decision is made, my body reminds me "There is no baby in your womb." It's like a slap in the face.

I got in my car this morning & and my radio was tuned to K-Love, where it seems to always be lately. The song The Blessing by John Waller was playing. I listened, but I didn't want to hear. And yet, still, I know God was reaching out to me.

"This day
You set life, you set death right before us
This day
Every blessing & curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life..."

I said inside my head "OK, God...got the message...thanks." and I was angry.

Then I got to work & decided to open the daily devotional in my email. I don't always read them, but today I felt compelled. It was about TRUST. The words that struck me said, "In the rush of it all we sometimes fail to notice the seeds of change within ourselves. It is wise to stop and ask, "Am I growing or eroding in who I am becoming?" A wise woman grows in becoming trustworthy..." Again, I felt like, "I hear you God, but I don't want to listen right now..." or maybe I was listening, but I just didn't know what to do or where to go. It seems so much easier to just embrace my pain, anger, bitterness, than to let go of it, trust, and put God in control.


There have been many prayers sent up for us lately. Friends who know and love us, friends who have never met us, even friends who don't pray, praying for us and for our peace. One of my dear friends told me today:

I feel that the baby is coming after this re-enlist date because the baby can't be a fix or a reason. Jake had to make this decision without your baby in your arms yet. Maybe that is his walk of faith, trust in the Lord. If you truly believe that you will be parents in the near future than he has to make the decision to sign knowing that he may have to leave you and child behind if he gets called up. Trust and faith is everywhere!

She spoke of a card she wanted to send me, with two birds soaring on the front with the word: Journeys.....
Inside it says:
To love someone is to stay close enough to touch,
leaving space enough to grow.

She continued with: Touch your husband and embrace his love, even if you have to fake it until you feel it. You are giving him space to grow and be who he is ment to be! What a blessing and gift you are in his life!

I cried. Hard.

After work today, Jake & I drove to the library to return a CD & took the pup with us. We decided to take a nice walk on a beautiful day along the bike path. We were surrounded by God's beauty...the cool weather, the changing, crunching leaves, holding hands...

And finally, All Saints Day Mass. The Gospel was The Beatitudes. Blessed are the peacemakers....for they shall be called children of God. And we sang Be Not Afraid.

You shall cross the barren desert, but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety, though you do not know the way.
You shall speak your words in foreign lands, and all will understand.
You shall see the face of God and live...

Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters, in the sea you shall not drown.
If you walk amid the burning flames, you shall not be harmed.
If you stand before the power of hell, and death is at your side,
know that I am with you through it all.

Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.

Blessed are your poor, for the kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn, for one day you shall laugh.
And if wicked men insult and hate you all because of me,
Blessed, blessed are you...

Be not afraid
I go before you always
Come follow me
And I will give you rest.

I cried. And the load I had been carrying, didn't seem so heavy anymore. The friends, the prayers, the songs, the words, the love of my life, the beautiful day.

I can do this. I can get through this. I am blessed.

What I've Got

I am terrified. Terrified of losing what I’ve got.

I have many nice “things” in my life. A beautiful, brick home. A job that makes me happy. A fabulous, red vehicle that gets me where I need to go on a daily basis. Money in my bank accounts. A church where I feel at home. Food in my cupboards and in my belly.

But these things are all just THINGS. I could live with or without them. In all essence, they mean nothing to me.

Let me tell what I’ve TRULY got.

I have an amazingly loving, loyal, dedicated husband. He’s funny, faithful, and kind. He is seriously the most handsome man I’ve ever met. He loves motorcycles, martial arts, and “kill ‘em up, shoot ‘em up” movies. He’s a “boob man.” He’ll go to a movie by himself on the first day it comes out in the theater just because he loves films so much. He can’t keep surprises. He drools over gun and ammunition catalogs. He loves to watch the Bears & screams at the TV as if they can hear him critiquing their messy plays and horrible passes. He’s easily side-tracked. He loves ice cream and peanut butter, separately and together. He always stands at attention when the National Anthem plays, and he reminds people around them to take off their hats to show respect. He loves a good German beer, but a cold Bud Light will do him just fine, too. He enjoys “angry” music, but he’ll listen to country, Christian, Rock…anything he can sing along to. And he has a wonderful voice, even though he’ll deny that to his dying day. He gets super excited when I cook good food. When he especially likes the way something tastes, he’ll want you to have some, too. He doesn’t understand why people clapped for him when he walked through an airport with his uniform on because he feels he did “nothing special.” He adores dogs and babies. He can be so gentle and nurturing. His cheeks are always rosy & his long eyelashes can melt you. He’ll admittedly tell you that he can’t put an outfit together to save his life, so it’s a good thing he wears a uniform most of the time. He wants to make a difference in the world, by making himself a better person, and by helping others make better decisions. He’s passionate about what he loves. And he’d die for what he loves…his family & his country.

On top of all of that, he loves me. HE. LOVES. Me. He LOVES me just for being my rotten self. He doesn’t care that I have gained weight, or that I am neurotic about silly things, or change my hair color too much. He puts up with my messiness and my bossiness. He endures my side-seat driving and my innumerable questions. Why? Some days I still think to myself, “What have I done to deserve such an amazing man who loves me so much?”

One can only speculate. :)

I never want to lose the feeling of someone loving me unconditionally for me and all of me. I always want his hugs, his laugh, his smile, his kisses. I want his arms to hold me forever, his fingers to run through my hair, and even just his company to walk the dog or watch a movie together. I miss him when he’s not with me…even if it’s just when I go to work, or he’s out of town for a week. I feel like even when I am old & gray that I will STILL feel like I haven’t got enough time in this life to be with this man. My heart truly ached while he was overseas. My chest literally hurt with love and pain. I would not wish that hurt upon anyone…and the ache is seeping back again.

Jake will sign papers again on Friday to re-enlist.

A Lesson in Etiquette & Proper Adoption Language

I recently shared our "good news" with an office that I deal with on a regular basis at work. The conversation went like this:

Me: I just wanted you ladies to know what's going on with Jake & I (*Big smile*)...
Lady 1: You're pregnant?!
Me: Well....paper pregnant & waiting for 2 months now! We're adopting!
Lady 1: Oh that's nice.
Lady 2: Good for you!
Lady 1: So....is someone getting inseminated?
Me: *Shocked silence* (What did she just say?) Um....no.....we're looking to adopt a newborn from someone who wants to place their child for adoption.
Lady 1: Oh...so what's wrong with the baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 1: I mean, are the mom's druggies or why are they giving up their baby?
Me: *Shocked silence*
Lady 2: *Wheels around in her computer chair to give coworker death glare/aka shocked look like "Oh I KNOW you did not just say that...."
Me: Nothing is WRONG with the women OR the babies...
Lady 2: That's really great for you guys....
Lady 1: So can you not get pregnant?
Lady 2: *Wheels around again to give coworker another shocked look, which is promptly ignored*
Me: *Shocked silence* (Why is she still talking?) We're adopting & we're really happy about that.
Lady 2: Good for you two!
Me: Well, just wanted to let you know our happy news! (Perhaps I shouldn't have shared our "happy news" with you....)

It still shocks me how ignorant some people are. Yes, I have chosen to share my "good news" with you, but that does not give you the right to a) make me feel like my choice to adopt is not "as good" as being pregnant, b) ask me personal questions about what possibly lead us to adopt, and c) assume that my child and his/her first mother has a "problem."

These myths that this woman was drawing her conclusions upon perpetuate a stigma about adoption that is highly untrue, unfair, and uneducated. I wish I could give everyone a guidebook to what the process entails, let them meet some of these amazingly selfless and courageous women who make plans of adoption, and a way to show them how insensitive some of their comments and questions can be.

This is something I found on my friend Joy's blog...I think it's important to share with as many people as possible, so that they might be educated.

Definitions:
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else's child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
--- Rita Laws, PhD

I came across the following excerpt that explains appropriate adoption language. I have found this to be helpful in educating others and ourselves.

Using accurate adoption language when speaking about adoption is extremely important. Even well meaning family members and friends can inadvertently convey the misconception that adoptive families are less real or permanent, and that a child who was adopted remains somehow different. This can be hurtful and hard to forget by the adoptee or adoptive parents.

Here are some points to remember:

*As with race or gender, the fact that a person was adopted should be mentioned only if it's essential to the story. If it's used, relevance should be made clear. A daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin who joined the family through adoption is -- and should be described as -- simply a daughter, niece, granddaughter, or cousin, not as an "adopted daughter", etc. Once an adoption is final, a child is simply a regular member of the family.

*If it is relevant to mention adoption, past tense phrasing is appropriate, such as "Jane was adopted in August 2006" rather than "She is adopted". Adoption is just one of many events in Jane's life, not an immutable personal trait. Jane's family should be referred to simply as father, mother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The man and woman who shared in Jane's conception can be referred to as the birthparents (NOT "real" or "natural" parents).

*The reasons that people adopt are rarely relevant. To suggest or say that someone "couldn't have a baby of his or her own" is inaccurate. Adoption is a choice, and is not second best. Children who join families through adoption are their parents "own" by law and by love. Families are formed by love, not biology.

Words not only convey facts, they also evoke feelings. The way we talk, and the words we choose, say a lot about what we think and value. When we use positive adoption language, we say that adoption is a way to build a family just as birth is. Both are important, but one is not more important than the other.

Please choose positive adoption language instead of the negative talk that helps perpetuate the myth that adoption is second best. People who use incorrect terminology should be politely corrected. When we use positive adoption language, we educate others about adoption.

Exposure

Sorry for the lapse in posts...you've probably wondering what we've been up to...

I've been meaning to get on here & tell you what's been going on, but it's been a really busy few weeks, and there is not too much to report.

We recently made the decision to put an ad in our local Catholic newspaper about our intentions to adopt. As far as I know, it has yielded no results as of yet, and I am using much of my energy to withhold sending emails to our social worker and attorney to ask them if they've had any inquiries.

We've officially been waiting as "Paper Pregnant with no due date" for 2 months, one week, and one day now. Some days are easy, others are very difficult. There are a lot of things on our minds and our hearts lately...some of which are adoption related, others not. I have to keep reminding myself that we just need to take one day at a time, and that no matter how hard I try, I am not in control of much of the circumstances in my life or our collective lives.

After placing the ad in the newspaper, we were contacted by one of their reporters. She wanted to do a story on how we met, as the youth conference we met at is being held next month and it will be our 10 year anniversary of meeting & beginning our relationship. We said we'd be happy to give her an interview, and we met with her in our home on Monday evening to "tell our story." I can only hope that it will be seen as a testimony of God's amazing power to bring two people together to love each other through all of life's ups and downs.

Keep praying for all of the women in the world whose hearts are heavy with difficult pregnancy decisions. We appreciate all of your prayers for us, for expectant families, and for the child who we will someday call our own.

A Very Merry Birthday

Today I turned 26. It was a lot less emotionally painful than 25, although I woke up with back pain...I'm praying it's not age related, and I know I should just go visit my amazing chiro & stop being so stressed out!

My dear hubby hooked up a wireless router in our home, so we can now begin transforming the office into the nursery! And then he left a cute little bamboo plant and an amazingly sweet card on the kitchen table. In the card he wrote: "As the bamboo plant grows, so will our love continue to grow. Bamboo is one of the strongest plants in nature, and our love is strong, too." *SIGH* Such a sweet hubby....he seriously makes my heart flutter still...However, just a few problems...

1. I don't have a green thumb...I have a BLACK thumb. He knows this. Perhaps this is a test?
2. I have successfully killed every plant I've ever been given, including an aloe & a cactus. That's a wretched record. (sidenote: I DO keep other living things alive quite well...such as, my dog, my husband, and my wonderful late Wal-Mart beta fish, Bigg Redd Maxx, who was with me during the most difficult time of my life.)
3. I am now feeling a bit of pressure to keep this bamboo plant alive..I mean, really, how awful would it be to think "What's the opposite of watching the bamboo plant & our love grow?...Yeesh.... No presure!"

I made myself Caramel Apple Cupcakes for a birthday snack - they are just as delicious as I remember them being! Overall it's been a very happy birthday! Thanks for your well wishes, your hugs, gifts, and friendship...it means so much!

Have a Caramel Apple Cupcake to celebrate!

Emily's Amazing Caramel Apple Muffins
Seriously, you will be addicted to these...give some away so you don't eat them all!

1 box golden butter or yellow cake mix
2/3 cup unsweetented applesauce
2/3 cup water
3 eggs
1/3 cup oil
2 teaspoons cinnamon
24 Kraft caramels

Line 24 muffin cups with paper liners.
In large mixing bowl, mix cake mix, applesauce, and water. Beat in eggs, oil, and cinnamon. Spoon the cake mixture into the lined cups. Unwrap the caramels.
Bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Halfway through baking drop one caramel into each muffin (I do it this way so that they don't sink all the way to the bottom - the recipe says to put them in when you first begin baking them). Oven times may vary...Cool for 5 minutes in pan before removing cups to cool completely.

Note: These are very moist cupcakes - so store them accordingly.

ENJOY!

Nursery theme...check!

So I've been mulling a nursery theme over & over in my mind. Nothing was coming to me. I didn't want anything too cutesy...it's just not much our "style" and I wanted it to be something that the child won't "outgrow" quickly. Plus, I wanted it to be versatile...something that could go great for a little boy or a girl. I don't sound picky at all, do I?!

Just recently a thought popped into my mind. When Jake came home from overseas, he brought me back a wooden statue. It's not much bigger than the palm of my hand, but it means SO much to me. There is a large elephant in the middle with 2 smaller elephants, one on each side, and then encircling all of them are 4 tiny elephants. I remember thinking when he gave me the gift, "This is us...God in the middle, Jake & I, and 4 babies someday." When I think about the little wooden sculpture now, I think it's the best idea I have had for a nursery theme!

So, we're hoping to put some apple green paint on the walls, and maybe some elephants to make it a special place to bring our baby home to someday!

Instant Mommyhood

Our American society is an impulsive one. Many of us live with a "You want it, you got it" mentality. We can go through the drive-through and have an instant dinner. We can use our credit cards and have an instant living room. We get in our vehicles & get to places quickly. We want our stuff & we want it NOW. Instant satisfaction.

The definition of "instant" is: instantaneous: occuring with no delay; blink of an eye: a very short time. We've got instant messaging, instant rice, instant downloads, instant coffee, instant win lottery, instant oatmeal, instant replay, instant power, instant flushing, instant payday loans...anything we want, we've got it at our fingertips momentarily.

Things that are "instant" are sometimes taken for granted...we turn on the tap & anticipate a flow of fresh water...but in many countries they don't have this luxury, and if they do, they conserve their water by taking minimal showers, using it only for cooking & eating, and possibly reusing some of it for other uses. Here, we expect it.

Instantaneous is easy. We crave instant stuff. Instant success, instant fame, instant wealth…it’s all highly enticing. However, I wake up on a daily basis with knots in my stomach, that usually last through the day, thinking about the fact that I could be an “Instant Mommy.”

Many people take fertility for granted. Use contraception until you’re ready for a family, get off & hope you get knocked up the first month off of it, be a happy family 9 months later. Our society thinks this way, too. The moment you step past the threshold of an altar after getting married, people are wondering when you’re going to have children. Could we at least enjoy the “honeymoon” first & maybe try to live together before adding children to the mix, thankyouverymuch? And do people not realize how invasive this question TRULY is? Sure, if you’d like an itinerary of the sexual escapades going on in our bedroom, I’ll give you a schedule if you REALLY want to know all about our attempts at baby-making!

Perhaps that is why we’ve been so open about our intentions to adopt. I’m sure we’re going to catch some people off guard who for some reason haven’t heard of our plans. One day we’ll be a family of two, the next week we could be carting around a newborn, a stroller, a diaper bag, and all of the other accoutrements that come with being a parent. If I can tell them before they ask me, I’ll have the upper hand, be in control of this situation, and not feel like my toes have been stepped on, right?

I’ve heard all manner of things from people upon announcing our “Paper Pregnancy.”

"Oh...that paperwork takes a LONG time, huh?" Actually, we're approved & waiting for a match already! It didn’t take long at all.

"Oh, you'll be waiting FOREVER." Perhaps, but it's all in God's time...and actually, I know people who were placed REALLY fast. Most people I know wait 9 months to have their babies, anway!

"Oh, the ‘real mom’ will come back & want to take the kid away from you..." Ughhhhh.....

This is not only a quest to becoming a family for us, but also a quest to enlighten and educate those who don’t know about the process of adoption. They don’t understand how important a profile book is, or how truly invasive a home study can be, or how the love that I have for my husband grows more and more each day as I watch him change though this process. They don’t understand that this isn’t just about us…it’s about an expectant mom with hopes and dreams for her child, a child who is coming into this world that deserves to be loved and cared for, and yes, about us as a couple, too. This relationship is one that will change us all forever…and inextricably link us together, always. How amazing for that child to know that he/she was loved SO much that the woman that carried him or her wanted the best life for her child? My quest, as a hopeful adoptive parent, is to share my story with others…to talk candidly about why we chose this way to grow our family, to explain how the process has worked for us to dissuade any myths and misconceptions they may have, and to eradicate the stigma of open adoption. However, I am no expert, and I do not claim to be.

Instant Mommyhood may sound appealing, and yet, it frightens me. It’s been a month of “Paper Pregnancy” and my sleep is scarce, I can’t focus, and I have a nervous stomach. The easy part for me has been the paperwork, the process, the explanations of our experience. The part that freaks me out is holding the “newborn onesie” up and thinking “WOW…that’s TINY!” and looking at the baby swing I purchased this weekend and thinking “There will be a tiny person sitting there someday.” I can’t even bring myself to the thought of purchasing and actually USING a carseat or a stroller…those things give me nightmares! The other half of it is, when a woman is pregnant with a child, she has 9 months to bond with that baby, to think and dream about will it have daddy’s nose or mommy’s eyes? Instant Mommyhood includes being handed a brand new baby and being told “This child is yours to love and care for…for the rest of your lives. Happy Instant Mother’s Day!” The idea of what we would really DO if we get the call to bring home the baby by the weekend is nerve-wracking. Would we still be able to go to Oktoberfest at the Bier Stube? Would we be able to put the crib together in time & dismantle the huge computer desk? Would we slap a coat of apple green paint on the walls or forgo it for a major Wal-Mart trip for the necessities like diapers, formula, and baby powder? I have no clue, and it’s probably not important to worry about anyway.

I’m frazzled. This cluelessness frightens me. Please pray for me…for peace, for sanity, for an open heart & mind, and to accept God’s plan for our lives in HIS great timing. Instant Mommyhood could be just around the corner…

Reader Shout Out

Just curious how far-reaching my blog is. I've had a number of comments from readers, whose blogs I am now tuned into. Many of you are regular readers & commenters, which I love and appreciate. I look forward to seeing how many people my blog has touched. If you're a "lurker" will you "come out, come out wherever you are!" and post a comment for me? It's nice to know that this is actually being read, and also, as I said, helps turn me on to other fellow blog writers out there!

THANKS! :)

There is a reason.

I took a late lunch today, so that I could drop another profile off at an attorney's office downtown. It's a gorgeous day today...beautiful, sunny, 70 degrees, much like the Tuesday 6 years ago when terrorists hijacked planes and crashed them into the Twin Towers, the Pentagon, and a field in Pennsylvania. I drove with the windows open, enjoying the sun, the smells, the breeze on my face. I had the radio tuned to K-LOVE and heard a song I've heard a number of times before, but today it really touched me.

Caedmon's Call sings There Is a Reason. Here is an excerpt of the lyrics:

Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
The history of the saints who've gone in front of me
Through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

There are so many things that happen to us, or to those around us, that we don't understand. Time, age, or wisdom may make our understanding grow, but there are some events that are never easy to comprehend. People sometimes question God after horrible tragedies, saying, "If He was real, if He was good, if He really loves us, how could He let this happen?" This song reminds me that there IS a reason for our pain, for questions, and our searching. It's amazing and comforting to think that He knows our plans before we do, and that throughout all of our lives, He is holding us right there in the palm of His hands!

Throughout all our days, He is with us to face our biggest trials and most blissful moments. I know that He was with Jake & I as we faced the news that we may never have a biological child of our own. But I know that He was with us, too, as we prayed about and then made the decision to adopt. And I know He will be with us when that baby we are meant to raise is placed into our arms and forever into our hearts...and every step of the way along the rest of our lives. There IS a reason we haven't been able to conceive a child on our own...it's because He has some amazing plan for us that is yet to be revealed! There is a baby out there, somewhere, that was meant for us...there is a reason. I can only dream of the reasons...but it's comforting to know that the reason is His will. And He makes all things good...

Is today the day?

Every day I wake up and think, "Today could be the day." And all throughout my work and activities, I'm wondering, "Is today the day?" It's exciting, and yet anxiety-provoking all at the same time. Is our baby being conceived today? Is our birth mother choosing to go through with her pregnancy today or making the decision to place her child for adoption? Has her water just broken or is she already at the hospital?


For instance, this past week has just been crazy. 4 day work weeks sound amazing, but they aren't. They're super busy. So I've been completely stressed at work and been an emotional wreck. And every day I woke up thinking "They could tell me today that I'm going to be a mom tomorrow!" This creates the knots in the tummy sort of feelings...and honestly, I've been wondering what the HECK I'd do if they call me on a "bad week" to tell me the news.


Of course we'll be ecstatic, freaked out, anxious, scared....I still wonder things like "What do you do with the kid when you have to go to the bathroom?" or "How often do you bathe the kid?" You don't want your kid to be the stinky kid, right? Jake assures me that I don't have to have all of the answers...and that it truly will just "come natural" to me once I have a baby in my arms....Lord, do I hope so!


So, we've been talking (I mean, truly, how else can we prepare for this?) about it a lot, looking through our profile book (as if that will make expectant moms want to browse, too!), and looking at cribs. I busied myself with making a diaper cake this week for a friend's baby shower this weekend. In my (humble?) opinion....I think my first attempt at it turned out great!

What do you think?!

So, instead of working myself up into an emotional mess about "waiting"...I'm going to go out today to some garage sales & help make myself feel a little more prepared. Hopefully I will come upon some amazing finds!

Is this a sign?!

So, throughout our quest to adopt, I've been watching for signs. Signs to show me that this is what we're supposed to be doing....the road we should be on.

And I have seen them. But if last night was any indication of "signs," I think we'd better turn back NOW!

Everywhere Jake & I went in the time span of about 30 minutes there were screaming, crying, wailing, temper-tantrum throwing children. One woman at the bookstore who was very pregnant had 3 small children in tow that were quite unruly. At first we thought, "Hey, if we hang around here long enough, maybe she'll give us that "I'm sick of this" parent look and say "Take them -they're yours!" And we'd say "Gladly - we've got an approved homestudy!" She just wanted to browse the bookshelves, and her brood had other ideas. Granted, she wasn't paying much attention to them, and merely saying their names repeatedly did nothing to dissuade them from punching each other into tables, etc.

Then we went to dinner. There was a kid wearing short gym socks with flip flops. HILARIOUSNESS. Our faith in our impending parenthood was lifted when we saw two sets of new parents proudly carrying out their little bundles of joy. Ahhh, signs renewed! We ARE meant to be on this path...

However, we then went down to the riverfront to catch some tunes. As I'm standing in a group of people talking, all of a sudden I am "rammed" from behind. I think to myself, before turning, who is so rude to slam into me as a greeting? Turns out, a probably 3 year old child, who can't even see over the top of a stroller, is "driving" it, and has driven directly into my calves & ankles. OUCH. Where were his parents? What had this kid been drinking tonight? And did he have a license to drive? (I actually said, outloud, those last two lines!) They apologized profusely (sort of, but not really)...they must have WATCHED him driving directly into me, and at that point I was like "OK! This isn't meant to be...there are no babies in our future!"

And then, my dear online friend, Michelle, shared this wonderful story. Please read, be amused, and understand that when I USED to say that I wanted 12 kids, I must have been on drugs. Kids ARE blessings, but honestly, I was worn out just by reading this story!

http://cgi.ebay.com/LOT-OF-POKEMON-CARDS-THAT-MY-KIDS-TRIED-TO-SNEAK-BY-ME_W0QQitemZ130144061675QQcmdZViewItem

This chokes me up everytime...

No matter how many times I watch this video, with the music, without, on a day when I feel great, or a day I feel lousy....this chokes me up. I think I'll be strong enough to watch it...and everytime I cry.

I cry because I still remember what it feels like. Jake left in February 2004 and returned in June 2005, but I still feel the emptiness, the pain, the frightened anxiety. I feel my heart swell with pride and ache at the same time. I still feel all of it, everyday. This video is totally worth watching. Make sure you have some tissues!

Check out this video: Remember Me

Fast Forward

I feel like we're in fast forward mode now, that life is coming at us, and fast.

We finished our home study last night! It should be a week before we get the rough draft back, and once it's approved, we're ON THE LIST! This means today we might not be parents, but tomorrow we could be...scary, right?

Most people have 9 months to prepare for these things. They have time to create a nursery, a registry, and figure out what the heck you do with things like a "boppy" and a "nuk." All this crazy baby language! They can figure out what colors to paint the room, find accessories, and oftentimes figure out the sex of the baby so they can plan well in advance.

As a planner, this adoption stuff makes things quite difficult! How can I accessorize if I don't know if our child will be a boy or a girl? How can I have time to take a class to figure out what you do with the baby once you bring it home? How can you really prepare for being a family of two one day to a family of three the next? Sure, we could be "waiting" for a long time. We could wait two weeks, 5 months, or two years to get "the call." But one of these days, our lives will change over night...

And just like that we'll be parents. Perhaps our friends will stop calling because they think we're old, married, and no fun anymore because we have kids. We'll be those people walking around looking like zombies because our 2 week old has kept us up every night, confusing night for day and day for night. We'll be those people wrestling with car seats and wondering how the heck you get the thing to fit correctly into the stroller, once you figure out how to pop the darn thing up. We'll be doing laundry constantly and perhaps I'll finally get that "nesting instinct" that will make me become the Queen of Clean...but I doubt it.

Additionally, we'll be wondering how we ever lived without this little light of our lives...why we waited this long for a baby, and how our hearts can hold one more ounce of love for someone so helpless and tiny. We'll cry when they won't stop crying and we don't know how to fix it. We'll laugh when we first get peed on. We'll be awestruck as we watch their little chest rise and fall as they sleep. It'll be amazing.

Awaiting Paper Pregnancy

Well...we're getting closer to being parents. Somedays I'm awash with feelings of giddy excitement, the smells of baby powder and Johnson's shampoo, and the noises our home will make when we add the tiny giggles and coos from a baby's mouth. Other days I'm frightened with worry, wondering how I can't have retained the basics from the Red Cross babysitting class I took at age 12, and frustrated that I don't think I know simple things like how to prepare a bottle or basic "everyone knows these things about babies" type facts.

Our final homestudy visit is tomorrow...not at all stressed about that. H, our social worker, has received 7 of our 8 references and our background checks. She'll write up our homestudy report and let us view the rough draft. Once we give our approval on it, we're officially placed on the waiting list. We'll probably be "paper pregnant" by September!

I'm ecstatic. I'm shocked...hopeful, amazed, awestruck... I'm confused...scared...quite unprepared...and worried. I lay awake at night thinking about how this extra life will change things for our family. There will be amazing, wonderful changes...we'll be PARENTS! We'll be a family of 3 instead of just 2. We'll have a child to raise and be proud of and love...and our families will have their first grandbaby/niece or nephew. Glorious, isn't it, to think that what started out as a diagnosis, a heartache, a loss, could turn into such abeautiful, positive gift!

On the difficult days, the girls at AdoptionTalk remind me of all the things I'm thankful for...we lift each other up, we laugh and cry tears of joy and sorrow, and we pray for one another...here's a prayer that has passed around the board, and helps me to always remember that God's perfect timing is always at work.

God help us to be thankful for the little things, the many blessings, and the fact that your timing is perfect. God help us to trust your timing and wait patiently for your plan to unfold. God help us to believe in your ability, accept your divine providence, and praise you above all else. Help us to have faith to realize that when we feel nothing is happening you are working to make YOUR plan known to us.

Certainly this quest hasn't always been easy...filling out invasive questionaires, having to choose "yes" or "no" to difficult birthmother/child situations, and talking through all of our fears. But honestly, it's truly been a gift to our marriage. How many couples actually sit down and talk, at length, about all the aspects of having a child...how many wives get to hear their husbands talk so candidly about what makes her so amazing to him or how many husbands get to read the words that she's penned that say how fortunate and blessed she feels to have even met him? I've always loved my husband, and believed he's my best friend in this life, but every day that we go through this together, I feel like our bond gets stronger, my love grows fuller, and my amazement at what an awesome person he is inflates. When I think my heart will burst if I love him more, miraculously the butterflies open it a little more...and we learn and we laugh and we cry and we walk on together on our quest.

Somedays it feels like this...

Hope this brings a new perspective to all who watch this video...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

(Sorry, it's not working for me to embed it here....)

Communication

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

Men and women are honestly speaking 2 different languages much of the time. Men say one thing and they mean it. Women think they mean something else. Women say one thing & they mean something different. Men think they mean what they said. How did God come up with this hilarious stuff!?

I attempt to be straightforward in my communication. I try not to confuse my husband with any alterior motives, and just bring him the straight truth, pretty blunt. I know men can't multitask like women, so why bog them down with extra details that will only confuse them?

For instance, somedays I'll give my husband an instruction. I'll tell him where something in our house is, or I'll tell him my suggested way to do something. Usually he gets mad at me for saying these things because "he thinks that I think that he is an idiot." No, honey, I don't...I'm just telling you for your general knowledge. Perhaps I'm also testing to see if you're listening...

This morning I left my cell phone at home. I decided to sleep in until 7:12 and forgot the phone on the bedstand. This rarely happens, and I thought "I'll just give my hubby a call to let him know if he needs anything, that I don't have my phone with me today." This is just after 8 AM that I make this phone call.

Around 9:50 I get a phone call this morning at work saying that "there is a TP emergency...and can I bring some home at lunch?" "Baby," I say, "There is a whole hoarde of toilet paper in the hall closet where we keep the toilet paper." "Oh," he replies.

I do the grocery/home shopping. I lug all the bags into the house & put all the crap away. But honestly, if I TOLD him where the toilet paper was without him asking, he'd probably be like "OH MY GOD DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT? OF COURSE I KNOW WHERE THE TOILET PAPER IS...DUH."

OK, so perhaps this WAS a bit of a test...It seems whenever there is no more toilet paper on the roll, I am the one who replaces the roll, I am the one who puts the new rolls into the cabinet in the bathroom, I am the one who replaces the reserve roll on the back of the toilet so that there is easy access. When I replaced the roll the last time, I used the reserve roll from the basket on the back of the toilet, and didn't replace a roll there. There also was no extra rolls in the cabinet in the bathroom. So, perhaps he didn't know about the whole hoarde of toilet paper in the hall closet, but he goes into that closet on a regular basis for towels, light bulbs, and bed sheets. How do you miss the 24 roll pack of TP?!

When I get home at lunch, I retrieve my phone from upstairs. There is a text message on it from 9:47 AM. "TP emergency please bring some home at lunch" from the hubby. Good thing he listened to me this morning when I told him I didn't have my cell phone with me, right?!

Adoption-Its Not a Journey...Its An Emotional Quest

Lots of people in the realm of adoption call their experience a journey. They ask each other "Where are you on your adoption journey?" and when someone's having a bad day you give them encouragement about their "journey" and maybe compare it to your own. Somedays adoption is like a ladder, somedays a spectrum, other days like you're swimming in circles.....

I'm slowly realizing that adoption is not a journey...it's an emotional quest. A quest is a journey toward a goal. In literature, the objects of quests require great exertion on the part of the hero, and the overcoming of many obstacles, typically including much travel. In this quest, we are searching to be parents. And there are SO many obstacles to overcome.

Let's start with one that no one likes to talk about...cost. The costs of adoption can be astronomical. When someone begins to look into the option of adoption, this part of it can be overwhelming. But, like all great quests, we endure difficulties and sacrifices to gain our ultimate goal. Perhaps we get a second job, stop going to so many movies and restaurants, secure a loan, or take out a second mortgage on a home. We'll do whatever it ethically takes to be parents.

Next there is the mundane. The paperwork. The droves and reams of paperwork and invasive questions. Height? Weight? Gross income? Have you ever been bankrupt? Have you ever sought counseling for any reason? Do you have anything in your medical history that limits your life expectancy? Who in the unfortunate event of your deaths would be named as legal guardian? What are your hobbies? Why do you want to adopt? What first attracted you to your spouse? How do you fight? How will you parent a child? How will you tell them they are adopted? Oh, and please provide 10 references who have both known you more than 2 years, some that are relatives, some that are not.

Then comes the taxing emotions one must face. Anger-anger at oneself, one's partner, God, our own bodies for failing us. Anger at those who accidentally get pregnant...anger at ourselves for feeling angry at others' joy...Sadness-sad because we won't know what it feels like to have a life growing inside, sadness at the loss of the dreams we had for ourselves, sadness in knowing our child won't have his eyes or my toes, sadness that people can't be happy for our choice. Humility-humility in droves when you begin facing the truth about your situation, humility in the form of learning that we're not invincible and can't always do the things we've always taken for granted...humility at learning that it doesn't matter what our life plans are...what truly matters is what God's plan holds for us. And how humble to feel the love and support of those around you when you tell them that their grandbaby, their niece or nephew, their best friend's child will be not of their own flesh & blood, but of someone else's, and that they'll love it regardless of where it came from. Faith-overwhelming faith and hope that this is where I'm supposed to be heading on this path, that this quest is going to lead me to what is right and good...faith that has grown immeasurably because all I've asked for was God's own will to be done.

Through it all, I just have to stay focused on the goal. The goal is to be a mom. The goal is to raise this amazing little life and teach him or her all about the world. The goal is to parent a child. In the end I won't think about the cost, the sacrifice, the time and energy and trees we've killed….but I will remember what it felt like. To go from bitterness and anger, to hopeful and finally to elation when that baby is placed in our arms and it looks up into our eyes, says it's first words, walks across our floors, writes their name for the first time. When we reach all of those little goals….we'll look back and know that every moment of this quest has been worth it…and will always be worth it.

Lint.

Lint. It's a problem. Especially for those of us with animals. Lint is defined (on Wikipedia.com) as "Fuzzy fluff that accumulates on various fabrics, which can be removed via a lint roller ."

Somewhere along the line (probably when I went to college) my mother insisted I have a lint brush. I'm sure the conversation went something like this:

Mom: You really should have a lint brush.
Em: MOM! Whatever...it's not like people who are half asleep going to classes are going to notice that I have LINT on my clothes.
Mom: You're an adult. You need a lint brush. I'll feel better if you have a lint brush.
Em: OK.

Now that I am TRULY an adult (well, whatever...I still don't iron clothes, and that was a true conversation I had with my mom too) a lint brush is essential. My husband one day asks for the lint brush. He says he needs to take it to work and that he'll bring it back the next day. I have yet to see my lint brush. I never thought I'd be so bothered by the fact that we don't have one in our house anymore...but I NEED it. I've threatened him a few times a week and pleaded with him to bring me back my lint brush...to no avail.

So, this past weekend I set out to find me a damn lint brush. I looked at both Wal-Mart and Target. NOTHING like it. This is the specific brush I'm looking for.

None of these crappy disposable sticky paper rollers that you have to roll over things 29 zillion times before they actually pick anything up. They just don't work...they're silly & a waste of time and money.

If anyone sees one of these contraptions...seriously...I NEED ONE. I've searched the internet & I have a few more places I can check...if I can't find them in town, I'm going to order a fricking lint brush over the internet.

I'm so BORING.

I am just a barrel of fun!

We had our second adoptive parents home visit with our social worker yesterday. She came to our house again. It was nice because this time I didn't feel so much pressure and I could relax a bit. I didn't mind that my floor wasn't completely free of water that the dog had splashed out of her bowl (does anyone know how to make Sadie drink like a lady?!)

Anyway, there was a point in the interview where H asked us to describe the best personality traits of each other. We had to write this in our "autobiographies" that we gave to her, and I was kind of wondering why we were being asked the same question we'd already written an answer about. Now that we've been through it, I am SO happy she has a paper copy...I go first, and I say wonderful things about my husband like "honest, loyal, loving, brave" etc...good traits of husbands AND fathers. Then it gets to his turn, and what does he say?! He says some crap about me being "the life of the party"!?!

After H left I'm like, "OH MY GOD, HONEY..THANKS A LOT!". I'm sure this is exactly what a social worker wants to see in their mothers to be...LIFE OF THE PARTY?! See why I'm glad we got to write our answers out, too?!I shouldn't badmouth my husband, because he IS all of those things I talked about...honest, loyal, loving, brave...And he did say some really sweet things about me on paper. Perhaps expressing himself outloud when questioned is NOT one of his best personality traits though...Hopefully H won't go back to her office & give us a big red "REJECT" stamp today!

I DID IT!

I knew it was only a matter of time before it happened....I BOUGHT MY FIRST BABY ITEMS TODAY!!!

Last night Jake & I were out on the motorcycle & we drove by a house that looked like their garage was set up for a sale....so I set my alarm this morning & went over....My first find was a sentimental one. Does anyone remember the little Fisher Price telephones that you pulled by the cord? The eyes would blink, it made a ringing noise, and you coud "dial" the phone like an old rotary one (our kids won't even know what those are! Baby toys now are like car keys & cell phones!) I found it for $1.

I found a baby bathtub (used once) that has a little squirter thing (I think it's like a sprayer?) with the instructions for $5. I also found and for 25 cents each.At the last place I stopped I got a Cosco umbrella stroller with jungle animals (pretty neutral) on it. The girl was really nice & was showing me how to use all the items because I had no clue?! I saw one of those aquarium swings, but it was kinda crusty....I felt bad buying a crusty swing for my baby....so I skipped it. I also found 5 little layette/sleepers that are very gender neutral (yeah!) and cute, and a tan with animals pack & play...Grand total at that sale..... $20! These girls had been going through their storage units & they said they'd have more tomorrow & to come back....which I might do!

All in all I think I made out pretty well today....YEAH I'm starting to feel like a mommy more and more!

Our First Steps

Yesterday was a big day for us…we had our first home visit with our social worker, H! I have been reading every book on adoption that I can get my hands on and participating in online forums with other adoptive and birthparents. We've been talking to friends and family and sharing our story with them, in hopes that they'll continue praying for us and passing our story along to people.

We did a lot to prepare for H's visit. We re-did our entire screened in porch, for one! This was completely unnecessary, but once we started on this adoption journey, a fire was lit under our butts to get to all the projects done that we've been talking about for the past 2 years. And so, Porch Project 2007 happened! Thanks to my parents, Ashley, Dylan, Chris, Jeff, Jesica & Jeremy, and Tiffany for assisting! We also purged a lot of junk that's been piling up in our house. It feels wonderful to get rid of crap. 2 weeks with full garbage bins is an awesome feeling.

H arrived yesterday around 5 PM. I didn't even have time to put the flowers into a vase that my family had dropped off at work for us. I was attempting to do that when she arrived. H said "Special occasion?" I answered, "Our home study!" She smiled. We sat at our dining room table and she asked us what sorts of questions we had, and then she began asking us questions about our lives and our relationship. Sadie was SO well behaved. I had been really nervous that she would get excited and pee on the floor, or jump on H and leave wet, muddy foot prints all over her, or bark and snarl at her…I figured that H would be judging us on the way we talk to and treat our dog. Sadie hung out under the table, ate her dinner & went outside during our visit. She acted like the perfect puppy she is! When she doesn't think she's getting enough of the attention, she'll nudge under your arm with her cold little nose. She did this twice to H! We spoke for about an hour, and then scheduled a second meeting for Monday evening.

H brought us a sample family profile. This is our next big step in the process after our home study visits. We have to create an album, scrap-book type thing to be "shown" to birth parents. This is the way they "pick" us as the adoptive family for their baby. Gosh, no pressure, right? This is like AP English and creating a Senior Anthology….except on a HUGE scale. This isn't just a year's worth of information/photos….this is like "Tell us in this little book who you are, why you should be the parents of this child, how you will raise them, what's important in your life, etc."

I've been reading all of these books, as I said. One book stated that you should make your profile look as professional as possible. You can even hire someone to create this book for you (of COURSE you can…if there's a market for it, you can bet someone is cashing in…) The author basically says to spare no expense in creating this book because it's really important. OK, I'm on board. In the next sentence, though, she says that different things attract birth moms to a family…"It could be something as simple as the dad wearing a certain sports team's hat. The birth mom may feel a connection with that family because her best friend's favorite team is the same team on the adoptive dad's hat." You're kidding me, right? So you want me to spend tons of money and time creating this flawless crafty creation of our lives, only to be chosen because we have a cute dog or they like the rug in our living room? UGHHHHH.

I digress. I'm REALLY excited about all of this…the biggest thing I'm excited about is being a MOM! I WILL BE A MOM. It's not an if, it's a when…and that's so exciting. I'm sure I'm going to be impatiently waiting, though, once our home study is approved. And I AM excited about creating our profile…I just have to stop looking at it as a homework assignment and have fun with it and let our personalities shine through. But honestly, how can I put into words and show with pictures all the things I'd want to show the mother of our future child?! How can you say in one small scrap book "Thank you for giving life to our child, and oh by the way, this is what we do for fun!" If you have any creative tips for us, let me know! We can use all the help we can get!

8 Words Women Use

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to 3.

*Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology. *Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, because they know it's true.

We're adopting!

We have our first home study visit scheduled for the 18th. We are currently in the process of making our home look as spotless as possible with 2 people & one hairy dog living within. We've sent our initial paperwork off, and are currently having background checks run and references tell all about us. This is just the peak of the beginning, but we wanted to share our letter to friends & family with you. We are excited about this opportunity, and we want everyone we care about and who cares about us to know what's going on in our lives!


Dear Friends,
Jake & I hope everything is well with you & your families. We would like to share some exciting news with you, and ask for your help.

Jake & I have now been married for about 3 and a half years. Throughout 10 years of dating, engagement, and marriage, we have always talked about wanting to have a family of our own. Once Jake returned from the war in Afghanistan, we tried for some time to conceive a child. After visiting several doctors, we've been told our chances of natural conception are highly unlikely.

We have prayed a lot about God's will for our lives. We know that we were meant to be parents. Through people we have met and the stories that they have shared with us, we believe that God has led us to the decision of adoption, and we are so excited to be pursuing this option as the way to grow our family!

This is where you come in. We would like you to consider sharing our names and our story with those around you who may be in a situation where they would like to place a child for adoption with a loving and stable family. We want to open our arms and our home to an infant, and we are beginning the adoption paperwork process now. With your help, it may be possible to find the right child to make our family complete.

We hope you will tell our story. If you want more information, we'd be happy to provide it. Thanks for helping us in this process. We are excited to see where this journey leads us, and we are happy to have your love, support, prayers and help!

Love,
Jake & Emily

I think of her...

I think about her...when I'm driving in the car, when I'm praying, when I'm reading, when I'm working, when I'm shopping...I don't even know her name, or where she lives, but she's on my mind a lot these days.

Lately I've found myself thinking of the birthmother of our future child. Our child is most likely not even conceived, yet that child's mother is somewhere out there in this world. I find myself daydreaming about her, wondering what she's like, what she looks like, what her passions are, and praying that she'll know that we were meant to raise the child she will bear.

I know....it sounds completely crazy to me, too. To be thinking of someone so often whom I don't even know...I assume she exists out there, but I assume because I have to. I have to believe she's out there, otherwise the reality of our child is in jeopardy.

I think about her name, her background, what makes her smile. Does she have a favorite color, and what sort of music makes her soul ache? It's odd to think that there is another woman out there in this world who I will someday share an immense connection with, and who knows where she is at this very moment?! I look around at the grocery store, at the mall, at church...is she there? Did she smile at me? Did I hold the door for her? Is she laughing as she chats with someone on her cell phone? Who IS she? Not just who is she, but really, truly, who IS she?

BIG News

I'm going to come clean in this blog...Jake & I have been together for almost 10 years. We've been married a little over 3 of those years. And for 16 months now, we have been battling infertility.

16 months seems like a bad number for us. First, Jake was gone for the first 16 months of our marriage...then we're trying to get pregnant without success for 16 months. That's almost a half & half split of our total marital relationship.

Don't get me wrong...being married to Jake is one of the most amazing experiences of my life. He's loyal, loving, so very handsome, and just an all around "good" guy. His smile is infectious, his hugs are enveloping, and his rosy, red cheeks are something I miss when I'm not around him. I still get butterflies when I think of him...honestly.

That is why our situation with infertility is so heartbreaking. Here, we have spent 10 years of our lives, waiting to be at that point where we feel ready to bring children into this world, and we are unable to do so. It seems so unfair some days.

I have pretty much had an odd, peaceful feeling about our situation almost since we found out. I was angry, extremely sad, and grieving for what I knew was an ultimate dream of ours...of any couple...when we found out around the holiday season. Merry Christmas to us...is what I thought...but we put on our happy faces & enjoyed the season with our family members, most of which had no idea what we were going through. However, as the days passed, and our situation remained, something inside of me pushed me to be hopeful, to be positive, and to pray.

PRAY. I've been praying since we got a diagnosis. At first, though, I had no idea what to pray for. For an ultimate fix? For a misdiagnosis? For a sense of humor throughout this ordeal? No...instead, I prayed for strength, for peace, and most of all, for God's will. If I have learned ANYTHING over the past 5 years, it has been "My life is not about MY will, it's about God's will." As soon as I think I have my life all planned out, it gets completely scrambled and thrown off the radar screen....COMPLETELY. I have had to learn, grow, and adapt through many unplanned, and unpleasant, situations in just the last 5 years...so I'm learning, too, that I shouldn't get too carried away in what MY plans are because they are bound to change.

So, God's will....how the heck do you pray for something you have NO control over? For me, this should have been a huge struggle. I'm a control freak. I have to be the one with both hands on the steering wheel AND changing the radio stations. But this time, it was simple. I just said "I give this to you...take this burden from me...and let me do Your will." This has become my prayer. And so, I've been waiting, watching, looking for signs.

And soon, God delivered.

Throughout this struggle, people have been coming into our lives, telling us their stories, introducing us to their families and their pains & joys. There is one tie that bonds all of these families together...adoption.

I didn't think God's answer would come so quickly....so easily...and I know that this is not MY plan, or even OUR plan, but HIS plan. I believe so fervently in my heart that this is what we're being called to do...the way that we are being offered to grow our family. Not all babies grow inside of a woman's body...some of them are grown in our hearts....and right now that's where mine & Jake's babies are.

Jake & I have decided, after much praying and discussion, that we are going to open our family to the wonderful choice of adoption. We are in the very preliminary stages, but we are so hopeful that someday soon, we will be parents, too. Sure, I still wonder about how it feels to have a life stirring inside of me...to dream of whether a child from our DNA will have his hair color or my eyes....but that might never be a reality for us.

What IS real is our love for each other, a wish to build our family, and to open our lives and our hearts to a child who needs us just as much as we want them. So, please pray for us as we start off on this exciting, but frightening journey. We appreciate all of your love and support!

"One of those people"

I never thought I'd be "one of those people…." Last week I was feeling pretty pasty. With the nice weather, I knew I was bound to have to give up my full-length pants & ¾ length sleeves eventually. With no time to lie around in a tanning bed, I figured I'd do it the quick and dirty way. I saw a commercial for one of those gradual tanning lotions, that vowed to not give you the "streaky" look. This particular brand even promised firming! So, one night I stopped into CVS on my way home and stood in the lotion aisle in front of all the self tanning goo available to me. I settled on one and took it to the counter. The young man behind the counter probably could have cared less what I was purchasing, but I felt the need to explain myself by saying, "I never thought I'd be 'on of these people.'" He said "What? To use a CVS card?" as he swiped the little key fob. "Oh, no," I replied, "One of these self-tanning lotion people." And then I felt the need to launch into a tirade about how I just couldn't "possibly be THE pasty white girl on the cruise ship, right?" He smiled amiably and said "Oh, I'm sure you'll look really nice." What a guy…some woman taught him right! After I left, I was thinking, "Now why did that perfect stranger need to hear my silly excuses for purchasing self tanning lotion? Jeez…I never thought I'd BE one of those people…

This weekend, Jake & I took a motorcycle ride out to Camp Loud Thunder in Andalusia to visit some friends who were camping. We stopped to get some marshmallows and were on our way on a gorgeous night for a ride. As we rode across the bridge and along the long stretches of barren, rural roads my mind got to wandering, and again, I was thinking "I never thought I'd BE one of those people who would ride (on the back of) a motorcycle." I'm not a brave or daring person by any means, and I like to minimize my risk of injury or death, thus I always swear by helmets no matter if I'm on a bike or a bike. Now that I know what it's like to ride, I LOVE it. I love being the passenger…being able to look up at the night sky and all it's stars poking through the vast darkness, staring at the glowing moon as we ride over the river, getting wafts of all the wonderful smells of a night ride…a campfire, the budding spring blossoms on an unseen tree, tasty burgers being grilled. I love the fresh air, the wind, the enjoyment of getting to a destination, and not just being there. And it's quality time spent with Jake when we can do something we both love to do together, and we don't even have to say anything. We just enjoy the peace of the open road and all it's possibilities. I NEVER thought I'd be one of those people.

Additionally, there are experiences in our lives that we have no control over. Again, those are times when I'm thinking "I never thought I'd be one of those people." Being the wife of a police officer and a soldier, experiencing the hardships and heartaches of a deployment, and becoming a "war bride" were not in my life plan! Trying for a baby after being together for over eight years, and learning that the word "infertility" looms over you like a monster you can't escape is another of these instances. I never thought we'd be "those people" experiencing something so painful, so inescapable as not being able to conceive a child on our own.

But no one plans for these things. No one says "I'm going to BE one of those people," especially when it's a group you wish you weren't part of. I guess through all of these life experiences I'm learning that whether I'm in a category of people because I choose to be or just by what appears to be pure chance, NOTHING is a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps to teach us things we might not have ever known, to help us grow into wiser, stronger people, to take something we've learned from the experiences and help others through difficult times. Life is both confusing and amazing all at one wondrous moment. I'm learning, growing, changing every day…I'm becoming "one of those people."

Just call me Milton.

So, I know this blog is going to sound very Milton-esque of Office Space...but I don't care. From my lovely office, I can see all the happenings of the traffic going by, the neighbors walking their dogs, and all those who are coming into our office. I also have a nice view of our small parking lot...("Hello little Chili Red Vue...I love you!")

From my office window, I enjoy all sorts of things, but one of my favorites are the squirrels. Crazy ass squirrels. They frolick & dig & chase each other around our yard. It's wonderful...they have provided hours of non-simultaneous enjoyment.

There is a bit of a mystery, however. There used to be this little brown squirrel who would come around. No, we do not discriminate. We have brown, gray, and black squirrels in our yard...at least of the ones I've seen. The difference with this fat little squirrel is that he was missing his tail. *GASP * *SHOCK* *DISBELIEF* Exactly! That's exactly how I felt at first...but then he came around a lot. Unlike the other squirrels who would fluff their tails when they jumped...he just sort of JUMPED and there was no fluff. His "tail" consisted of no more than an inch. It was almost shaped like a beaver's tail...except on a super-small scale.

He was my favorite squirrel. I was always trying to think of what could have happened to his tail. When we went to visit Jake's Omi & Opi (Grandma & Grandpa) in Ohio for Christmas, I was telling Opi about my favorite squirrel. They have many birds and squirrels that vist them, so I thought he might be interested. He then told me that there was a naughty squirrel that kept trying to get into the bird feeder and so one day he snuck up behind it & grabbed it by it's tail. It tried to get away, and it did...without it's tail! Opi was left standing in the yard with a squirrel tail in his hand!

Ever since he told me that story...I haven't seen my favorite squirrel back in the yard. It's quite depressing. I keep thinking maybe he'll show up...but all the other squirrels come to play, and never him.

Now, I am not obsessed with squirrels by any means, but I think I must be a magnet for freak squirrels. At home, I've noticed this weird looking squirrel that has a skinny tail with no hair. It almost looks like a rat's tail...I did a little investigating on Google.com, and someone said it could be mange or lice, which is totally contractable by my poor Miss Sadie dog! I'm keeping her away from the evil Rat-Squirrel & making sure I keep up to date with her flea & tick prevention meds...

Keep your eyes peeled for my little tail-less squirrel...if you see him around let me know...I miss him!

I hate swimsuits rant

I am heading on a cruise in about 2 months. Despite the excitement of this whole vacation, I am loathing the fact that I will "practically live in my swimsuit." For people like me...swimsuit shopping is a big pain in the ass.

Let me explain.

I am woman. Hear me roar. Yes...that noise coming from the dressing room that sounds like a mama gorilla attacking is probably me. SO FRUSTRATED. Why, oh why, clothing designers do you make the SAME EXACT CLOTHES FOR PEOPLE WHO WEAR SIZE 6 AS YOU DO FOR PEOPLE WHO WEAR A SIZE 26?! Honestly. No big girls should be wearing some "skinny jeans." Whoever made that trend up is a ho who needs to eat a sandwich...but anyway, back to swimsuits...If I am a "plus sized girl," there is a PRETTY GOOD CHANCE I have some "plus sized" boobies. Why the hell would you make a plus sized swimsuit with some little-ass boobie cups? And...praytell, WHY if half of the bra selections in stores are devoted to the underwire style, is it practically impossible to find a non-bikini-style swimsuit with a flipping underwire in it?!

The other thing that frosts my cookies is when they have a website or catalog devoted to plus-sized fashions...yet they have some skinny bitch modeling it. Well of COURSE it looks good on HER...EVERYTHING looks good on you if you are a friggin' size 4. That is SO evil.

Another completely annoying facet to this whole thing is that these swimsuits cost more than a whole day's work. Ridiculous.

Perhaps when I win the lottery I will come up with a "real women's" fashion line...where it will say on the tags "Size Large-DDD boob size, though." That would be realistic...and make me smile.